A change in tactics

Heil-ing in plain sight

[A little drop-ceiling conference room somewhere in Tallahassee. Seated at a conference table are RON DeSANTIS in his usual dark blue Prada suit, white shirt, red tie, and Bruno Magli loafers, and next to him SIM SEAMUS, a beefy 22-year-old ginger dressed pretty much the same way as DeSANTIS but groomed and coiffed in the cartoonishly slick manner popular with MAGA self-promoters; he also has a small Wehrwolf Wehrverband Freikorps pin on his lapel. SEAMUS has an iPad; DeSANTIS is without device. Stading before them is HEN SIMPTON, a 30-year-old dressed like DeSANTIS and SEAMUS but much skinnier – in fact his suit hangs off him; he’s also narrow-headed and long-nosed and such hair as he has is very cut very tight to his skull except for a longish forelock which hangs down on his forehead. He too has a Freikorps pin.]

DeSANTIS: OK, Hen — I assume that’s short for Henry.

SIMPTON: Yes, Governor.

DeSANTIS: If we work together I would refer to you as Henry.

SIMPTON: [After a moment] Yes, Governor.

DeSANTIS: [Gesturing toward SEAMUS] He likes to be called Sim, but we refer to him as Sean. We don’t want to alienate the press any more than we have to.

SEAMUS: [to SIMPTON, smiling] Not that we don’t enjoy alienating the press!

[SEAMUS and SIMPTON laugh, SIMPTON maybe a little too loudly. Small pause.]

DeSANTIS: I’m sure you’re aware we have not been getting our message out to the kind of people we need to win. [to SEAMUS]  Want to run that down for him?

SEAMUS: There are voters who would respond to our message, who know it’s the truth but they’re afraid — afraid their friends will think less of them if they break with convention and step into the bright sunshine of the new. We must give them courage to defy those friends and even their own families, their wives, sons, daughters, [voice grows louder] push them aside, reject and say no, I will not comply — I stand, even against blood of my blood, for DeSantis and liberty!

[Small pause.]

DeSANTIS: I wouldn’t put it quite that way but you’re the experts. So, Henry, let’s hear what you got.

SIMPTON: [Clears throat] Very well. Governor: Now is the time. [Small pause.] The time to show the world who Governor DeSantis is.

[SIMPTON takes a cooling breath, exhales, shakes out his shoulders, hits his clicker. The word “DeSantis” appears on the screen with each S rendered as a classic Schutzstaffel “lightning bolt.”]

DeSantis is Sharp. He cuts — cuts like a fine blade through the lies and homosexualism of convention. DeSantis is Bold — he makes his statement and leaves the stage; let other debate what is not debatable!  Finally. DeSantis is Jagged. If a homosexualist whimpers, “Oh no, that is bad, that is totalitarian!” DeSantis says no, it is you who are totalitarian. And the homosexualist is confounded! Now he must explain himself, while DeSantis has gone forward, on to win the hearts of his people. DeSantis can always turn the tables, for he defines reality itself, reality changes as DeSantis decrees. That is power. That is DeSantis.

[SIMPTON takes a cooling breath, exhales, shakes out his shoulders. Pause.]

DeSANTIS: [To SEAMUS] Are we going with homosexualist? Because that’s four syllables — actually six syllables: Ho. Mo. Sex. U. A. List. Yeah. No. That’s too much. I want people to know where I stand. I don’t want to challenge them intellectually.

SIMPTON: You would prefer a cruder epithet?

DeSANTIS: I would prefer people get it without being told. Our best polls? I didn’t have to say a thing. They knew what I meant.  And it drove people nuts because they couldn’t pin it on me. I never even say “gay.” You ever notice that? Voters do. So no homo-whatsis. Now. The Bold Sharp and so forth —

[DeSANTIS points at the screen, grins, shakes his head.]

Come on — that’s the Kiss logo. Maybe you guys are too young or someone’s pulling your leg but Kiss was a very, very big rock band — and they all wore makeup. Until Lick It Up, which, they were still good but that’s what people remember. So we’re associating my name with men wearing makeup. You see the problem here.

[SEAMUS and SIMPTON exchange nervous glances.]

SIMPTON: But Governor, it’s not only a Kiss logo with which this, this treatment is associated —

[SEAMUS surreptitiously gives SIMPTON the “cut it” gesture.]

DeSANTIS: Uh huh.

SIMPTON: I, I mean I cannot call these associations to mind right now, but [gestures] just look at it, sir — it stirs feelings —

DeSANTIS: Uh huh, feelings of the Hot in the Shade tour, Jacksonville Memorial Coliseum.

[DeSANTIS stands; so does SEAMUS.]

Look, I hate to waste your time. Say it without saying it. That’s my whole thing. Think about it, we’ll talk.

[DeSANTIS heads to the door, pausing only briefly to look at SEAMUS and SIMPTOM; quietly:]

Also no more Nazi shit.

[DeSANTIS leaves, humming “Lick It Up.” SEAMUS goes to SIMPTON.]

SEAMUS: I told you.

SIMPTON: I begin to think I misjudged the Governor.

SEAMUS: He’s a politician. He’s not a true believer. He likes what works.

SIMPTON: True believer — maybe he’s not a believer at all!  

SEAMUS: You’ve seen the laws he passed.

SIMPTON: Yes, but not far enough. How much further is he willing to go? All the way to the final solution? I always had doubts. He has a weak chin. The Führer knew it was a bad sign.

SEAMUS: [Sighs] I hope you’ll try again, Hen. I could use you on the team.

SIMPTON: Sim, listen, maybe it’s time for you to be sharp and jagged. I go to see Vivek next Monday. Perhaps it’s you who should join me.

SEAMUS: Vivek? But he is Untermensch.

SIMPTON: Yes, he’s Indian, but his house? Full of swastikas!  

[Minsky pickup, blackout.]