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From a thought balloon over Trump's head


[From a thought balloon over Trump’s head:

ABRAHAM LINCOLN in traditional garb and stovepipe hat comes to the front door of ROBERT E. LEE’s mansion. LINCOLN goes in and removes his hat. LEE, wearing a Confederate uniform, is standing at a table looking at a big map and putting pins in it. Out the window we can see Confederate soldiers raising the Confederate flag.]

LINCOLN: How are you General Lee?

[They shake hands.]

LEE: This is a very great honor Mr. President.

LINCOLN: I have come to ask you to be the top Union general in the Civil War. The job comes with ten million dollars and your own stagecoach and a mansion ten times as big as this one. After the war you can make it into a hotel.

LEE: I am sorry, Mr. President, but I love my Virginny too much.

LINCOLN: I too am sorry because if you and I banded together, we could beat the South in one day. Then we could conquer Mexico in a day and then Canada in a day and in a week to ten days we would rule the world like Alexander the Graham Bell.

LEE: Sadly now we must kill thousands of Americans for four years. But I love my Virginny and can do no other.

LINCOLN: OK General Lee I will see you on the battlefield, may the best man win.

[LINCOLN puts on his hat and leaves. LEE shakes his head sadly and returns to his map. CUT TO a bunch of Union soldiers all bandaged like Beetle Bailey after the Sarge beats him up, and LINCOLN dressed as before standing with U.S. GRANT who wears his Union uniform and swills from a bottle of Old Crow.]

LINCOLN: Lee is too good! We are losing the Civil War. I better call Lee and tell him he won.

GRANT: There is still a chance Mr. President. I will trick Lee into fighting me in Gettysburg.

LINCOLN: Never heard of it.

GRANT: I know it like the back of my hand so I can get him to trip on some rocks and fall so I will beat him and win Gettysburg and according to the rules that means we win the Civil War.

LINCOLN: I better write a famous address for Gettysburg.

GRANT: I am sure you will do a good job.

[CUT TO LEE sitting in his map room smoking a pipe and sighing. Out the window we can see Union troops taking down the Confederate flag. A YOUNG CONFEDERATE LIEUTENANT comes in and salutes him.]

LIEUTENANT: General Lee sir I don’t like them Yankees nohow.

LEE: No. You must tell all the troops not to be bitter and to be good to the Yankees and to all men.

LIEUTENANT: Sir does that mean the colored too?

LEE: Yes but not too good or they’ll get uppity and tear down my statue.


2nd LIEUTENANT: General Lee sir President Lincoln has been shot by a member of the entertainment industry!

LEE: [Brushing away a manly tear] Now we have to be extra nice to the Yankees.

BOTH LIEUTENANTS: If you say so General Lee.

[CUT TO an old-fashioned montage of calendar pages flying away, ending with the super AFGHANISTAN 2021. CUT TO some American officers standing in what looks like a bomb crater. They present as men but they all wear lipstick and earrings.]

AN OFFICER: OK girls let’s go surrender to the Taliban.

ANOTHER OFFICER: Make sure they use our correct pronouns!

[Suddenly a ghostly LEE and ghostly Confederate troops ride in on ghostly horses.]

AN OFFICER: Who are you!

LEE: I am the ghost of Robert E. Lee and these are my men. I hereby inform you that Trump is the rightful president and you are relieved of command.

[LEE draws his sword and cuts off the OFFICER’S head. The other OFFICERS scream and flee. LEE and his troops ride out and quickly kill all the Taliban to the cheers of the Afghans. While his men and the Afghan women dance to rap music in the background LEE gets on a World War II field telephone and makes a call.]

Hello Mr. President Trump we have beat the Taliban and now I trust you will hold up your side of the bargain.

[CUT TO TRUMP on his phone in the Oval Office. Out the window we can see Proud Boys raising the Confederate flag.]

TRUMP: Yes General Lee I have ordered your statue put back together and we will bring it to Washington and put it up where the colored have to look at it all the time.

LEE [on phone]: When I lost the Civil War I never thought I would see this day. God bless you President Trump!

TRUMP: And just in time for September 11. Be sure and tune in on nine-eleven at 8:30 pm Eastern time when me and Donald Junior will host the Holyfield-Belfort fight at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel in Hollywood, Florida. It’ll be great — just like America! Go to Trump.com for special package deals.

[As the drugs kick in the vision fades to darkness.]