Happy Go Lucky

Don't let it bring you down

As the presidential election fast approaches, the Department of Health and Human Services is bidding out a more than $250 million contract to a communications firm as it seeks to “defeat despair and inspire hope” about the coronavirus pandemic, according to an internal HHS document obtained by POLITICO...

The document also lists the goals of the contract: “defeat despair and inspire hope, sharing best practices for businesses to operate in the new normal and instill confidence to return to work and restart the economy,” build a “coalition of spokespeople” around the country, provide important public health, therapeutic and vaccine information as the country reopens and give Americans information on the phases of reopening.

“By harnessing the power of traditional, digital and social media, the sports and entertainment industries, public health associations, and other creative partners to deliver important public health and economic information the administration can defeat despair, inspire hope and achieve national recovery,” the document also says.

Hi! I’m here to pump (claps) you up.

[Laughs]

No, I’m not Arnold Schwarzenegger — not with this body! I’m Health and Human Resources Secretary Alex Azar.

Arnold refused to take part in this campaign, and so did many other celebrities that we hoped would join us for this series of COVIDeos that we’re showing in movie theaters, nightclubs, gyms, gun ranges, bowling alleys, and other places patriotic citizens are gathering after a long, frustrating lockdown.

Arnold’s not a bad guy, but he doesn’t understand how much people like you and I need for this thing to be over. He’s from Hollywood and the world of politics. That’s an elitist double whammy!

Sure, I’m in President Trump's cabinet, but before that I was the president of a major pharmaceutical company and a drug lobbyist. So like you I know what it’s like to work for a living. And like you I know what it’s like to struggle. You try running a drug company under the Obama Administration!

I know times have been hard, but now times are also herd — as in herd immunity. Because the more coronavirus cases you read about in the liberal media, the closer we are to reaching the magic threshold where so many people have had COVID-19 that, by a complicated immunological process we don’t want to spend a lot of time explaining, Americans suddenly become more or less immune — at least the young, strong, and healthy do.

And that means you! Because if you’re out in one of those places I mentioned, well, you clearly have the gumption and American can-do spirit that scientists say is what it takes to fight off the COVID-19 infection — or, if it gets through, to survive it and become immune.

That's right — immune! If you’re one of the millions of Americans who’ve had coronavirus and survived, that means your bloodstream is coursing with antibodies and you can never get COVID-19 again.

Think how that must feel — to be immune to the disease that kept America down for so long! You’re probably thinking, wow — it must be great to feel so free after having to cower for so long!

Well, I’ll tell you something: I’ve survived COVID-19 myself — and I feel great! In fact I infected my whole family — and after a few days in the ICU, they tell me they’ve never felt better in their lives! All except Grandma Azar, God rest her soul. But she had a good long life.

So if you’re out on the town tonight and you feel like pulling your mask down to drink a Pina Colada or eat a burger or make out with a handsome stranger — don’t listen to the liberal media or Arnold Schwarzenegger or anyone else who wants to keep you depressed and in despair. Like Janis Ian said, Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose — and, like Mick Jagger said, it’s just a kiss away!

Well, I’ve got to get back to work. I hope you enjoyed this COVIDeo — and if you didn’t, listen, things could be worse — in some neighborhoods they’re showing a COVIDeo that stars Ben Carson!