Future deployments

Call out the Guard!

Public domain.

South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem said Tuesday she will use a donation from a Republican donor to fund a deployment of up to 50 South Dakota National Guard troops to the U.S. border with Mexico…

Willis and Reba Johnson’s Foundation made the donation directly to the state, Fury said. Willis Johnson, a Tennessee-based billionaire, is the founder of an online used-car auction called Copart. He regularly makes large contributions to Republicans, including $200,000 to the Trump Victory Committee last year…

Johnson said he approached Noem about making a donation after hearing about [Texas Governor] Abbott’s border barrier push. He added that he would have preferred to stay anonymous but that Noem’s office told him they had to at least disclose his name. He declined to say how much he was giving to South Dakota for the deployment.

“America gave a lot of money to get that border wall done,” Johnson said. “It takes private individuals now.”

— “GOP donor funds South Dakota National Guard troops in Texas,” ABC News

[A primary-school classroom in Gantry, Georgia.]

TEACHER: A few weeks ago, we had a brand new holiday called Juneteenth. Who here has heard about that?

[Half the kids’ hands go up.]

Does anyone know what the holiday of Juneteenth is about? Yes, Hessie.

HESSIE: The end of slavery.

TEACHER: Well, not quite. You see, in June of 1865 the slaves had already been freed, but a lot of them didn’t know about it yet. The slaves in Texas didn’t know for months and had to go on working. So Gordon Granger, a Major General in the Union Army, rode down to Galveston —

[INDIANA NATIONAL GUARDSMEN burst into the classroom, guns drawn.]

GUARDSMAN: Chief Warrant Officer Stockowski is taking command of this classroom in the name of the state of Indiana, Richard and Elizabeth Uihlein and a donor who wishes to remain anonymous! Sergeant Smith, relieve the teacher of her chalk and magic markers!

[SERGEANT SMITH does so. STOCKOWSKI addresses the children.]

If any of the white children in the class have been traumatized by this unauthorized lesson, proceed with me to the disindoctrination unit in the parking lot, where we’re playing Gone With The Wind.

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[The Paradise Cove Theater of River Spirit Casino Resort in Tulsa, Oklahoma, site of the Miss USA 2021 pageant. Host RYAN SEACREST addresses the audience.]

SEACREST: I know you’re all rarin’ to meet our lovely contestants, so let’s bring ‘em out here!

[Applause, but instead of Miss USA finalists MISSOURI NATIONAL GUARDSMEN take the stage. One GUARDSMAN seizes SEACREST’s mic.]

GUARDSMAN: Ladies and gentlemen, we have intervened in this pageant because it has come to the attention of the Governor of Missouri and the Koch Foundation that Miss Nevada Kataluna Enriquez is not a biological female. This is a violation of applicable laws and the Code of the West. Paperwork has been filed with valet parking. Kataluna Enriquez has been removed from the premises and the pageant will resume as soon as we conduct a genital examination of the other finalists. We thank you for your patience.

[SEVERAL GUARDSMEN pull on latex gloves and exit stage right.]

Mr. Seacrest, you will refrain from referring to the contestants as “lovely” or by any other feminine signifiers until we have finished our investigation.

[The GUARDSMAN hands the mic back to SEACREST and leaves. Pause.]

SEACREST: That calls for a song, don’t you think? Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Marc Cohn!

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[Commercial strip, Los Angeles. People going in and out of Whole Foods wearing masks, per the new Los Angeles County recommendation to deter the spread of a COVID variant. Several GUARDSMEN approach the entrance and, reading off index cards, call out to masked shoppers.]

GUARDSMAN 1: “I hope you’re happy with your face diaper, stupid.”

GUARDSMAN 2: “Are you scared you’ll get cooties, snowflake?”

GUARDSMAN 3: “Your mask won’t keep you safe from socialism.”

A MASKED SHOPPER: [To Guardsmen] You guys are Guardsmen? What the hell?

GUARDSMAN 1: Ma’am, we have been sent by Governor DeSantis of Florida and Erik Prince, and are under orders to heckle patrons for wearing facemasks.

A MASKED SHOPPER: What sense does that make?

GUARDSMAN 1: I’m not a lawyer, ma’am, though I am aware that these patrons are not in violation of any applicable laws. I understand this to be some form of cointelpro. But I have my orders.

A MASKED SHOPPER: I can’t believe Newsom is letting you do this.

GUARDSMAN 1: It is my understanding Governor Newsom lost a bet with Kelsey Grammer.

A MASKED SHOPPER: My brother’s a Guardsman. Don’t you realize how stupid this makes you look?

GUARDSMAN 1: Look, lady, what do you want from me? I’m trying to get my bachelor’s degree. [To masked female passerby] “You’d be a lot prettier if I could see you smile.”