It’s Venture Capital Haircut Candidate’s Moment!

The latest and the greatest for the time being

©2022 Gage Skidmore, used under a Creative Commons license

Love him or hate him, you have to admit Venture Capital Haircut Candidate is having a moment. With major publications profiling him and his out-of-nowhere candidacy rocketing to second place in Republican polls, it seems the time is long past when one could dismiss him as another flash-in-the-pan novelty like 2016’s Herman Cain — or, for that matter, Donald Trump.

The fact is Venture Capital Haircut Candidate has several advantages over the many other challengers to nominee-presumptive Trump. There is, for example, his relative youth — less than half Trump’s age — as well as the fortune he made developing pharmaceuticals, and his winning snarl and venture capital haircut.  

But most of all there is his willingness to up the ante in terms of GOP policy. True, the Republican Congress has held unprecedented hearings on alleged sightings of alien spaceships and life forms, but only Venture Capital Haircut Candidate has promised to prosecute NASA for “its Deep State murder of several alien life forms at Area 51,” and to put at least one alien life form in his Cabinet.

And while there’s a definite Ukraine-skeptic streak in the current Republican Party — partly a legacy of Trump’s warm relations with Vladimir Putin —Venture Capital Haircut Candidate raises (or, one might say, repositions) the bar by calling for the United States to give military aid to Russia “so they can crush this little bastard and his so-called country into dust, and the people of our two great nations can live together under the same vengeful God.”

“All the other candidates, Still-President Donald Trump included, are trapped in the politics of the past,” says Venture Capital Haircut Candidate’s campaign manager Gus Wallop. “They’re talking about tax policy and foreign policy and junk like that as if it matters to ordinary people, who really just want to blow things up or shoot it into space. When people go to the movies, and I mean American people, you know, people who can barely read or write yet somehow have a luxury boat business or a chain of auto supply stores, they don’t go to documentaries or My Dinner with Andre or something like that — they like to see superheroes beat up supervillains, or supervillains beat up superheroes, because let’s be honest, a lot of people like that too because who cares about good and evil. And to see things blow up! Like that Oppenheimer, you know, OK, there’s a lot of talk but it’s so exciting when they think they might actually destroy the world, and when they actually explode the bomb in IMAX, that’s what everyone really wants. I know some people act like it’s about the guy feeling guilty but look, let him feel guilty, he’s just a dirty communist, the rest of us love the feeling that the world could blow up or burn up or do some crazy thing any second, and that’s the appeal of Venture Capital Haircut Candidate, that’s why people love him and think everyone else might as well just die.”

At a recent Venture Capital Haircut Candidate campaign appearance at the Batter Barn in Dizzy, Missouri, a small but attentive crowd, many of them eating funnel cake, gathered around as Venture Capital Haircut Candidate, wearing a bespoke pinstripe suit that hugged his slender frame and black dress boots, stalked the stage, which was made to look like an old Western porch and normally served as a display area for a nearby buttermilk cosmetics company. Sometimes when Venture Capital Haircut Candidate got extra excited — as he did when the crowd reacted enthusiastically to his declaration against trans rights, “innies should be innies and outies should be outies” — he swung from one of the porch posts and waved his closed fist as if he were waving a cowboy hat. (Later Wallop got him an actual cowboy hat, which he waved to the cheers of the crowd.)

A few of the spectators agreed to share their opinion of Venture Capital Haircut Candidate afterward.

“I kept expecting him to sing,” said a young woman in a pinafore and a plain white blouse who asked not to be identified, “because why would you come out like that if you weren’t going to sing? He spoke very well.”

“I like that he wants to make it illegal for young people to vote,” said “Just Deb,” an elderly housewife. “I think he’s about the only young person in this world that I like, and I have seven grandchildren.”

“I don’t care that he’s colored,” said Darling Beautry, a retired roofer. “I use racial slurs because it makes my son mad. He’s an elite.”

The candidate shook several hands and then, surrounded by what he calls his “privatized secret service,” retired to his million-dollar logo-identified bus, where he relaxed for an hour before being helicoptered to his good friend Faron Renault’s nearby compound. If Venture Capital Haircut Candidate knows what’s next, he’s not talking!