Introducing The Bulshit
A prospectus for a middle-center-rightleft magazine
In these times, to be a principled man of the Right — and by “man” we mean women as well as men, and trans people, though we don’t admit the men are really women or vice versa, and this has to do with principle not prejudice, and by “the Right” we mean those on the sensible center-right, which is more right than center but since in our view the right is really the center so it’s actually the true right, oh fudge, you know what we mean — is fraught with peril.
The true conservative finds him or herself, when he or she goes among people who are not conservative, lumped in (to his or her embarrassment) with Donald Trump, merely because the true conservative happens to agree with the President on immigration, health care, military preparedness, civil rights, gay rights, religious freedom amendments, abortion, entitlement spending, Title IX, the Jerusalem embassy, Iran, work requirements for welfare, and above all his wonderful, wonderful Supreme Court justices.
You’d think these people — who all went to good schools and have important, high-paying jobs or else we never would associate with them — would be more perceptive and sympathetic. We certain try to tell them that we are not supporters of Trump, and that he is no true conservative. Look at his foreign policy, we say. Why, George W. Bush — though no true conservative either — had by this point in his presidency invaded one country and was preparing to invade another. All Trump has done is bomb Syria — even Obama did that! — and sell arms to the Saudis to bomb Yemen. Trump has, to his credit, hired psychopaths to advise him on foreign policy, and talks tough, but Iran remains unreduced to rubble.
But mostly what we find unacceptable about Trump, and what embarrasses us the most when he is associated with us, is his behavior — his crudeness, his venality, his brain-damage-victim demeanor. We were willing to overlook it with Scott Walker, but one has to draw the line somewhere.
Also we don't like tariffs.
We of The Bulshit are here to restore the good name of conservatism. Not for us the mindless, boosterish songs of praise for the President favored by the “conservative” magazines that fired us. In the debut issue of The Bulshit, we strike out with bold statements — no pale pastels for us! — in support of moderate-right stands:
Why Kamala Harris is not so bad actually. We admire a left-center politician who knows when to tack to the center-right which is really the center. When Harris was forced to back off her socialistic health care plan, where others saw weakness Liz Mair saw leadership. Also Harris took a tough law-and-order stance as a DA. But don’t think her unprincipled — she remains black and female. Can she be The One, or rather The Other One, to bring us together, at least until she’s elected and we start questioning her birth certificate?
Trump is a socialist and that’s why he’s bad. Yes, establishment conservatives used to say things like this all the time only to stop when Trump won, but we really mean it. True, Trump’s tax cut gave billionaires a huge gift — or, rather, a huge reward perfectly proportionate to their talents and contributions to society — and he’s doing a great job undermining Obamacare. But, Jonathan V. Last notices, while true conservatives like Paul Ryan tried to reform Social Security and Medicare into more free-market, low-benefit programs, Trump talks as if he wants to keep them intact. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t mean it — with poor examples like this, it’s no wonder the kids fell under the sway of AOC.
What makes Howard Schultz so sexy? Ruggedly handsome, impeccably coiffed (could there be a bigger contrast with Bernie “Bedhead” Sanders?), calling them like he sees them — presidency-flirt Howard Schultz is taking America by storm and don’t let the polls fool you — once he gets past the false impression created by the SJWs of the Twitter mob (and he’s got the money to do it!), both the center-right and the center-center-left (and maybe even the center left! They liked Obama) will go for the man Benjamin Parker respectfully calls Mr. Schultz, Sir.
Come join the center-center-right-center revolution but not that kind of revolution at The Bulshit today!