Fash of the Titans
Stephen Miller tries to top Candace Owens
[Appearing before the House Judiciary Committee is STEPHEN MILLER, Trump senior policy advisor, wearing a dark blue suit the lapels of which are festooned with many buttons that say “Q,” “1488,” “WWGOWGA,” etc., and show Pepe the Frog or Celtic crosses. He also wears a yarmulke.]
CHAIRMAN NADLER: That was a fine speech, Mr. Miller, but I was curious about some of your references to your Jewish upbringing. Maybe they do things differently in Santa Monica, but in my Brooklyn household “L’Shana Tova” means have a good new year, not “build the wall,” and “Schvartze” is not a term of respect for black people. Also Yom Kippur is a time of fasting and prayer and I have never, before your testimony today, heard it compared to CPAC.
MILLER: Well, Congressman, we’ll just have to agree to disagree on that. But if I may say so, I think that ordinary Americans relate better to my clean, sunlit Southern California Judaism, the Judaism of Ronald Reagan and Dale Evans, than to your Brooklyn hipster Judaism.
NADLER: Hipster? I grew up in the late 1950s.
MILLER: Which just makes your attempts at relevance more pathetic, sir. And if I may say, America recoils at the dark urban Jew, and warms to the bright suburban Jew.
NADLER: Are you referring to yourself, Mr. Miller, because after I shook your hand my skin tested positive for mildew.
MILLER: [Loud and with an attempt at authoritativeness] I will not be mocked! I represent the President of the United States, the greatest President this country has ever had, and I resent the implication that he has anything to do with white nationalism. He hired me, after all, and I am what a real white nationalist would call a dirty, filthy, prehensile, scheming kike Yid bastard. Because that’s how those people talk. They would fantasize about a Jewish conspiracy against America led by George Soros — who to be fair does lead a conspiracy against America, as the President has said many times, but you know what they say about stopped clocks.
[MILLER does that awful laugh of his, looks around, sees no one has joined him, and broodingly returns to his testimony]
These people, the real anti-Semites, also imply a dual loyalty of American Jews to the state of Israel.
FEMALE VOICE: That’s exactly what Trump did at the RJC!
MILLER: [Looking around] Who said that? Was it one of the Muslims? [Screaming] Your time will come! You will not replace us! [More calmly] As I was saying, a stopped clock is right twice a day. And President Trump is a great friend to the African-American — or, as we proudly say in my house, the schvartze community, as my good friends Diamond and Silk told you earlier.
VOICE OF DIAMOND: We got no trouble with Trump and Trump got no trouble with Diamond and Silk.
VOICE OF SILK: Uh huh, uh huh.
VOICE OF DIAMOND: I don’t care if you call me Schwartz! That’s my landlord’s name, he’s a good man.
VOICE OF SILK: You know that’s right!
MILLER: If only you Hollywood liberals in Washington would come out of your bubble and see how much love President Trump has from Jews, schvartzes, gays, even Mexican-Americans who have been here a long time and know they have a better chance of sticking around if they keep their mouths shut. [Into the camera.] Right, Nicandra? And remember to use the chamomile spray this time.
NADLER: Well, this has been enlightening but I guess not for the first time we’re going to have your mic cut.
MILLER: Don’t you dare —
[MILLER’s mic is cut. As he seethingly abandons the witness table, flashing the “OK” sign for all he’s worth, he is surrounded by skinheads who cry for his autograph.]
(You *know* Miller has the "Horst Wessel Lied" as his ringtone.)
Nominated for burn of the year:
"...after I shook your hand my skin tested positive for mildew."