Fash of the Titans

Stephen Miller tries to top Candace Owens

[Appearing before the House Judiciary Committee is STEPHEN MILLER, Trump senior policy advisor, wearing a dark blue suit the lapels of which are festooned with many buttons that say “Q,” “1488,” “WWGOWGA,” etc., and show Pepe the Frog or Celtic crosses. He also wears a yarmulke.]

CHAIRMAN NADLER: That was a fine speech, Mr. Miller, but I was curious about some of your references to your Jewish upbringing. Maybe they do things differently in Santa Monica, but in my Brooklyn household “L’Shana Tova” means have a good new year, not “build the wall,” and “Schvartze” is not a term of respect for black people. Also Yom Kippur is a time of fasting and prayer and I have never, before your testimony today, heard it compared to CPAC.

MILLER: Well, Congressman, we’ll just have to agree to disagree on that. But if I may say so, I think that ordinary Americans relate better to my clean, sunlit Southern California Judaism, the Judaism of Ronald Reagan and Dale Evans, than to your Brooklyn hipster Judaism.

NADLER: Hipster? I grew up in the late 1950s.

MILLER: Which just makes your attempts at relevance more pathetic, sir. And if I may say, America recoils at the dark urban Jew, and warms to the bright suburban Jew.

NADLER: Are you referring to yourself, Mr. Miller, because after I shook your hand my skin tested positive for mildew.

[General laughter.]

MILLER: [Loud and with an attempt at authoritativeness] I will not be mocked! I represent the President of the United States, the greatest President this country has ever had, and I resent the implication that he has anything to do with white nationalism. He hired me, after all, and I am what a real white nationalist would call a dirty, filthy, prehensile, scheming kike Yid bastard. Because that’s how those people talk. They would fantasize about a Jewish conspiracy against America led by George Soros — who to be fair does lead a conspiracy against America, as the President has said many times, but you know what they say about stopped clocks.

[MILLER does that awful laugh of his, looks around, sees no one has joined him, and broodingly returns to his testimony]

These people, the real anti-Semites, also imply a dual loyalty of American Jews to the state of Israel.

FEMALE VOICE: That’s exactly what Trump did at the RJC!

MILLER: [Looking around] Who said that? Was it one of the Muslims? [Screaming] Your time will come! You will not replace us! [More calmly] As I was saying, a stopped clock is right twice a day. And President Trump is a great friend to the African-American — or, as we proudly say in my house, the schvartze community, as my good friends Diamond and Silk told you earlier.

VOICE OF DIAMOND: We got no trouble with Trump and Trump got no trouble with Diamond and Silk.

VOICE OF SILK: Uh huh, uh huh.

VOICE OF DIAMOND: I don’t care if you call me Schwartz! That’s my landlord’s name, he’s a good man.

VOICE OF SILK: You know that’s right!

MILLER: If only you Hollywood liberals in Washington would come out of your bubble and see how much love President Trump has from Jews, schvartzes, gays, even Mexican-Americans who have been here a long time and know they have a better chance of sticking around if they keep their mouths shut. [Into the camera.] Right, Nicandra? And remember to use the chamomile spray this time.

NADLER: Well, this has been enlightening but I guess not for the first time we’re going to have your mic cut.

MILLER: Don’t you dare —

[MILLER’s mic is cut. As he seethingly abandons the witness table, flashing the “OK” sign for all he’s worth, he is surrounded by skinheads and James A. Fields Jr. types who cry for his autograph.]