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I remember a Jewish friend of mine being very upset when I said that the Pope was just a man eith a funny hat whose pronouncements meant nothing to me. My friend said I should at least respect the position of Pope.

Oy.

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The pope is on one of those whirlwind tours where he visit two cities a day and speaks to football stadiums just full of people - spreading a message of peace, hope and love. One of the services goes a little long and the Pope is really pressed for time getting to the airport so he can leave and fly to the next city where he knows huge crowds are already gathering. He jumps in the limo to take him to the airport and tells the driver" Step on it,I got a plane to catch. "

It's Rush Hour and traffic on the freeways moving about 30 miles an hour. After a few minutes of this, the Pope lowers the glass partition between him and the driver and says "Hey, can't you go any faster?"

The driver says "What am I going to do? It's Rush Hour"

Poe says" I'm a busy man I got places to be"

The limo driver throws up his hands and says" You think you can do any better you're welcome to try"

Pope says " Why not?" So they get out of car and switch places. Pope opens the sunroof a enough for the hat to stick out, steers the car to the side of the road and goes busting ass up the berm about 80 miles an hour. He doesn't go a mile before motorcycle cops sees him it starts to follow with his siren and lights on. The Pope looks in the rearview mirror, sees the cop and stops the limousine. The cop gets off the motorcycle and walks to the driver side window. Pope rolls down the window. Cop looks at the pope and says " Just a minute" and turns around and walks back to his motorcycle. He gets on the radio and asked the dispatcher to patch him through to the sergeant.

" Sarge, I just pulled a limousine over up on Highway 9. Traffic is pretty much come to a standstill and this limo is driving down the berm about 80."

Sargent says" Good work! Throw the book at them"

Cop says" I don't know Sarge, he's definitely some kind of VIP".

Sarge says" What, the mayor or something?

Cop says" A little more important than that I think."

Sargent says " A senator or something?"

Cop says" Oh, more important that. Definitely."

Sargent " OK. I give. You got the president or something?"

Cop says " I don't know who this guy is,Sargent, but he's got the Pope driving for him."

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My Pope joke, taught to me by my Da:

So the Pope getting his game face on before a Sunday morning benediction at Saint Peter's Cathedral in the Vatican City. Rather than obsess over the same script he gives most weeks (you always find errors in declesional endings dontcha know?), he chills out by doing a weekly crossword puzzle (which happens to be in English, but work with me here).

So his handler comes into the lounge next to the portico, & says meekly "Five minutes until you're on, Your Holiness."

The Pope replies, "Thank you, Father Bernadino."

There's a pause.

The Pope says "Hey before you go, could you help me with my crossword puzzle?"

Father Bernadino replies, "Certainly Your Holiness, I will try, but you know my English is not as good as yours." [Being infallible by doctrine, the Pope is really good at English. High marks.]

So the Pope says, "What's a four-letter word for a woman? Second letter is u & the last is t."

Father Bernadino thinks a moment & says, "Why it's 'aunt,' Your Holiness."

The Pope smiles in realization, and then frowns & says, "You don't happen to have an eraser on you, do you?"

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Now I know 2 funny Pope jokes!

Here's my favorite take (other than Roy's)on the Royals so far.

https://twitter.com/unfortunatalie/status/1567970723091693570?s=20&t=nGOEvHYpG0hzuscXCXOa3Q

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Sorry to say, I laughed. I know it was wrong. I mean, the joke’s, needs a better set up.

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Stop me if you've heard it:

Couple of East Enders go to the Vatican, see the Pope, etc.

They work up a thirst and go to a trattoria.

"Two pints of lager," says one.

"No lager," says their host.

"Two pints of ale, then," says the second.

"No ale," says the host.

"Well... what's your Pope drink then?"

"He drinks benedictine."

"Right, two pints of benedictine."

In due course our men are on the floor. One raises his head to ask:

"Y'say this is what your Pope drinks?"

"Yes."

"No wonder they're always carryin' 'im about in a fuckin' chair, then."

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Know I know 3 funny Pope Jokes! How is that possible? Three!

It's an age of miracles and wonders.

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Lasers in the jungle... Millionaires & billionaires & babies

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😂😂😂

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A Pope-adjacent joke: The Pope is giving a talk on Comparative Religions and the Seven Dwarves are in the audience. At the end of the talk, the Pope asks for questions from the audience. Dopey sticks up his hand "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in the world?" "No, my son, I don't think so." "Are you sure, Mr Pope, that there are no dwarf nuns?" "Yes" answers the Pope, checking on Google. "Sorry, Dopey, but there are no dwarf nuns." From the back of the room can be heard six dwarves chanting "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."

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Four!

I know four funny Pope Jokes!

Related - -

Guy runs into a crowded bar "Hey everybody!" Nobody pays attention - he shouts "HEY EVERYBODY -" the place gets quiet - the man continues "Anybody here own a 6 foot penguin?" Everyone looks at one another, shaking their heads no -

Guy says "Godammit - I just ran over a nun".

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Ah, “Respect the Office,” which naturally leads to “it’s wrong to prosecute an ex-president for the many crimes he flagrantly committed.”

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Of course "respect the office" can't mean "hold the people who occupy it to a high standard."

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Good heavens, no! You must allow the elite dirtbags who held office to commit crimes with smirking impunity. High standards would be a shameful thing to apply to our betters.

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Doncha know that prosecuting a former President makes us some kind of third-world banana republic? Like France or Israel.

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Smirking Impunity was GW Bush Cover Band

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If 'held to a high standard' is the same as 'hung from a high gibbet', then, yeah...

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2001--2008: "Respect The Office!"

2009-2016: called everything but a child of god.

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Hearted unhappily due to its execrable truthiness.

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Toffs" is such a good word! And you use it well.

So while the rest of America is talking "How 'bout them Bills? " we're discussing Oscar Wilde on Charles Dickens. Do I ever feel superior!

Wait a minute - isn't that the sort of things the Toffs talk about?

What -Paddington Bear is dead!?!

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Apparently he dies and gets resurrected from time to time. Bigger than Jesus!

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Isn't Paddington like a children's story? That sounds kind of traumatic. Like Peter Rabbit getting shotgunned during hunting season or Pooh losing his leg in a steel trap.

No wonder kids are fucked up. I always thought it was the video games.

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Crap! What day is it? Good Friday? Mighty fine Thursday? Helluva Wednesday? I cannot keep up with that bear! I'm gonna start a petition to Keep Paddington Stationary!

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Never gave a fuck about the royal family. If I ever did, can’t recall when.

Full disclosure: I’ve always had issues with the German Queen that a) she owned all of DaVinci’s anatomical drawings and b) kept them locked away in Windsor Palace. And a more current, lesser beef: Prince Andrew (allegedly) remained her favorite child til the end.

That said, I find her death suspicious. Im guessing King Chuck’s behind it, or maybe Wills and Kate are trying to frame Chuck because, seriously, wait another couple of decades. Or Liz Truss who deserves to blamed for everything.

But to quote Sleepy Joe Biden in different circumstances: Big fucking deal.

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She meets with Liz Truss, then dies two days later. CONNECT THE DOTS SHEEPLE.

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It woulda killed me to anoint Lizzy PM too.

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Just asking questions here. Making no assumptions.

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She had to first meet with Boris, then Liz, and pretend that she actually liked both of them and wished them well. That would have killed anyone half her age.

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Despite being an ostensible democracy, many people in the USA are fixated with royalty and hereditary titles. Witness the 19th century heiresses who married bankrupt English noblemen or the nitwits today who buy a square inch of land in Scotland so they can call themselves a "lord of the manor." The irony lies in the fact that the House of Hanover is one of the most junior, least distinguished European dynasties. Hell, Scandinavian royalty can trace their ancestry back eleven hundred years (the Japanese Emperor can go back 1700!). My guess is the focus largely derives from our colonial history and the fact that the House of Hanover is basically the only one that still puts on a lot of pomp and circumstance. I still think it's all bullshit.

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People always seem fascinated by royalty. Not everyone, but lots of people. Since we don’t officially have royalty, we adopt the British royal family, or Hollywood celebrities, or billionaires and elevate them to the role. I don’t get it, but then I don’t get why so many people deeply need a “strong leader,” or have a craving for fascism either.

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Americans love royalty, but we're not particularly clever about it. Ask most of us to name the Queen of Denmark or the King of the Netherlands, for instance, and the response is likely, "aren't those the same country?"

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Also, those Americans who love royalty aren’t interested in the Nordic or Dutch royals; there’s not enough pomp and circumstance. If you’re into royalty, chances are you’re into the Cinderella and period drama/costume party aspects of it.

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They know they're figureheads. That said, they served as rallying points for their peoples against Hitler (Wilhelmina and Haakon VII escaped capture; Christian X stayed but thumbed his nose at the Nazis at every opportunity). They served as continuity postwar when collaborators were rounded up and shot.

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I think in the 1980's, USAsians were perplexed to learn that the top royal of either The Netherlands or Belgium habitually rode a bicycle from their residence to the palace.

What is royalty, these Americans would wonder, if that's just a normal bike & if the path they took was not lined with peasant bodies?

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No Americans can name any royalty from any African country either.

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The Windsors were originally Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, not Hanover. The family name was changed to Windsor during WW1 for some reason.

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To me they will always be the House of Hanover.

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Oh, that's a bunch of Liberty Cabbage!

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I wonder what those could be...

Also, notable the famous photo of the young Windsors giving the Nazi salute, & their father's active collaboration with Hitler b4 the war.

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Well, we know from whom the Windsor name came and why.

Too, the upper classes in the 30s had let’s say great tolerance for Nazi Germany.

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"Cliveden Set". It's a plot point in the movie "Gosford Park".

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There's a new thing out, bitchezz...It's called

**THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!!**

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Eh, give it a couple of centuries and see how it's working out then.

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Fintan O'Toole took the opportunity to note that every British passport labels the bearer as a "subject" of the Queen, while American passports list us as "citizens", and that's a profound difference. I expect the British SAS is closing in on his house right now.

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Awesome as usual, Roy, but do you really think Nooners would let a full fifth of <i>anything</i> pass by without realizing it?

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"Which century is this?" seems like a question a doctor would ask you after you suffer some form of head trauma, not a question you'd address to a Washington Post columnist.

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And if there's one thing Nooners knows, it's head trauma

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Thanks for your take on the media feeding frenzy, Roy. As for myself, I feel like I must be the only person in the world who hasn’t been paying any attention to this and frankly doesn’t care. I mean, I heard some details and schmaltzing from the BBC, but that’s because I occasionally listen to the 3-minute BBC Radio 1 news updates at the top of the hour.

As for the extravagant, hyperbolic takes, I think Crow T. Robot said it best: “There are more trends than ever nowadays, and it’s important to know about them, and react!”

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The "news" continues today: Queen Elizabeth Still Dead

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Which Elizabeth?

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Liz II: Media Barren

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ALL OF THEM

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"And our top story tonight, Generalissimo Francisco Franco is STILL DEAD."

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MeMeMegan: "Queen Elizabeth presided over the end of the British Empire, not its expansion, and also, parliament has been charge of Britain's foreign policy for the whole of her reign."

Periodic reminder that her first prime minister was senescent Winston Churchill. Her second was Anthony Eden, who fumbled Suez.

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sounds like she was a LOOOOOSER if ya ask me!

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"I like guys who don't lose all their colonies"

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Thanks, Roy. The fucking flag is flying at half-staff in New York City for the fucking queen of England. WTF?

Question for any anglophiles out there: Does the royal family have any real power at all, besides spending money?

I look forward to Peggy Noonan's breathless, tearful valediction to Henry Kissinger. Because it will mean that the universe is finally rid of him.

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I was puzzled by the half-staffed flags today and did not make the connection til this column. I seem to be getting commoner all the time...

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I've seen a lot of tweets about the Queen having had the power to stop the worst excesses of British rule (i.e. a massacre in Yemen, a few assorted military actions in Africa) but refused to do so. I always thought that the PM and Parliament called the shots on everything, and that the royals were figureheads in the purest sense, but I dunno, and not sure I can be bothered to do a deep dive into it. I do know that Boris Johnson supposedly had to ask her permission to to do some shenanigans that were out of the ordinary w/r/t Brexit, and she just basically gave him carte blanche, so whether she had any real power or not, it doesn't appear that she used it (other than, according to this article, lobbying against a transparency law "in order to conceal her 'embarrassing' private wealth from the public."

This article also mentions this: "Evidence of the monarch’s lobbying of ministers was uncovered by a Guardian investigation into the royal family’s use of an arcane parliamentary procedure, known as Queen’s consent, to secretly influence the formation of British laws. Unlike the better-known procedure of royal assent, a formality that marks the moment when a bill becomes law, Queen’s consent must be sought before legislation can be approved by parliament. It requires ministers to alert the Queen when legislation might affect either the royal prerogative or the private interests of the crown."

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2021/feb/07/revealed-queen-lobbied-for-change-in-law-to-hide-her-private-wealth

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I thought she also got her taxes lowered by lobbying on Queen's consent

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Pelosi had a bill brought forth to do half mast on all Federal buildings, IIRC

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Federal buildings, adrift again...

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I have a few friends who are weirdly besotted with the Windsors. I feel a certain pang at the news, but that’s because of the prominent world figures who were around when I first started paying attention to the news in the late fifties/early sixties—Eisenhower, Kennedy, Macmillan, de Gaulle, Adenauer, Churchill, Nehru, Khrushchev, John XXIII, Franco, Nasser, Ben-Gurion, Castro, Mao, Ho Chi Minh, etc.—she was the last one standing. I used to joke that she had some kind of Tithonus arrangement going, and would outlive not merely Charles but William and George as well. It’s not as though I cried myself to sleep last night, but it does feel as though a feature of the landscape has gone missing.

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That's pretty much how I feel - a pang and an impression of how the landscape looks different now that her long life is over. I kind of liked her. That's the personal side of mah brane. The historical* side has a whole different take. One doesn't have to overwhelm the other. (*I know I am not a Real Historian; I just read stuff.)

But I intend to ignore all of the coverage for the same reason I ignore the Olympics. I hate being force-fed all the pre-masticated, cloying, garish chatter on TV and the parade of dubiously-anointed experts. I might look for highlights afterwards, like I do with the Olympics (and the Academy Awards - I can't stand the anticipation of possibly cringeworthy events). And if I get to ignore McMeghan and Noonan, well, bonus.

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It definitely is weird sitting here at 64 and realizing that she's been Queen for my entire lifetime. I still remember looking at those Encyclopedia Brittanica World Books when I was a kid, which featured people like Churchill, Khrushchev, JFK, Castro...and Liz. She outlived them all.

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Wow, the first draft of that comment looked like it was AI-written.

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It really is odd that a country which fought a bloody and violent revolution against the British crown would fawn over said monarchy, but then again, the United States is a hodgepodge nation and many of us are stupid beyond belief.

Yesterday, I was reminded of Patrick Freyne's article about Oprah's interview with Harry and Megan in the Irish Times. It was a throwback to when journalism still had sharp teeth, with great paragraphs like this:

"Having a queen as head of state is like having a pirate or a mermaid or Ewok as head of state. What’s the logic? Bees have queens, but the queen bee lays all of the eggs in the hive. The queen of the Britons has laid just four British eggs, and one of those is the sweatless creep Prince Andrew, so it’s hardly deserving of applause."

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Thanks, I had read that before and then forgotten where, but it's GLORIOUS.

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Also, "sweatless creep" needs to join "short-fingered vulgarian" in the all-time list of best insults.

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It's from here. The first paragraph is magnificent.

https://www.irishtimes.com/culture/tv-radio-web/harry-and-meghan-the-union-of-two-great-houses-the-windsors-and-the-celebrities-is-complete-1.4504502

"Having a monarchy next door is a little like having a neighbour who’s really into clowns and has daubed their house with clown murals, displays clown dolls in each window and has an insatiable desire to hear about and discuss clown-related news stories.

More specifically, for the Irish, it’s like having a neighbour who’s really into clowns and, also, your grandfather was murdered by a clown."

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Mmm… as I’m wont to note, what bothered the Founding Fathers about the monarchy was they the latter sticks their fingers into all commerce — everything’s by license of the king or whatever. That is, a middleman in every deal. Getting freedom from that was the point of the revolution. Everything else was bullshit to get the little people on board. The FF was also upset over being taxed to pay for protection from native people as provided by the English.

So since HRH’s haven’t been skimming our money, no reason not to enjoy the show.

Even, I personally don’t give a shit about the royal family.

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I was never able to understand the outpouring of emotion at the death of Diana, only a former Royal, so I suspect that there will be something like that over this. Oh where is Cromwell and of course Milton when you need them?

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They're dead too, I think.

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Good riddance to the former.

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Just want to check in by saying ROY'S TITLES ARE AWESOME and we should all marvel at how he manages to pull it off every time.

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Couldn’t care less about the Queen but this was funny: the TV folks were quoting all the nice things Presidents said about her and I said, “What if Trump said, ‘She wasn’t my type, I wouldn’t do her,’” and my wife missed the “what if” part and said, “Just what I’d expect from that asshole.” So the true nature of The Donald is now part of our history and always will be.

Also Elton John paid tribute to Liz. You woulda thought Cher had died, or Judy.

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👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 to your wife.

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".....the rich could certainly come up with the money to buy enough of us off to keep themselves safe from even ridicule, never mind revolt"

I am interested in your ideas and wish to subscr............oh, wait....

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"If the rich could pay people to die for them, we, the poor, would make a very good living!"

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A couple of days ago when the Obamas had the unveiling of their official portraits at the White House, MSNBC played a clip of Obama at a similar ceremony for George W. Bush's portrait. Obama remarked on how each resident of the White House is really just renting the place, and has only a short time before handing it over to the next occupant. Obvious comparisons were made with the former guy who didn't want to do the handover at all, but the overall tone was a celebration of the glories of American Democracy, where even the most powerful must leave on a quadrennial or octennial schedule. Today, of course, we celebrate the opposite, people who can only be removed by death, cognitives dissonanting all the while. Democracy, not-democracy, we love it all.

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I prefer to think of the taxpaying citizens of the USofA as the landlords AND rent-payers of the White House, if only to remind myself that the occupants are there only so long as we abide them.

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There you go, that's the approach to longtime Republican voters:

"OK, suppose you had a tenant whose lease was up and they refused to vacate?"

"My God, I'd never thought of it like THAT!"

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Except they could never view Trump as a tenant. I will go to my grave trying to figure out why this crooked, failing real estate developer from NYC turned TV celebrity inspired people to actually go to jail for him.

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One lesson I've tried to learn from the Trump Years is that humans are fundamentally irrational, and it's best to observe their irrationality with Spock-like detachment and not to get drawn into it too much by trying to figure out their "thought" processes.

For example, the most sensible answer to the question "Why do people believe X" is "Because that's what they were told."

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Unequivocal gratitude to you for this piece. I thought I was the only one less than devastated and more than appropriately sympathetic for this poor wealthy old woman who gratefully now is likely out of the final physical discomforts of age and even more happily not subjected to the fatuous exaggerations of what a marvelous human being she had been from royal womb to lavish tomb. At least she became ever so only minutes after her last gasp. I'll say no more. You did a fine job. Long live le Roy verite! There's an accent or two in there, folks.

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Not grave, though.

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Twitter, in many places, is failing to mourn properly.

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