Last call

Special guests at the Rectory!

[The Rectory, as seen in previous episodes. Regular habitués ROSS DOUTHAT and BILL BARR are not on premises, but BRETT KAVANAUGH, wearing a J. Crew sweater-vest-and-slacks ensemble, and BILL BENNETT, in a brown three-piece suit, white shirt, and thin tie (too tightly knotted but an inch down from his neck), are; they have been joined by NEIL GORSUCH, in khakis and polo shirt with a sweater draped around his shoulders; CLARENCE THOMAS, wearing a Glenn Youngkin fleece and jeans; and SAM ALITO, in a muted floral Hawaiian shirt and khakis. All have cigars and drinks — on which BENNETT seems to be well ahead of the rest — and sing to the tune of The Whiffenpoof Song:]

We’re in-te-gra-lists and we’ll have our way!
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Woe betide the ungodly, the girls and the gay!
Ha! Ha! Ha!

[MIZ NOONAN the chambermaid/Wall Street Journal columnist storms in, waving her duster to ward off the cigar smoke.]

MIZ NOONAN: Sweet Mother Mary on a root beer float! Mr. Bennett, whatever is this almighty fume and racket!

BENNETT: Ah, don’t you mind a’tall, Miz Noonan. Look, we’ve got the Supreme Court majority itself with us, sure and you know them all!

MIZ NOONAN: Praise the Lord, I do recognize yez now the smoke’s cleared a bit.

[NOONAN curtsies.]

Your Honors! But where’s Mrs. Justice Bennett?

BENNETT: Back home makin’ another baby, I trust!

[All laugh except MIZ NOONAN.]

KAVANAUGH: Now, Miz Noonan, you don’t want us to start admitting women, do you? Sure you’re woman enough for us all!

[All laugh except MIZ NOONAN, who blushes.]

THOMAS: [To KAVANAUGH] And you know we don’t need none of that mess, do we, Justice Kavanaugh?

KAVANAUGH: You know it, Long Dong Silver!

[More laughter. MIZ NOONAN throws up her hands.]

MIZ NOONAN: Ah me, boys will be boys and I’m well out of it! But please will yez try and keep it down now, Mr. Kissinger is upstairs visitin’ the man what pumps him up with baby blood, an’ I’m afeared ye’ll put him off his feed.

BENNETT: Alright, Miz Noonan.

MIZ NOONAN: But afore I go, allow me to say to yez all, how grateful I am that you’re bringing this country back to DAY-sensy, and a sense o’ common purpose, so the Demmy-crats and the Repooblicans may soon settle their differences and we can all live t’gether in harmony, so.

[MIZ NOONAN sniffles, blows her nose into her apron.]

That’s all. Enjoy.

[MIZ NOONAN toddles out; BENNETT raises his finger to keep the boys still; finally we hear a heavy door shut behind MIZ NOONAN and, led by BENNETT, the boys erupt in laughter.]

GORSUCH: My God, she really believes that stuff!

KAVANAUGH: Amazing, isn’t it?

ALITO: When we’re going throw half those liberal bastards in the clink and half of them mad!

BENNETT: Prayin’ for a quick end they’ll be, and serves ‘em right.  You lads don’t remember how it was in this country, before they gave it all over to atheists and homosexuals and the colored — [To THOMAS] No offense, Clarence.

THOMAS: Hey, got nothing to do with me.

BENNETT: Well said, Clarence! It’s got nothin’ to do with any of yez. You’re the fellas what has the black robes! And like the Good Lord himself, ye can’t be respecters of persons, swayed by pity or pleading or — [his face twisted in disgust as he says it] social justice! Restore the old anti-social kind of justice I say, and let befall what may the rabble and the hoi polloi — When the judgement comes, ye can stand proud before your Maker and say I did Your will!

[The BOYS raise a cheer, but suddenly a giant spherical bomb with a hissing fuse crashes through one of the stained glass windows.]

VOICE OF A FEMINAZI, off: Eat shit, you stinking pigs!

[A tremendous explosion. When the smoke clears we see the boys standing on a cloud in white robes, in an endless line with others similarly attired.]

BENNETT: B’jaysus! We’re assassinated!

THOMAS: I told you this would happen! It starts with them yelling at your house!

BENNETT: [To THOMAS] Is it, now? How do we know it wasn’t your crack-brained old woman?

GORSUCH: Gosh, that line looks awful long.

BENNETT: Hmmph! We’re VIPs! I’ll go see what the hold-up is —

[He tries to pass the man in front of them, who elbows him back.]

MAN: No cuts, buddy.

BENNETT: Mind your tongue! I’m the former Secretary of Education!

MAN: I don’t care if you’re the Sultan of Swat, no cuts. Besides, we’re so far back I doubt any of us will see it.

ALITO: Wait a minute. You mean this isn’t the line for St. Peter’s Gate?

MAN: What? No. We’re all trying to get a peek at Kissinger getting thrown into Hell.

[An ANGEL alights, arrayed as you would imagine but also wearing a derby hat at a rakish angle.]

ANGEL: [to BENNETT and the Justices] Is it yourselves, is it! Come on, then, I’ve orders to bring yez to the front of the line.

[They attempt to flee but the ANGEL sweeps them up in ectoplasm and, as they scream, flies them forward. The MAN pulls opera glasses out of his robe and peers after them. Three Stooges closing music.]