GOP on crusade
As Henry IV said, Washington is worth a mishegas
[Medium-close focus on a lit stage with lectern; signs intrude, reading DEATH TO DHIMMITUDE, MUHAMMED SUX, THIS WE’LL DEFEND with a picture of a crucifix, etc. War whoops as Iowa Congressman STEVE KING takes the stage, which repeat with applause during the speeches.]
KING: OK, let’s get this thing started. You all know why we’re here. The Democrats have become the party of anti-Semitism. That’s right. Not only do they have a Congresswoman who wears a hijab, but they have allowed her, no, they have encouraged her to say the most disgusting things about Judaism. They say Judaism is racist. They say Judaism is militaristic. And they say that we shouldn’t send Judaism $3 billion a year in foreign aid, and that we should never have moved our embassy in Judaism from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem! This is what my Jewish friends — and by that I mean Bill Kristol, John Podhoretz and Sheldon Adelson — call blood libel! Speaking of blood libel, here’s a man who is suffering from it at the hands of the very anti-Semitic Attorney General of Judaism — put your hands together for the prime minister of Judaism, Bibi “Ben” Netanyahu!
NETANYAHU: Thank you! Thank you all! I can’t stay, I’ve got a campaign to run — I only came to the States because no one will have dinner with Alan Dershowitz so I thought I’d keep him company, ha ha! Seriously, he’s been a big help, and he even got Jeffrey Epstein to fly me in and out of the States. I just want you to thank you all for your support, and to let you know that we’re going to win this thing, and I wish you the best of luck with whatever it is you’re doing here. Make America Great Again!
KING: How about that! Big hand for Bibi! Okay, here’s a patriot who’s got something to say about the anti-Semitic Democrats — chairman of the Ferret County, Mississippi Republican Committee and a man with a future in our great party, Mr. Ivan Hitler!
HITLER: Thank you, Mr. Cong’essman. Mah friends, the situation is grave. America is under attack by the Muslins. This so-call Cong’esswoman, Ms. IL-han OH-mar, ain’t just a anti-Semite Muslin. She also married her own blood kin, and has reg’lar les-BEIN sex with that other anti-Semite Muslin, so-call Cong’esswoman RAH-shida TEA-lab! The evidence is all in mah pamphlet, “MO-hammed was a Chile Rapist,” which mah younguns is handin’ out amongst you. Ah tell you, folks, if’n we don’ do somethin’ ‘bout these here Muslins, they is a-gonna DE-stroy this country with po-litical c’rectnis and gay weddin’ cake. In fack, I reckon this gettin’ rid o’ Muslins is so important, ah come all the way up here today to defend the Jews, ‘stead o’ blamin’ ‘em fo’ killin’ Jesus like usual.
KING: Thank you, Mr. Hitler. And I want to say it's very brave of you to come out and speak your mind like this, knowing politically correct liberals would say mean things about your last name, which you can’t help at all.
HITLER: Well let me tell you, Mr. Cong’essman, when I give mahself this name I knew some people wasn’t gonna like it.
KING: I should take this opportunity to tell you folks, you don’t have to like everything about Jews to join us in denouncing anti-Semitic Democrats today. You just have to keep your mouth shut about it. Our party is a big tent. A lot of my buddies down at the klavern say some things about Jews that’d curl your hair. But remember: Jews are white, most of them, the good ones, and the nation of Judaism is providing us with the launch pad for Armageddon. Now to close the evening, here’s a close personal friend of us all, put your hands together for Ms. Pam Geller.
GELLER: SKREEEEEEE. SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. SKREEEEE. SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. SKREEEEEEEEE. SKREE. SKREEEEEEEEEEEEE. [Her jaw unhinges, her skull falls back, and her neck emits green gas as the crowd roars. Finis.]