GOP Goes Goon Squad

The latest action at Cruelty Point

The threats the governor floated were almost cartoonishly disconnected from one another or any coherent principle of good governance. DeSantis warned that he may crack down on the inspection of Disney theme-park rides, require pay increases for first responders, require its resorts to post notices warning about human trafficking, build more affordable housing, and perhaps use land adjacent to Disney World to build either another amusement park or a state prison.

When a reporter asked DeSantis if he planned safety inspections of rides at other Florida theme parks, he replied that only Disney would be subject to such treatment… Literally, none of this would be happening if Disney hadn’t issued a statement criticizing a DeSantis-backed law. — Jonathan Chait, “DeSantis’s Thuggish Threats Against Disney,” New York magazine

MISSOURI SENATOR JOSH HAWLEY: Thanks for joining me here in St. Louis where I have come for two reasons. First, to support the fine work Governor DeSantis is doing in Florida to address the plague of wokeness at Disney World. There was a time Americans could count on big business to protect its children from foreign ideas such as communism, labor unions, and psychiatry, but today even old Uncle Walt has turned groomer, and I for one applaud the Governor for joining the battle.

Secondly, in that spirit, I have come to serve warning to Anheuser-Busch, which has its flagship brewery in this city, that Republicans will not stand for the homosexualization of beer. Beer is for friendship, football, and fistfights, not the depravities you see in gay bars, or so I’m told, such as the bars in that Al Pacino movie — or so my staff informs me because, again, I have no contact with anything like that. I spend weekends with my family.

Every American deserves to know that when he — and I do mean he, though women may occasionally sip a light beer or two if they work as waitresses or lady detectives — when he drinks beer brewed in the heartland, a man deserves to know the men who made the beer are thinking about the National Hot Rod Association Midwest Nationals, and not Roy Paul’s Drag Race. Ru Paul, is it? See, I told you I know nothing about it.

Therefore along with the sexual background checks of Anheuser-Busch executives that are already taking place, I am warning the company that if our state government does not receive an unconditional statement of heterosexuality by Friday, we will impose a hefty tax on Clydesdales — not only real Clydesdales, but also the ones in commercials, going back in perpetuity. I have been in touch with my many intellectual property lawyer friends and, given the status of the courts today, I am confident we can make it stick.

I advise Anheuser-Busch to pay attention because, to paraphrase Governor DeSantis, if they aren’t careful some of those barrels on the Clydesdale wagon might just fall off and get smashed, know what I mean. Sorry, that last line was a question: know what I mean? Excuse me, I just broke a nail.

TEXAS GOVERNOR GREG ABBOTT: Listen here, Texas is a business-friendly state, but there’s friendly and then there’s disgusting. I know you folks think the world of HEB, and I’ve been known to shop there myself. But the fact is they got some practices that run counter to our Texas way of life.

I don’t mean anything gay like they have in every other state these days. But what they have at HEB is these Hunger Relief programs where they give away food — just give it away! To people who say they’re hungry and they can’t afford to eat.

Now first of all that’s a slur against the Lone Star. Any able-bodied person wants a job, he can get it, and if he ain’t able-bodied he can get the hell out of Texas. Look at me — I’m in a dang wheelchair, but you don’t see me asking for free food, do you? Hell no, I go to work every day. You go around making people think they can get free food just because they ask for it and you know happens? Medicaid expansion, that’s what!

So if HEB wants to steer clear of a necktie party, they’re gonna have to mend their ways. I’m giving ‘em till sundown on the Fifth. After that we start shootin’, figuratively speaking, ha ha. Another thing: Some of the boys tell me HEB doesn’t keep too close a watch on their wastage, and they let bums, hobos and sidewinders get in the trash after the stores close and take away that food, which ain’t hardly spoiled. I am deputizing a detachment of my border patrol to guard those dumpsters sundown to sunup. And if in the course of these operations some of these desperados get nicked, y’all know I’m ready to employ the power of the pardon. Hook ‘em horns!

FORMER PENNSYLVANIA GUBERNATORIAL CANDIDATE DOUG MASTRIANO: I see once again the media has boycotted and cancelcultured my press conference. And their lack of interest has had an effect. Last week I warned that when Wawa calls its coffee “sustainably sourced,” it is an attack on all Pennsylvania coffee companies who cannot afford to engage in expensive eco-nonsense and I demanded Wawa lose the label and start buying beans from these hard-scrabble entrepreneurs. Well, just today I hear that one of those companies, Let’s Kill Brandon Coffee of Bedford County, has gone under, another victim of political correctness and of a politically-motivated import refusal order by the FDA.

While I continue to seek justice for these companies, today I am also putting IKEA on notice, which I have jurisdiction to do as a Pennsylvania State Senator because their U.S. headquarters are in Conshohocken. For too long we have allowed this foreign company promote its alien values and language. Children and, sadly, many adults, walk through their stores ashamed that they can’t understand the Swedish product names or the Danish Modern-inspired style. And I have been told that for some impressionable shoppers, these products have become a gateway of curiosity to Scandinavian values beyond interior design, and led them into socialism and pornography.

I am here to warn IKEA that Pennsylvania can be a good friend or it can be a powerful enemy. We demand an end to exotic product names in Pennsylvania IKEA stores. We want to see our people proudly perusing items they can understand like, for example, a Taylor coffee table, or a Benson hutch, or a Champion panda pillow. Or even just call it a panda pillow. None of the Skiz-a-diz-phunga stuff.

I would advise IKEA to take this warning seriously, because like all my fellow Republicans I am a serious person and, like my father used to tell me, a serious person is one who is willing to do anything no matter who gets hurt. In fact I’m pretty sure I can find a judge who will issue a nationwide injunction to enforce American names in all U.S. IKEA stores.

I realize IKEA can’t change overnight, but they had better change fast. Meanwhile if IKEA started serving Pennsylvania Dutch Egg Noodles with those little meatballs, for example, I would take that as a sign of respect. Also note the address of my political action committee at the end of this video. I’m not kidding around either. This is how you do business with the new GOP.