Gramps gets the hard sell

Another rightwing grifter squeezes one out

Normally when I do a “Hardcore” post — which, regulars will recall, is about those ragebait emails that scammers send to your senile relatives to drive them to rightwing garbage sites — it’s a roundup, but I found one last weekend that I think will serve as a stand-alone.

There is this thing called “Deplorable Daily” that’s been showing up in my inbox. Their style is tediously familiar: a little wingnut haiku up top, and links to stories with pro-forma hooks like “Democrats are frantic after they discovered this painful political reality about Donald Trump” and “Kayleigh McEnany destroyed John Fetterman with one brutal truth bomb.”

This has apparently been sufficiently successful that they’ve been able to draw sponsors who’ll rent the DD aegis for their own online sales pitches, and I got one such with a gif of soldiers raiding a house — could be in Somalia, could be a training exercise, but your Aged Parent’s meant to think it could be happening to one of his white neighbors — and this dire monologue:

Picture this.

The emergency alarms are blaring.

One of Biden’s cronies busts into your house.

Forces you to lead him to your stockpile.

Then he loads everything you worked so hard for into his bag.

And starts handing it round your neighborhood.

Meaning snowflakes who said a disaster “wouldn’t happen”.

Suddenly have THEIR grubby mitts on YOUR stockpile.

My what now?

Sounds like a bad dream.

Or a scene from communist Russia

But

Thanks to Executive Order 13603 – which the Dems recently signed into effect – that “bad dream” is the reality in America this very second.

Yep.

The gov’t has the right to seize and re-distribute YOUR food, water and other resources.

But I don’t have a “stockpile” of food and water – oh, right, I forgot: I’m not nuts.

They seem to be talking about a 2012 Obama EO — in the Hardcore universe, “recently” can stretch back decades; time flies when you’re decompensating — that stipulates cabinet-level “Priorities and Allocations” during national emergencies. This seems like a good idea to us normies, but to prepper loons it’s just more Jade Helms Soros Argh Blargh Tyranny.

Luckily.

One survival expert has revealed a 30-second “stockpile hack” that BLOCKS the gov’t from getting their hands on your gear.

I wouldn’t wait to watch his short video though.

I can’t imagine it'll stay online for long.

I clicked through — which I don’t recommend but in the interest of fairness here’s the link: yourfoodfortress.com. Please note that you can’t pause the video – you can only forward or reverse it ten seconds at a time — but your Aged P’s not gonna want to stop it, anyway, after Teddy Daniels, “a combat veteran, an citizen reporter, and a private investigator” with a cowboy hat and a loud, phlegmy bellow (I kept expecting him to yell DO THE HAMMERLOCK, YOU TURKEYNECKS!) hits them with sinister music, quick clips of war, riots, and Tucker Carlson purporting “food processing plants all over the country seem to be catching fire!” and Fox News talking about Chinese investors buying up land in the U.S. breadbasket. “DO NOT CLICK AWAY FROM IT!” hollers Daniels, and Aged P says sir, yes, sir!

Thanks to the malfeasance of liberals and ChiComs, Daniels says, there’s not only “indisputable evidence” that “the greatest food shortage in our nation’s history” is coming, but also “a deadly domino effect of mass panic, bloody brawls in breadlines, [and] a full government shutdown” that will “ultimately starve America into submission.” (The grim music and grainy, violent stock clips help pummel home the paranoiac point.)

We are “officially past the point of no return,” Daniels says, which students of the hard sell know means you have to act fast before it’s really too late.  Besides, if you keep watching, Daniels promises to tell you about “a Chinese spy, with direct ties to Joe Biden, operating inside our government as we speak.”

But first the pitch, or rather the pre-pitch: “the only thing you can do to keep your family safe and well-fed once this catastrophe strikes,” Daniels promises, is clear out a closet and get “three feet of copper wire.” Not only will it protect you — “when the woke liberals who let this happen are begging for your help,” he sneers, “you can slam the door right in their face, because you were the one smart enough to properly prepare.”

You mean I’ll survive the holocaust — and get to say eff you to my ungrateful woke grandchildren? Mildred, get my checkbook!

Daniels predicts he will be murdered by the Deep State for telling you about this, so you better “put aside whatever else you’re doing” and get your survival closet ready.

The video goes on a looooong time. We get more Teddy Daniels bio details — cop, serviceman, Iraq War cable TV soldier-star-for-a-minute who claims he “didn’t love the attention” but nonetheless tried to run for Congress on the strength of it. He didn’t win, because “the establishment politicians didn’t think they’d be able to control me” and used “sleazy, Gestapo, fascist tactics” to cause him to come up “a hair short” in the election.

(Daniels, it should be noted, has run unsuccessfully for Republican nominations for Congress and Lieutenant Governor in Pennsylvania, drawing most of his attention for insane commercials in which he mouths off to cocktail-party RINOs, says “something needs to be done about it,” and then shows himself and his buddies blowing up firing range targets, hint hint.)

Since the Aged P stuck around for this self-aggrandizement, Daniels rewards him with the name of the Chinese Spy — New York Democratic Congresswoman Grace Meng. Daniels pronounces her last name with a Trumpian chop-suey accent and shows her alongside Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, another exotic rightwing hate/rape-fantasy object. See, Meng single-handedly stopped HR 7892, a bill that would have prohibited land sales to Chinese nationals, at the behest of her ChiCom masters. (How she did this without any committee chairmanships is mysterious, or should I say inscrutable.)

Then Daniels starts yelling about how Deuteronomy and Leviticus prophesied the food shortage he swears is on the way. And it’s not just commie Congresswomen and the Chinese you have to worry about — there’s also prepper-food competitors who sell inferior products.

“You need to stockpile a tremendous amount of food that never goes bad,” says Daniels, but even patriotic capitalists are cheating their customers with low-calorie foods and “leaky packaging.” (He also suggests they’re mobbed up with the commies.) Now, if you’ve been around you can guess what’s next: Teddy Daniels’ endorsement of prepper rations vendor Famine Fighter. “One of hundreds of companies, only one stood out from the rest,” he says. They’re not only making good food (Daniels does a chef’s kiss) but they’re also “fully aware of the catastrophic food shortage on our horizon.” And they use “state of the art patented double-oxygen-shield technology” and food from farms which “we confirmed are not secretly controlled by Chinese operatives — something which, I’m pretty sure, the other survival companies didn’t do.”

Here’s where the pitch really get intense: GIVE ME FOOD FIGHTER! buttons pop up on the screen while Daniels lays it on thick: Your choice is “waiting in government-controlled breadlines hoping to get some measly ration that barely fills your stomach,” or eating delicious Famine Fighter Mac ‘n’ Cheese — only available at this web site and “if you delay and we run out of stock you can put you and your family in a bad position when the final famine strikes.”

The kits run into four figures.  “I know this may seem like a big investment,” says Daniels, but “when you see what’s on the line… you need to ask yourself one question: How much is my family’s safety really worth?”

Maybe the Aged P is vacillating. Everything the veteran yells makes sense — everyone is against him, everything is going to hell, he’d rather die in a closet full of mac ‘n’ cheese than stand in a government line. But look at the price! And they don’t even have samples like at Costco that he can try!  

That’s when Daniels hits the Aged P with the bonus: A free book by Teddy Daniels called — I am not making this up — “Final Famine: How to Keep Your Family Fat and Happy While The World Starves.” (Kinda the actual American Dream, isn’t it?) And in the book he talks about the empty closet and “electroponics” that can turn “dirty water into crystal-clear drinking water” using just “a bucket, garden hose, and this odd-looking device from your local hardware store.”

Maybe this is what the copper wire is for! thinks the Aged P. I have to get that book — but the only way to do it is to spend $1,499 on buckets of chow! Oh, shoot, it was only gonna go to those rotten kids when I croaked anyway.

The website flashes: “Emergency Update 9/24/23: Stock is running extremely low! Please DO NOT order more than your family needs (So other patriots can get their hands on Famine Fighter before it’s too late).” Gasp, it’s worse than Aged P thought! Daniels comes back on the line: “You’re still here? I mean seriously, folks, if you’re still on the fence about this investment, I’m starting to worry about you… but I’m gonna try one last time to help you see the light before it’s too late…”

Across America adult children of Fox News addled shut-ins are yelling at pop-pop, asking what the $1,499 charge is why it’s recurring. But the Aged P, having once again has “lost” his hearing aid, just beams at their angry faces, and dreams of slamming the door of his survival closet in them.