Family style

Take Your Son To Mar-a-Lago Day

[The Throne Room at Mar-a-Lago. As usual, men in dark suits and sunglasses patrol the periphery. Today DONALD TRUMP — dressed in a garish grey-and-gold three-piece suit, in the manner of Jackie Gleason in his ‘60s Miami Beach days — eschews his throne, and sits with celebrity murderer and Throne Room regular KYLE RITTENHOUSE (dressed in dark suit separates, a madras shirt, and black Allbirds) and his mother WENDY (dressed almost identically to her son, except with a solid red blouse) in chairs downstage of the sort you’d see on the Johnny Carson show. RITTENHOUSE and WENDY hold what look like tall cold drinks from Starbucks.]

TRUMP: So this is nice. This is nice. You know, Mrs. Rittenhouse, I don’t like to say, but last time your boy was here he was a little hyperactive.

WENDY: Mr. President, I do apologize, Kyle and I had a real long talk about that, and he’s very sorry and he knows better than to ever act that way again. You know, I’m not saying it to excuse him, but he was very emotional after the trial, and he doesn’t deal very well with his emotions.

TRUMP: I appreciate he came dressed like a gentleman instead of a crumb bum, and appreciate that you came here too, Wendy, if I can call you Wendy.

WENDY: I would be honored, Mr. President.

TRUMP: [To RITTENHOUSE] How about that, Kyle? I’m not getting fresh with your mother, you understand, though she is a very attractive woman. I’m a married man.

RITTENHOUSE: OK.

TRUMP: And you see what I got at home. But it’s good your mother Wendy’s here, because we’re gonna talk about your future. [To WENDY] Wendy, does the boy have anything going on he can’t get out of?

WENDY: No, sir, Mr. President, he was going to Arizona State but the woke left cancel-cultured him and now he’s not.

TRUMP: That’s a shame. To hell with them, though, I have some work for him if he’s up for it.

WENDY: [Looking at RITTENHOUSE, who has remained largely impassive] Oh, well — I’m sure he would be.

[RITTENHOUSE looks away.]

I mean I suppose we should talk about it — [To TRUMP] You see, he’s always been my little buddy and we talk about everything —

TRUMP: It’s hard when it’s just the woman. You should have had a man in your life. At least one. Why not? You’re a very attractive woman. But I know you have a small place. [To RITTENHOUSE] I bet that’d be rough for you, wouldn’t it, Kyle, if your Mom had somebody over. So maybe it’s just as well. [To WENDY] But let’s you and me talk, Wendy, because I know Kyle does what you tell him. In fact I understand if it wasn’t for you he never would have gone to that thing and shot those guys. Not that I mind. Personally? Very glad they’re dead. But you have an influence, so, Wendy, sweetheart, let me tell you something. We’re going back to the White House. It’s official. We’re going back.

WENDY: Oh, that’s wonderful news, sir. We prayed you would be restored.

TRUMP: But a few things have to happen first and this is where you and your boy can be a help. Now, I understand Kyle wants to meet Biden, am I right, Wendy?

WENDY: Well, it’s not that he wants to, Mr. President. I mean the idea that this man pretends to be the President when you’re the President is just disgusting to us, sir.

TRUMP: That’s nice.

WENDY: But that man said he was a white supremacist, which he meant as an insult, and Kyle told Glenn Beck he’d like to tell him to his face what he thought about that, and the papers got hold of it. I’m sure Kyle would like to tell him! [To RITTENHOUSE] Isn’t that right, honey?

KYLE: Sure.

TRUMP: Well you know, Kyle might get his wish. This has to be, you know, hush hush, right, but we have our people, some of them, they’re still in the White House, the State Department, and we can maybe fix things so Kyle can get this meeting. Because these Democrats, they love to have meetings. Like that Obama had that meeting with that cop, maybe you remember, it was a disgrace. But they think they’re being, I don’t know, maybe they think it’s funny. Anyway Biden, he’s senile, he just does what they tell him, and if we can get it set up maybe Kyle can get in there. Tell me, Wendy, how is your boy with a pistol?

[Pause. WENDY stares. KYLE remains impassive.]

WENDY: A pistol? You mean a real pistol?

TRUMP: I hear he’s good. [To RITTENHOUSE] Like a Sig Ruman, whatever it’s called, the gun.

RITTENHOUSE: Sig Sauer. P229, 320. Sure. I can handle it. Sir.

TRUMP: Attaboy.

WENDY: But Mr. President, if — well, maybe I don’t understand you, I’m sure I don’t —

TRUMP: We don’t talk about anything, Wendy. Not a thing. I never talk abut anything. You’ll get word. Instructions. Maybe where you could find a — thing when you get to the White House. Because the metal detectors, they’d have to have it set up for you.

WENDY: Mr. President, I know we’re not talking about anything but it still sounds — it sounds like — he could — Mr. President, this is my boy, my little buddy, I don’t know what I’d do if —.

TRUMP: Wendy. Wendy. Look at me. Wendy. You know you have very very pretty eyes. Very pretty. A little bleary now, unfortunately, maybe you can wipe ‘em with your sleeve or something.

[WENDY does so.]

Yeah, that’s better. Listen, Wendy, we all have to do our part and, sometimes it’s rough. But listen, things can change. Maybe it turns out it’s something else, something we can all walk away from. Right? Kyle goes someplace, something happens, there’s a hubbub but hey, if we do it right? Plus they know judges love Kyle. Absolutely love him. Probably won’t even be a trial. Now that doesn’t sound so bad, does it?

WENDY: Well, sir, Kyle and I will certainly talk about it.

TRUMP: That’s all I ask.

[TRUMP takes out his phone, hits a few buttons.]

And let me tell you, sweetheart, when we wrap this thing up, when we get back in, it’s gonna be a great day for everybody, but especially great, really stupendous, for the people who took a chance on us when we needed them.

[The golf cart rolls in and pulls up.]

For other people? Not so much. OK, your ride’s here, have a nice flight.

[TRUMP starts playing with his phone. WENDY stands, confused. RITTENHOUSE gets up and walks to the cart, briefly making a face at TRUMP, who is not looking, before boarding. WENDY struggles for words.]

WENDY: Sir? Sir — you can — you can count on us. For anything. I — we will do anything you need. Just tell us where or when, we’re ready, sir.

TRUMP: [Not looking up] Okey-doke.

[WENDY goes to the cart and she and RITTENHOUSE are driven away. TRUMP puts the phone to his ear.]

Hey. Listen. That kid that shot up the school in Michigan — he make bail?

[CURTAIN.]