Last-minute additions to the CPAC agenda

We're all alt-right, we're all alt-right, hello Orlando!

The greatest year in the greatest conference in the history of the Conservative Political Action Conference just got even greater, and anyone who says any different is a woke cancel culture snowflake! Here are five newly-added sessions:

School Board Takeover Tips
Mary Kate Honchaster

Though a doting stay-at-home mother of six beautiful children, none of whom attend public schools, Mary Kate Honchaster of Condo Corners, Virginia still finds time to run several political groups including the Condo Corners Homeless Disposal Squad and the Condo Corners Landmark Ruling Vote Wranglers. She made national headlines when she turned the Condo Corners school board from a typical NoVa woke leftist cadre into the first school system in the nation to remove all non-Oprah African-American authors from its curriculum.  In fact, getting the press to report that books were “removed from the curriculum” instead of “banned” was one of Mary Kate’s innovations! Other tips include “[Fill in the Black]: How Anything Can be ‘Critical Race Theory’” and “How to Squeeze Donations out of a Textbook Publisher.”

Speak to the Manager: A Victim of the Woke Workforce Strikes Back
Chuck Dubonnet

When the ungrateful brats who barely did any work at the Chicken Magnet chain took advantage of Joe Biden’s corrupt Wuhan Flu payoffs to quit, fast-food franchisee Chuck Dubonnet could have just shut down and sulked. But he didn’t — he put up signs about what lazy bastards his ex-employees were, posted videos of his friends pretending to serve customers a few hours a day, and went viral as a capitalist hero. He got a big bonus from Chicken Magnet, published No One Wants To Work Anymore: How Democrat Handouts are Destroying America, and now appears regularly on Fox News as a labor analyst. Let him show you how you can do it, too. Beats workin’!

Look, A Black Guy Agrees With Us!
Dr. Rev. McKinley Coolidge Cleveland

Dr. Rev. McKinley Coolidge Cleveland first found the national spotlight as conservative rapper MC Pull-Ya-Draws-Up. Then he found the Lord, attended Bible School, and established the Lord’s Blessings Run Like Rain Down a Car Windshield House of God in Scurvy, Louisiana. It was there Dr. Cleveland created Look, A Black Guy Agrees With Us! as a training course for white Republicans facing scurrilous accusations of racism, and became famous for helping sheriff Jake Lack, then known as the Bull Connor of Pepsi Junction, win his first Congressional seat. Now Dr. Rev. Cleveland runs LABGAWU sessions across the country, not just for politicians but also for fast-food franchise owners, comedians, and people unjustly accused of hate crimes. Learn key “You’re The Real Racist™” techniques for every conceivable subject, Civil War factoids that take opponents too long to debunk, and Black Friend Stories that leave ‘em — as Malcolm X used to say — bamboozled.

Putin’ on the Ritz: Oligarchs You Can Afford
Yevgeny Epinevovich, anonymous guests

However well-laundered and protected by Citizens United they may be, there’s always a chance Russian donations to your campaigns will be discovered — and in the current situation that could be very damaging. Yevgeny Epinevovich, a simple businessman just trying to get by and longtime financial advisor to Donald Trump and Dana Rohrabacher, and his guests, who appear via secure Vidizmo video feed with their faces and voices disguised, will give you broad hints as to how to get in touch with moneymen in the real estate and art dealing world who recognize your common interests and only want what’s best for both your countries, and will hook you up with beautiful girls and recreational drugs to show their sincerity.

How To Swear at Democrats and Get Away With It
Rhett Fenschmeck

Author of dozens of self-help and inspirational books including Davenning for Health: A Spiritual Journey to Ripped Abs and God Wants Me All To Himself: An Incel’s Hymnal, Fenschmeck has developed literally hundreds of variations on “Let’s Go Brandon,” and shares them along with many different disguised politically-incorrect swears like “Do You Schiff or Do You Swalwell?” Ends with hilarious workshop!

Mother Russia: The Last Acceptable Bigotry
Rod Dreher

Recently appointed an Archdeacon of the Eastern Orthodox Church by none other than Vladimir Putin himself, the author of The Benedict Option and Live Not By Lies, appearing in full clerical regalia, shakes his crozier at those who would blaspheme against the Holy Mother Church and its great patron Mother Russia merely because of the unfortunate Ukrainian Reclamation which, Dreher explains, he of course does not support but has regretfully come to accept as the only defense of the godly against Drag Queen Story Hour.