His greatest performance

Tubby before the bar

Public domain.

Former President Trump intends to personally deliver part of the defense's closing argument at the conclusion of his civil fraud trial in New York on Thursday, sources familiar with the former president’s strategy tell ABC News. – report

[A room resembling a film set for a courtroom drama. While the seedy pseudo-Secret-Service we usually see at his Mar-a-Lago Throne Room skulk in the surrounding darkness, DONALD TRUMP, dressed in his public-appearance suit, wanders around in front of the bench, swinging his arms.]

TRUMP: I’m used to bigger crowds. Outta all the problems with this trial this could be one of the biggest. No jury. No cameras to show the world how they crucify me here. Just a girl drawing pictures that make me look fat.

It’s like with that great American who tried to do right in the civil war. A great man on Harper’s Ferry, sailing into destiny. Jim Brown. Downtown Jimmy Brown. Who said, ask not what you can do for your country. He said so many great things, did great things. But they gave him the chair. Which in those days was gas operated. And now they want to take away our beautiful gas ovens.

It doesn’t matter what you say, the people know different. Doesn’t matter how you lie to them, all the phony evidence and people I never heard of as witnesses. This rotten thing you do to me, they’re all gonna know, and they will act.

Some people are gonna say that’s a threat. But what threat? I just say what other people do. I’m a lover, not a fighter. In fact the only thing they ever got me on was getting too romantic with this Jean Carroll broad. And that wasn’t even true, but they got me because everyone knows I’m a ladies man. And the ladies love it, most of them. Call me sweet Donald. It’s a fact. Gonna take a glass of water like on TV.

[TRUMP goes to one of the tables and drinks from a Diet Coke can, then goes back to his waddling.]

But that doesn’t matter to you people. You make me out a thief because I try to make a buck. Which I followed the rules, all the rules, it’s in the evidence which you never looked at.

And at that other thing they say insurrection. You think we’d be sitting here if I wanted insurrection? If I wanted I’d be in the White House right now making everything great, not this garbage we got, with crime and Mexicans and doors falling out of the sky. You’ll know when it’s insurrection. Plus it’s double jeopardy so I’m immune.

Speaking of jeopardy here’s the Daily Double. I never watched the show, I believe that’s the biggest Jeopardy, or maybe Final. But speaking of jeopardy, I may be, you may think I’m the one in jeopardy with this guy who says I’m guilty, a judge, so called, and this other one and the other one and so on.

But this is nothing compared to your jeopardies. To the jeopardies that you’ll have to answer, like where they write on the screen and wager it all. Like Art Fleming. Who is so and so? Guilty or not guilty? And you better have the right answer. Because you wagered it all.

Because lemme tell you, there’s the appeal and there’s the continuance and the habeus corpus ipso facto yakkety yakkety yak.  But while we do this song and dance, a year, not even a year, less, I take the oath of office again. And somebody treats me like a schmo, then? Says I’m guilty of, of crimes? I don’t come down and explain myself. I have the army and the navy and everything else, and no finks stopping me like last time.

You’re gonna say that’s a threat too, like everything else. Well, can’t please everybody. I don’t say revenge. It’s history, history will revenge me, like that guy said, I got nothing to do with it. So lemme finish up here, it’s a far, far better thing I do than anyone else ever did before, believe me, and you should get smart and get with the program ‘cause the clock is ticking, OK? Tick tock. Which we’re going to take care of by the way. Thank you.

[TRUMP goes to sit down, but hops up.]

And make America great again.

[TRUMP sits, sips his Diet Coke. Pause. To the darkness:]

I think it’s better when I swear.

VOICE FROM DARKNESS: When you take the drink, sir, just take it, don’t say that you’re taking it.

TRUMP: I’m gonna just drink and not say anything about it.

VOICE: Yes, sir.