Good, if Racist News for Donald Trump!

Tubby insults a bunch of black people and Received Opinion is ON IT!

BOLT UPRIGHT: Good evening, I’m Bolt Upright and this is Received Opinion!

[A screeching tire’s idea of a musical sting. Behind UPRIGHT: Limited-animation cartoon of the face of Kamala Harris turning a variety of colors with the caption CHANGE OF “TONE.”]

President Trump appeared before the National Association of Black Journalists and before his handlers rushed him offstage he made some controversial statements, for example, that his black interviewers were “nasty,” that he would pardon the January 6 insurrectionists, and, perhaps most controversially, that his opponent Kamala Harris is only pretending to be black. We turn now to our Decision Desk panel of experts to tell us how this is a big win for Donald Trump.

[Brief, atonal sonic spasm as UPRIGHT joins the usual Decision Desk team: PEONI DOYENNE, wearing a black and silver Reem Acra beaded halter-neck midi dress, black Michael Kors ribbed cashmere shrug, and tan Gianvito Rossi Flavia sandals; CHAFE DRAMATUGY, wearing a white Ralph Lauren cricket sweater with the collar of a pinstriped Brooks Brothers shirt popped, pale green khakis, and white Ben Silver Bermuda Bucks; and BUFF TOEHOLD, looking out of it, in what appear to be blue scrubs with a nondescript black jacket and brown slippers.]

Some people who are not Washington outsiders might take umbrage at President Trump’s remarks, but I understand the network green rooms and Slack channels are all atwitter — or should I say all a-X — about his masterful manipulation of the media — which I guess would be you guys.

DRAMATURGY: [Holding up some newspapers] First, Bolt, I want to commend the press for acting with restraint on this controversial incident. Here’s the New York Times’ headline: “Trump Questions Harris’s Racial Identity, Saying She Only ‘Became a Black Person’ Recently.” It must have been hard not to seem to take a side on this controversy, but Joe Kahn and the boys managed it! Boys and girls I should say.  And here’s the Wall Street Journal: “Half of politics is showing up, even for a roomful of critics. That’s the best way to think about Donald Trump’s appearance at the National Association of Black Journalists convention in Chicago on Wednesday.” Now, they did say it was “odd” that Trump questioned her racial identity, but that was just a very tiny part of this generally fair-minded report — not putting their thumb on the scale and I think we as journalists should recognize that.

DOYENNE: And the Washington Post, did you see? “Harris faces a pivotal moment as Trump questions her identity”? Right down the middle!

DRAMATURGY: If anything can get the public to trust journalism again, this is it.

DOYENNE: Bolt, let’s not forget those Republicans in Congress who have declined to comment on Trump’s appearance. In these contentious times, it’s so encouraging to see politicians who refused to fan the flames!

DRAMATURGY: Now you know I’m no Trump fan —

DOYENNE: Oh, God, me either! [To DRAMATURGY] Neither?

DRAMATURGY: [To DOYENNE] You’re fine. [To UPRIGHT] But even though this looks like a crude racist tirade by an elderly megalomaniac, Trump has always confounded expectations. The news about him and J.D. Vance has been terrible lately — maybe by insulting a bunch of black people Trump has managed to change the media frame.

DOYENNE: And, Bolt, you have to admit, I mean, who is Kamala Harris? Right?

UPRIGHT: The Vice-President of the United States, and before that a U.S. Senator –

DOYENNE: Yes, yes, Washington famous I grant you, but what do most Americans know about her? That she’s black. And now Trump has got us all wondering, well, is she really? [Small pause] Bolt, is something funny?

UPRIGHT: I’m sorry, I just heard that in the voice of Jiminy Glick for some reason.

DRAMATURGY: Maybe next he’ll have us wondering whether Harris is a woman.

DOYENNE: [Gasps] How clever! You know, I always thought she lacked a feminine touch but I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. Like Mrs. Obama!

UPRIGHT: Well, Buff has returned to the show after a long convalescence, and I’d like to welcome him back and ask what he makes of all this.

[UPRIGHT involuntarily steps back. TOEHOLD blinks, slowly pushes himself up in his seat, licks his lips, and speaks in a very quiet voice:]  

TOEHOLD: Well, you have to — define your opponent — because, before they define you. It’s classic, if, the opponent — as in, as in this case — now, if your opponent is a — a —

[TOEHOLD quickly takes a deep breath and starts raving — but the five-second delay catches him and removes his ravings from the audio. DOYENNE puts her fingers in her ears and DRAMATURGY studiously looks in another direction. Two beefy men in white suits run in and drag a thrashing TOEHOLD out.]

UPRIGHT: We’re all about second chances here at Received Opinion, and Buff’s had plenty. When we come back we’ll be joined by John Eastman, whose controversial opinion is that Harris is not a U.S. citizen, and Joseph Doaks, a barber from Silverback, Louisiana whose controversial opinion is that Harris is from the planet Neptune and walks among us only to harvest our earthly flesh. And now a word from Boeing!

[Wail of orchestrated pain. Camera spirals up; in the background we catch the men in white suits trying to get TOEHOLD down from a light tower he has climbed.]