Last-minute arrangements for the mourning period

Seeing off the Queen? See her like a native!

The queue to view the Queen’s casket being literally miles long and exceedingly slow-moving, the Nation has arranged for queue-side entertainments to help those in the queue pass the time. These will include:

• Performances by RADA students of speeches from Shakespeare including “St. Crispin’s Day,” “To be or not to be,” “Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow” etc., and scenes from beloved British television shows such as “Are You Being Served” and “Till Death Us Do Part,” delivered on moving platforms and amplified by tour-bus loudspeakers;

• Historical living tableaux, including the torture and confession of Mark Smeaton, the execution of Charles I, the duel of William Pitt the Younger and George Tierney, and, most spectacularly, the Dissolution of the Monasteries;

• Playful wrestling matches by actors dressed in the manner of sports mascots as Labour and Conservative Party heads from general elections of the past 100 years. Those in the queue will have an opportunity to buy rooters’ buttons and scarves (“WE’RE A DOUGLAS HOME,” “THE ONLY LAW IS BONAR LAW,” etc.).

NOTE: While cheering and applause are encouraged performers are not busking and should not be tipped. Anyone who interrupts or heckles performers is subject to arrest for treason.  

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At the lying-in itself, and in response to concerns that “30 hours is a long time to wait for a look at a flippin’ box,” at intervals not to be revealed to the public beforetime the lid of the Queen’s coffin will be briefly lifted so those within view can see that Her Majesty is really in there. Photographs will not be permitted, and viewers who claim the box is empty or contains a wax dummy will be charged with treason.

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Lyrics sheets for new versions of old-fashioned British football songs, specially commissioned by the Crown and composed by Sir Tim Rice and Sir Elton John, will be distributed to those in the queue. Sample:

Bad luck Harry Cunt!
Bad luck Harry Cunt!
He doesn’t like the footy
And he’s married to a sooty
And he lives in the U.S.A.
Oh way oh way oh way oh way oh way
Sod the Frogs!

Bad luck Willie Ponce!
Bad luck Willie Ponce!
He’s the Prince of Wales
His wife will shag you for two ales
And she lives in the Yooo-kay
Bollocks!

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To defuse discontent over disruptions associated with the period of mourning, for two hours on Sunday conduct of the queue will be given over to a Lord of Misrule appointed by the Arts Council and, in the ancient spirit of the Feast of Fools, those in the queue will be allowed to express anti-monarchal sentiments such as “sod Andy the Pedo” and loud raspberries, without retribution, provided these do not promote republicanism, the restoration of Jeremy Corbyn as head of the Labour Party, or taxation of King Charles III’s private fortune, any of which will be considered treason.

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In anticipation of “horrible stories of suffering” due to the long queue, His Majesty’s Government will issue a new medal to those who fall ill or die while waiting to attend the lying-in: The Order of the Civilian Mourner, with the legend “Serviunt etiam qui tantum stant et exspectant” engraved on the obverse circumference around the head of Charles III. The reverse will bear the image of one of a number of popular British attractions, including Big Ben, Stonehenge, and Cilla Black. Recipients or their survivors will also receive half-price admission at all Cineworld theaters and a £50 Tesco e-card.

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All those arrested during the mourning period will be given the opportunity to abhor themselves and repent before they are remanded to the Tower. God save the King!