I Claim My Right To Express My Mainstream Conservative Opinion in the New York Times
By Hiram Galligash, Punkin County (S.C.) Tax Assessor
© 2019 Becker1999 (Paul and Cathy), used under a Creative Commons license
For too long Constitutional Christian conservatives such as myself and my church and my family have been censored by the social justice warrior brats who work at this disgusting liberal paper in which my op-ed now appears. But these totalitarians finally went too far when they tried to retroactively censor Senator Tom Cotton for saying what most Americans are thinking: That they would love to see our wonderful, brave, patriotic soldiers (and whoever those wonderful brave boys in the unmarked uniforms are) aim their guns and bayonets and rocket launchers at those long-haired protesting punks with their skateboards and their orgies and their weed who go poo poo and pee pee all over my country’s values.
I would also say that Senator Cotton also believes, but did not dare to say because of political correctness, that it would be even better if those soldiers fired those guns and rocket launchers and stuck those bayonets into those funny-boys and he-shes a-hootin’ and a-hollerin’ on the streets of our beloved President’s home, blowing and cutting them to pieces and letting their guts rain on the ground, and that most Americans would agree with me.
And when I say “most Americans” believe this or that, I don’t mean it in strictly numerical terms, like that snotty fact-checker nose-ringed bitch tried to “gotcha” me about. I mean this is what I as a Constitutional Christian conservative believe, and what I believe does not have to conform with your stupid liberal bookworm so-called “facts” — it just has to be something I, as a person whose views have been too long excluded by this god-damned race-mongrelizing Messenger of Satan so-called “news”-paper, truly and sincerely believe. And since I as a Constitutional Christian conservative believe that only Constitutional Christian conservative opinions are genuine American opinions, that makes my opinions majority mainstream opinions, prima facie and ipso facto. (There! It’s not just you college snots who can talk foreign languages.)
I guess you egghead sissies know that most Republicans believe coloreds and colored-lover whites are prejudiced against white people. Yet no one at this devil’s excrement stain publication will speak up for the white race. Well, Bret Stephens a little bit, but considering it’s what my people believe, and as I said only my people’s opinions count, it’s a disgrace that a paper as prestigious as the New York Times (notwithstanding it's an evil liberal rag no Christian could respect) makes so little room for this mainstream Constitutional Christian conservative belief.
So I am grateful for the few sane and patriotic members of the New York Times like Bari Weiss, despite her being a Jew, who sent some of their people who used go around interviewing Trump supporters in diners to find Constitutional Christian conservatives to write their opinions down for the limp-wristed latte drinkers who read this so-called “news”-paper in their graffiti-ridden subways on their ways to la-de-dah jobs where they make millions of dollars while people like me can barely afford our rented Beamers and gated community fees even though we homeschool the kids which goes to show you Soros runs everything and JFK Jr. is still alive.
I am proud that I was chosen from among so many Constitutional Christian conservatives, when my only previous journalism experience was writing letters to Rod Dreher, to tell you sinful, ignorant people the truth, though I would be remiss if I did not mention that some of the words I wanted to use in this op-ed were still censored or watered down and they said it was for my own good though I know it is because they are a bunch of you-know-whats who want to protect their powerful you-know-what friends in the you-know-what mafia. Rest assured I will get my Constitutional Christian conservative friends to make a fuss and I expect in due course you will get my Constitutional Christian conservative majority opinions without any pale pastels. Hasta la vista, you gutless liberal fancy-pants scum!