Johnny Depp's forthcoming projects

After the Amber Heard verdict, the world's his bitch!

©2009 Robin Santillan, used under a Creative Commons license

Saucy Jack vs. The Sea Hags. The woke Disney corporation won’t revive the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise except in a feminazi version, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still have Johnny Depp riding the seven seas as legendary buccaneer “Saucy” Jack Grackle! In this totally separate and original IP he’s put on a little weight, but he’s still the drunk and disorderly rascal you’ve come to know and love. In his glad rags, mascara, and mannerisms he cuts a dashing figure and all the ladies love him — except for the Sea-Hags, an eighteenth-century gang of nasty women who, damaged by daddy issues, roam the high seas in search of psychic compensation and plunder. They despise Jack Grackle for his roguish masculinity and have vowed to sink his ship The Dark Gem and to literally emasculate him! But Jack leads them on a merry chase with much derring-do and CGI, ending in a literally ravishing, literally climactic physical struggle with Hag Queen Millie Bobbie Brown in which he shows her what “rolling in the deep” really means and makes everything work out! With several of Hollywood’s top young actresses as the Sea Hags (who, when they remove their spectacles and shake out their hair, are actually super hot) and, as Jack’s pirate gang, Jordan Peterson, Joe Rogan, and Ben Shapiro as “Half-Pint.” Special cameo by Tom Cruise as The Bitchmaster!

The Chemist. To the normies, Marc Lépine was a madman — a psychotic murderer who killed 19 women at the Montreal’s École Polytechnique in 1989 and left a hateful screed against feminists. But this haunting film goes behind the headlines to explore the origins of this tortured, misunderstood figure. Product of a broken home, molested by a social justice warrior “Big Brother,” rejected by the feminized Canadian Army, young Marc is adrift and confused; shunned by his mother, his sister, and other women, Marc tries to win female respect by excelling as a chemist, but in a series of pathetic scenes he is so tormented by tough female gangs, disdainful female co-workers, and haughty female passers-by that he snaps and becomes… The Chemist. Director Todd Phillips predicts Depp’s performance as Marc, especially his expressive parkour routine at Habitat 67, will finally win him the Oscar he has so long been denied by woke Hollywood, and maybe a measure of empathy as well for masculinist mass murderers with a compelling backstory.

Deppraved! The Podcast. Spotify has ponied up $100 million for Johnny Depp’s new podcast — nor bad for a first-timer! Many guest stars visit, usually Tommy Chong, but most of the airtime is filled by callers insulting Depp, then being sued into penury by him. “You know, I’m just a simple guy,” Depp says in one of his monologues as sidekick Poopmouth hypes him with encouraging noises and misogynist slurs, “and if I were not rich or famous I would still be doing what I do — speaking truth to power, holding the mirror up to nature, and, especially, telling bitches to suck my dick! Watch out for my next Jack Grackle movie, Yo Ho Bro: Bitches Be Trippin’, where I splooge in Hailee Steinfeld’s face.”