86 Comments

You know, it does seem a bit... um... sus that all these big strong MAGA types are drinking Bud Light. I mean, it sounds a bit... you know... less serious and less manly, maybe than an alternative?

Maybe if the name were changed to Bud Jock that could amend matters.

Also, Dylan was so adorable in that Holly Golightly look.

Expand full comment

Any way you look at it, it's piss.

Expand full comment

you mean Bud is just charging us to filter their fine product?

Expand full comment

Hey, Roy, take it easy. No heavy lifting for a while!

Expand full comment

Doc says I can hit softballs

Expand full comment

Ah, so we can expect more Peggy Noonan during your recovery?

Expand full comment

DeSantis Florida Fascist Follies have moved to to approve of entities whom I loath: Disney and Anheuser Busch.

And Ron is becoming the Wile. E Coyote of politics..

I'm hoping our rerun of fascism approximates Marx's "first as tragedy, then as farce" dictum...At least we get come laughs.

Expand full comment

bud jock? sure, why not? they're all likely a bit 'light' in the jock.

Expand full comment

I get a kick out of Bud's image as a "manly" beer. My father, working class guy, called Bud a ladies' beer. He drank the real stuff - Utica Club, Genesee, Black Label.

Expand full comment

"Hey Mabel! Black Label!"

Expand full comment

It was manly in that it exercised your bladder.

But you know, 'round my way we used to call Genessee "Genny Cream Ale," which must have been the most femme beer name of the era.

Expand full comment

The Cream Ale is just one of the Genny line of products. And it's not bad these days, new ownership has upped the game.

Expand full comment

That's a genuine surprise

Expand full comment

stout fellows

Expand full comment

TAC BEER!

In, of course, a camo can. And the caps and the exclamation point are mandatory. Then they could get that putz in the khaki T-shirt to do the ads. Maybe a hand strangling George Soros on the label.

Expand full comment

Please don't give them ideas.

Expand full comment

I always figured the point of Lite beer is that you can drink twice as much and still drive home? Left unanswered is why anyone would want to drink twice as much of the stuff. Is it the opportunity to crush twice as many aluminum cans with your big, manly hands?

Expand full comment

Of course, Hawley drinks light beer because he needs to stay light on his feet in case he needs to run from a mob he instigated.

Expand full comment

Or the opportunity to spend more time at the urinal?

Expand full comment

No, no, no you can drink twice as much and still maintain your slim, trim figure. No beer gut. Dylan is perfect.

Expand full comment

Some people prefer lite beer when boating on the lake, to avoid getting either sloshed or bloated by drinking too much heavier stuff. The extra water in it helps.

Still, shouldn’t traditional Real Men be drinking nothing but shitty beer like Old Style and Schlitz? Something that tastes like it was filtered through a skunk’s britches?

Expand full comment

The Log Cabin boyfriend paired Bud Lite with cocaine: as you didn't taste it after the first one, it was perfect.

Expand full comment

"Buttwiper", as the Bleacher Bums at Wrigley Field used to refer to it back in the '70s. (They were devotees of Old Style.)

Expand full comment

LOL, do you think any of those guys could have actually told the difference in a blind taste test?

Expand full comment

Also, the Busch family owned the St. Louis Cardinals. Probably a factor.

Expand full comment

Cubs fans have many, many resentments. I can easily imagine a direct line from Bud-hatin' back to the Brock for Broglio trade.

Expand full comment

Hearted only because I always like to read about stupid trades OTHER teams make.

Expand full comment

Even back in the Hamm's days--before my time--they hated Buttwiper.

Brock-for-Broglio also had more than a little racial aspect about it. A couple of years previously the Cubs rolled out the "College of Coaches," where the coaches would rotate managing the team for three months or so. Worthies such as Lou Klein, Elvin Tappe and Vedie Himsl, all Cubs coaches, were named "head coach".

One man was never named "head coach" -- the first Black coach in Cubs history, and the man who scouted and signed Lou Brock (and Ernie Banks) -- Buck O'Neil. O'Neil was sent back to scouting, and shortly afterwards Lou Brock was traded.

Expand full comment

And the Woke St, Louis Cardinals signed Brock, no doubt because of some corporate DEI initiative or affirmative action program, choosing him over more qualified White players just to please the Woke Mob, and Brock was never heard from again .

Expand full comment

AB apologized to the assholes. Fuck 'em and their shitty beer.

Expand full comment

Most working class guys I know drink lite beer of some sort. The reason is that it’s so weak they can down an 18 pack over the course of the race, game, barbecue, whatever.

Expand full comment

But... WHY?

Expand full comment

DeSantis be onto somethin'. Why (fer a small fee), I'd show him how to combine his sorry-ass idea about a theme park (what 'theme"? Inhumanityille?) with the obvious need for more state prisons (he's on his way to criminalizing pretty much everything so he'll need the space). Prisoners work for free, or they don't eat (at least that's my play, and I think he'll go along because of course he would), so staff the theme park with 'em. There's yer 80% profit incentive right there. In fact, he could just nuke gay Disney and do the the theme park anyway.

Have his "people" call my people.

Expand full comment

and there's this:

"waitresses or lady detectives"

to give us all warm fuzzies...ROY'S BACK!

Expand full comment

My sentiments exactly!!!

Expand full comment

I'm starting to suspect that the proprietor here is visiting midwest diners, and interviewing Real Americans for their opinions, then portraying those opinions as the positions of the Great Respected Politicians in this piece.

Expand full comment

So you think his "hospital visit" was just a macguffin?

Expand full comment

I heard he was actually on a secret mission to kill Putin, the guy you see playing Putin on your TV is just a body double.

Expand full comment

Dear Sir, as a midwesterner from the Heartland™️, allow me to take you to one of our traditional diners like Sanaa’s Mediterranean Cuisine or Skogen Kitchen. There I will introduce you to Bud-drinking salt-of-the-earth people who… [man in Carharts whispers in ear] Er, let me start over.

Expand full comment

Amused, of course; too much content for these scumbags (by which I mean the entire GOP) is far from enough.

But the quote at the head of the post raises the question: Is America ready for a male POTUS who wears three inch heels?

Expand full comment

We've already had Donald Trump. He actually does wear heels. And makeup. And spends an hour on his hair. And get manicures and pedicures. Just like real working men do.

Expand full comment

And yet, the results...

Expand full comment

And drinks diet coke, that's as lite as it gets.

Expand full comment

Don’t forget the natural-looking orange makeup.

Expand full comment

Dunno that Donnie wears heels like Ronnie does. Other than that, yes, of course, you’re correct.

Expand full comment

Donnie wears "lifts."

Expand full comment

They had him at 6'3" in his fake mugshot. Of course, at least 3" was hair.

Expand full comment

"Hair"

Expand full comment

I'mo hijack the thread down below and drop it right here: "Gravitas boots"

Expand full comment

I'm not a lawyer, but if I were one of Disney's corporate lawyers, I'd be thrilled that DeSantis has decided to single out the company for special discriminatory treatment over what is very clearly free speech. Last time I looked, "selective enforcement" was still illegal. Passing laws to specifically penalize one person or entity is also illegal.

And, of course, trying to damage the state's largest employer and one of its biggest tourist draws is just nuts. But I guess Florida Man don't care about actual governance when there's libs to be owned.

Meanwhile, the rest of the GOP is now in a headlong race to see which wildly unpopular policies they can showcase and implement. They'll be down to the rump 27% crazy vote in just a couple of years.

Expand full comment

"Florida Man don't care about actual governance when there's libs to be owned."

This fancy-pants word, "governance" raises alarm bells because it's suspiciously close to "government" and we all know THAT'S evil.

Meanwhile, Florida and the rest of the gulf coast are seeing world-record sea level rise to the point where Miami regularly floods, and stronger hurricanes have pushed home insurance rates into the stratosphere. Are these problems? Should we do something about them? Hey, look, Goofy's carryin' a rainbow flag!

Expand full comment

Soon, homeowner insurance in Florida will be very affordable because THERE WON'T BE ANY COMPANIES WILLING TO INSURE HOMES IN FLORIDA!

I take that back. There will be plenty of such companies, but they will be state-sponsored grifting operations. Pay your $2000/month premium, but expect to have all claims denied and your policy canceled should anything happen.

Expand full comment

Don't live there, thank God, but I wonder if this was an issue in DeSantis' recent landslide election? If not, does anyone know what issues did come up in the campaign? What did Charlie Crist talk about, if anything?

Expand full comment

Crist is a zombie politician. He's been dead for more than a decade, but keeps eating the brains of Democratic consultants. You have to wonder just how many times and in how many ways Florida's voters have to reject Crist before Democrats stop running him?

DeSantis, of course, ran on all those great red-meat issues for all the great Red meatheads. For an awful lot of awful people, just promising to make someone else's life worse is more than enough to merit devotion.

Expand full comment

Ah, Democratic consultants. After Judge Janet's recent 11-point win in the Wisconsin Supreme Court race, it occurred to me that her being a candidate for Supreme Court meant she couldn't run on "jobs, jobs, jobs" which did free her up to talk about something else, and that something else turned out to be a winning issue. But never mind, we could all have three jobs and Democrats in Wisconsin would still run every damn campaign on "jobs, jobs, jobs."

James Carville said "It's the economy, stupid" THIRTY FUCKING YEARS AGO and they haven't allowed a single other idea to enter their brainpans since then. "It won for Bill Clinton, and it'll win for YOU TOO!"

Expand full comment

"Kitchen table issues" is what all the hot consultants call it. When you start pressing them on what that means, it quickly degenerates into babbling about jobs-n-healthcare as just broad-brush nonsense.

Expand full comment

Up north here, she ran ads about being a former prosecutor and how fair a judge she is, plus cops saying Kelly’s ad were lies. Nary a word about abortion or gerrymandering. Very smart, good work; save that stuff for the southern half of the state and don’t get the rednecks up here riled up.

Expand full comment

“Pay your $2000/month premium, but expect to have all claims denied and your policy canceled should anything happen”

So, like health insurance then?

Expand full comment

Another grade-A banger, Roy. The Cruelty is the Profit Point – grift, grift, grift.

Going after Disney, beer, supermarkets, a popular furniture chain. Republicans truly have their fingers on the pulse of what normies want from their politicians.

Even if he goes all in and tries to one-up Trump by shooting someone on Main Street USA at Disneyworld, I maintain DeSantis would be a goddamn fool to run in 2024, Trump will first flay and then beat him. And after all, Ron is only 44 years old! Every sane advisor should be telling him to keep his powder dry for 2028. Mind you, the way he’s prematurely aging he may look like the Crypt Keeper by then. Which could give him the gravitas he’s been lacking, LOL. But there’s no conceivable remedy for his lack of charisma.

Expand full comment

If looking dead imparts gravitas, then yeah, bring it on.

Expand full comment

Actually being dead imparts even more gravitas. Just sayin'.

Expand full comment

Well, it worked for Lincoln, MLK Jr., and JFKs (both Sr. and Jr.) all of whom they hated while alive.

Expand full comment

on the other hand, I'm hearing a lot of good things about frederick Douglass.

Expand full comment

Nothing America loves more than a dead civil-rights leader.

Expand full comment

Heartened for the troof, replied for the OOF!

Expand full comment

Ol' Puddin' Fingers going all-in on beating up on a beloved American institution like The Mouse? Can't see that going horribly wrong for him.

Expand full comment

"Skiz-a-diz-phunga"

Jesus Roy , I'll tell you what- good thing you're the one writing this - why, if you were reading it , in your condition, you might could bust a gut laughing.

Expand full comment

“Oof gehoofen tooten”

Expand full comment

DeSantis is about to jump on the macho beer bandwagon and issue an executive order for mandatory genital inspection prior to purchase or consumption. The CEOs of Hooters and several Florida "breastaurants" are already on board.

Expand full comment

2 marks for "breastaurants", but

Oof.

Expand full comment

First lol of the morning "— and I do mean he, though women may occasionally sip a light beer or two if they work as waitresses or lady detectives —" Welcome back, Roy.

Expand full comment

Ah. So that’s why I don’t recall seeing him in heels.

Expand full comment

Ordinarily, this reference would be cruel and unusual, but the subject of Greg Abbott frequently gets me to wondering, "where's Tommy Udo when you really need him?" https://youtu.be/3oesSyvh76g

Expand full comment

PS: IKEA's American HQ is in Conshohocken? Well, the Swedes did beat Billy Penn to Philly, so there's that.

Expand full comment

Wingers announce their Contract On America.

Expand full comment

Michel Doukeris, Brazilian CEO of AB InBev, parent company of Anheuser Busch, invited Senator Hawley to visit his office in Belgium to discuss his company’s policies. During his talk with reporters he called Hawley a “punheta,” exclaimed “porra nehuma” to Hawley’s proposal, and finished by saying, “nem fodemdo that xoxota is gonna tell me what to do, olho do cu!”

Expand full comment

MASTRIANO: "And what I said about Wawa goes double for Sheetz. Take that, ya coffee drinkin' Yinzers."

Expand full comment

I kinda like the prison idea. Makes the contrast clearer, you know? On one side of the highway there's Blue World, which is all friendly and welcoming (providing you've got the money to pay to get in, of course) on the other side is Red World, which is a fucking prison.

Expand full comment

Anybody who tries to escape from Red World to Blue World gets shot on sight, you know, like a woman seeking an abortion.

Expand full comment

I watched a little--mere seconds--of De Santis' press conference, and all I could think of was that he and Ben Shapiro would make a fine nerdy-chipmunk Batman and Robin.

Expand full comment