Hi, I’m Andrew Yang. Welcome to the Forward Party.
You’ll notice at our website we don’t have “policies.” That’s a trap the old unForward-thinking parties are stuck in. What we have instead are Core Values.
For example, take “Human-Centered Capitalism.” What is it? First of all, let’s talk about what it isn’t. It isn’t the tired politics of the past. It’s not a pie-in-the-sky share-the-wealth pipe dream like Bernie Sanders’ socialism, or a creaky old New Deal boondoggle like Joe Biden’s Build Back Better. It’s capitalism, the engine of our prosperity, and we make no apologies for it. We think forward-thinking people in the Republican Party will appreciate that and join our cause. We’re all about building bridges to people who may not realize how much they and we have in common.
But we know capitalism isn’t so popular these days, especially with the young people who will be the next generation of leaders in the Forward Party. Some say it’s because capitalism is leaving so many people behind, but that’s more of the same tired, old-fashioned labor-union “class” politics, pitting the “one percent” against the “workers.”
In truth, it is not the fault of our hard-working high-income entrepreneurs, who by their grit and determination have accumulated nearly all of our country’s wealth, that some people are losing their faith in capitalism. In fact it’s nobody’s fault. It’s just that we haven’t been Forward-looking enough in our Core Values, and this has misled young people into adopting the wearisome bread-and-roses call-each-other-mutuals paradigms of the past.
And that’s where Universal Basic Income or UBI comes in. Instead of demonizing our productive multi-millionaires with exorbitant taxes, we take the money the government already has and is just letting go to waste in dreary old solidarity-forever Kumbaya welfare programs like Social Security, and give everyone $1,000 a month to do with as they choose — invest, start a business, or, for the less ambitious, purchase food and clothing. And that grand-a-month will bring millions of struggling Americans that much closer to the $400,000 a year that, though it certainly isn’t rich, is generally agreed to be the minimum for a decent chance at building real wealth.
And here’s another Core Value: Term Limits! It’s not exactly a new concept; did you know, for example, that a certain young firebrand tried to bring it to Washington in the 1990s? And do you know who that firebrand was? Newt Gingrich! True, you look at him today and he seems pretty unallied with our Core Values, but once upon a time he, too, was a starry-eyed idealist. And we believe he can be again — we’ve put out feelers to Mr. Gingrich, and I’m happy to report that he’s very interested in the Forward Party, and may make some educational videos for us. More bridge-building!
I know the path to victory seems difficult, even impossible. But so many things that we once could only dream of also seemed difficult or impossible just a short time ago — things like Facebook, crypto, NFTs, and billionaires in space — and now they’re part of our everyday lives. Look at something I pushed for in my 2020 presidential campaign — ranked-choice voting. It was adopted by the New York City Democratic Party this year and look what a stunning success it turned out to be, giving the Democrats a great candidate who not only, like us, builds bridges by condemning the tired old liberal politics of the past, but also could become the first non-resident of New York City to serve as its mayor! Now that’s Forward thinking!
“I am shocked and disappointed to learn that Andrew Yang is gimmicky, clueless capitalist trash” – said no progressive Democrat, ever.
I've never understood Yang -- you know, Why is he, why is he? -- and none of the reading up on him helps.
As for a third party, really, it's clear that one is in no way a solution, can't be, shouldn't be.
I mean, Yang, JFC.
And props to Maestro on this one. Hard as fuck to parody what's a parody in the first place.