Hearts and Memes

A seasoned political reporter on Aghanistan

BBC.

The comments I have received on my recent column, “Joe Biden is the Worst Mass Murderer Since Gerald Ford,” were not what I had a right to expect. Some arrogant leftists questioned my devotion to the cause of the plight of the Afghan people because I had not written a column on it since 2005 (“Stay the course, the troops’ll be home for Christmas” – New York Times).

But I’ll have these people know I have been thinking very intensely about the situation over the 20 years of our noble humanitarian effort, which contrary to popular belief and what George W. Bush said in some unguarded moments (he is, let’s face it, a hopeless dry drunk) was not meant to turn Afghanistan into a democracy, which certainly would have been overreach, but into a state that is occupied by us and has a government which, while nominally its own, is actually controlled by our military, and from which our contractors occasionally take money. (This is a concept that I’m not sure there’s a word in English for and I invite readers to send in their suggestions. Selected entrants will get a grip-and-grin with this columnist in the paper edition!)

But Joe Biden spoiled it all by shamefully removing our soldiers from Afghanistan, leaving the nation in the hands of the Taliban. Armchair pacifists who say former President Trump bragged about ending the occupation, signed a treaty with the Taliban, and even got the Taliban guy who now runs the country out of prison, forget that at least Trump kept us in Afghanistan, which is the important thing, and was out of office before the ugly photo opportunities ensued, which shows true statesmanship.

Like many other concerned citizens of some political sophistication, I have called for Biden to be immediately removed from office and replaced by someone who will put us back into Afghanistan; but alas, gridlock on Capitol Hill prevents this. So I call upon Congress to put into effect the following policies that, in the absence of re-occupation, will help to restore America’s standing in the world that Biden has tragically damaged:

The New Hunt for Saddam. My sources tell me that after he was executed in 2006, the body of Saddam Hussein was frozen and stored in an Army facility. After it has been treated to prevent decomposition, we can hide this body somewhere in Iraq and offer a large sum of money (it needn’t be too large — the country is very poor) to whoever can find it. We may choose to stow it in a “spider hole” near a small village, so that an inspirational poor-Iraqi-makes-good story may ensue; but we may opt instead to hide it in the offices of one of the many Western oil companies in Iraq, to remind people of the benefits of American foreign policy.

Re-Vietnamization. Vietnam has gotten pretty goddamn cocky since we shamefully bugged out in 1975, building a strong economy and even getting into crypto. It’s time we went back and settled the score. If the federal government won’t pay for an invasion, the private sector can raise money for one, via sales of ancillary products like t-shirts, video games, officer commissions, etc.; Erik Prince tells me he’ll give us a good rate on an expeditionary force, and I have it on good authority that Sly Stallone and the “Rambo” trademark are available for promo.

9/11/2.0. Any Washington columnist worth his salt has a template ready for the next big terrorist attack — actually it’s rather like the “Mad Libs” game you may have played in your youth — and my high-placed sources have sent me some intriguing fill-in-the-blanks which, they assure me, are based on genuine U.S. mil and diplo chatter.  All I can say is, all the articles about America being less safe after Biden’s withdrawal have set this up beautifully, and when whatever terrorist — I am speaking of course of Arab rather than white terrorists — blows up whatever building(s), Iran will be on the hot seat and Biden will have no choice but to flick the switch. If 9/11/1.0 is any precedent, it may finally achieve his stated goal of bringing the country together! (Just kidding — we’ll make sure it doesn’t.)