Get well soon

The President and whatshisname visit a sick friend

[A very nice hospital ward; one bed visible to audience, two others curtained off behind. In the visible bed is REP. LOUIS GOHMERT, gowned, attached to monitors and a nasal cannula, looking frail. The door opens and TRUMP and his son-in-law JARED KUSHNER enter wearing what look like Hazmat suits — KUSHNER’s suit is the one he was preparing to abandon in “The Royal Couple At Home”; it is repaired in places with duct tape. TRUMP’s suit looks newer and better, more like a spacesuit, but he moves with difficulty in it, as if it were taxing his strength. The door closes behind them.]

TRUMP: Can he hear me?

KUSHNER: Well, we have our speakers on. Can you hear me?

TRUMP: Yeah. [To GOHMERT.] Hey Louie! How ya doing?

[GOHMERT’s eyes flicker, then open; he sees TRUMP and KUSHNER; his eyes pop and he gives a feeble, terrified cry.]

Relax, it’s me, Trump. You remember? I’m the President.

GOHMERT: [In a weak voice] Oh, Mr. Pres’dent, oh, ah thought you was angels o’ Jesus come to carry me off.

TRUMP: [To KUSHNER] Angels! That’s a laugh.

KUSHNER: I think he means the suits.

TRUMP: Oh yeah. What’s wrong with yours? It’s all messed up.

[TRUMP picks at one of the duct-tape patches on KUSHNER’s suit; KUSHNER cowers back.]

KUSHNER: Don’t! I threw it in the trash and before I could get it back a dog chewed it up.

TRUMP: [To GOHMERT] Yeah, Louie, don’t take this wrong, but security reasons we gotta be careful.

GOHMERT: Ah understand, Mr. Pres’dent, you don’t wanna catch this nohow ‘cuz, oh my Lord, I feel lower than a snake belly in a wagon rut.

TRUMP: Terrific. Well, I’m okay in this thing.

[TRUMP gestures to KUSHNER.]

This is Jared, he’s married to Ivanka.

KUSHNER: Hello, Mr. Gohmert. Are they taking good care of you here?

GOHMERT: Oh, they doin’ everythin' they can, son, but ah hafta admit, ah ain’t breathin’ too good an’, an’ ah ain’t in control of myse’f no more, y’unnerstan’, ah got me a diaper on.

TRUMP: [To KUSHNER] Good thing I can’t smell it.

GOHMERT: [Whimpering] Mr. Pres’dent? Ah’m a-skeered. They tole me ah was a-gonna make it but ah’m a-skeered ah’m a-gonna die lahk thet Herman Cain! I ain’t never know’d a Republican died fum it but ah reckon you kin. [Starts crying] Oh Lord ah’m a-skeered! Jesus he’p me, he’p me he’p poor ol’ Louie Gohmert!

[GOHMERT thrashes in his bed.]

KUSHNER: Oh my God.

TRUMP: Louie, listen to me. Listen. I talked to the CDC and they say it’s tough on the colored but not on the white men. Herman, he was a good man but he was black and not Obama black, I mean like out of the jungle. Those people don't have the, their bodies don’t have it, so they're dropping like flies. Even if they’re Republicans like, like Lionel Hampton. But not you, OK? Don’t worry.

GOHMERT: Ah, ah reckon that’s so, Mr. Pres’dent. That shore is a heap o’ comfort.

[The door opens and a NURSE, gowned, visored and N95-masked — and black — enters and closes the door behind her. From the look in her eyes it appears she has been listening.]

NURSE: Excuse me, Mr. President, I have to see the other patients now.

TRUMP: Oh, behind the curtain, okay. We were just leaving.

NURSE: I’d appreciate if you'd wait, sir. This is an isolation ward and we don’t want to open and close the door when we don’t have to.

TRUMP: No, see —

NURSE: [Forcefully] Besides, I think Senator Graham and Representative McCarthy would appreciate your company.

[She goes behind the curtains.]

TRUMP: What! Hello!

KUSHNER: Oh my God, it’s a death trap!

TRUMP: They got Lindsay in here? Holy shit.

VOICE OF LINDSAY GRAHAM: [Sickly] Is that President Trump?

VOICE OF KEVIN McCARTHY: [Phlegmy] He won’t let us die!

[KUSHNER tries the door.]

KUSHNER: Oh my God! It’s locked! Oh my God! [Beats on door, scream-cries]

TRUMP: Hey, Jared! Look alive!

[TRUMP pulls a piece of duct tape off KUSHNER’s suit. KUSHER screams like he’s been shot and continues screaming. He falls to the floor screaming and writhing. GRAHAM, McCARTHY and GOHMERT scream in response. TRUMP does the confused Vincent Vega thing. CURTAIN.]