Lord of the Files

Children's Crusade

On Tuesday, The Washington Post reported on a stealth “troll farm” by Turning Point USA, the right-wing youth group led up by Charlie Kirk, to recruit teenagers to post disinformation on social media — sometimes getting around policies that sites like Facebook and Twitter use to prevent the spread of false political information.

“Teenagers, some of them minors, are being paid to pump out the messages at the direction of Turning Point Action, an affiliate of Turning Point USA, the prominent conservative youth organization based in Phoenix, according to four people with independent knowledge of the effort,” reported Isaac Stanley-Becker. “Their descriptions were confirmed by detailed notes from relatives of one of the teenagers who recorded conversations with him about the efforts.”

[A windowless conference room. On the conference table is a number of open laptops and, piled messily near the center, six-packs of Fanta, Mountain Dew, and Juicy Juice Teasers, and a variety of snack and candy packages; also, opened, crumpled, and tossed variations thereof. The room is full of 10-to-14-year-old boys, a few of whom sit typing at laptops, but most of whom are running around trying to jump one another. CHARLIE KIRK comes in and addresses them, but cannot be heard; he raises an electric bullhorn to his mouth.]

KIRK: Hey hey hey guys listen up!

[KIRK is audible but no one is reacting. He tries again:]

Who wants five hundred dollars!

[Half the kids scream and pay attention to KIRK, then get the rest of them to calm down enough that he can be heard.]

There are big bonuses, hundred dollar bonuses, five hundred dollar bonuses, one thousand dollar bonuses for guys who get the high score in the Trump for President game. So let’s focus!

[KIRK drops the bullhorn, points at a kid at a laptop.]

What's your name, my dude?

KID: Lance.

KIRK: Lance, whattaya got?

LANCE: I was checking Instagram.

KIRK: Did you post?

LANCE: Yeah.

KIRK: Read it to me.

LANCE: I talk to text, I can’t read.

ANOTHER KID: I’ll read it!

[This KID crowds LANCE to see his screen.]

LANCE: Not so close, fag!

KID: Fuck you.

KIRK: Let him read it. What’s the screen name?

KID: TrumpWin343009.

SOME OTHER KID ACROSS THE TABLE: Lame!

KIRK: And what’s it say?

KID: [Scrolling] 9:45, “are you triggered little bitch you know fauci is pedo as fuck CDC is deep state we beat their ass and save the U.S. flag emoji cool emoji peace emoji.” 9:52, "little bitch is trigger fauci is a pedo U.S. will rule forever flag emoji cool emoji peace emoji suck my flagpole lol flag emoji cool emoji peace emoji.”

[Beat. KID looks at KIRK.]

It's all the same, he just does the same thing over and over with worse spelling.

[LANCE tries to get the kid in a headlock; the KID knocks him over and all the kids start screaming. KIRK screams into the bullhorn.]

KIRK: Calling your parents! Calling your parents! Calling your parents! Calling your parents!

[Things simmer down a little.]

OK, Lance, good volume but you gotta mix it up. Who’s got more than ten usernames? What’s the matter, don't people raise their hands anymore — yes, you.

[A LITTLE KID reads off his screen:]

LITTLE KID: WarPigBird12, ArmyWifeScrapbk, PrincessMAGA756, MAGAgolfballs54, PedoBiden838494,PedoBiden838495, PedoBiden838496, PedoBiden838497, PedoBiden838497, PedoBiden838498...

KIRK: OK, got the idea, good! You guys should be posting at least 30 tweets an hour using at least 10 usernames. Once an hour respond to one of the libtards on the libtard list and make it hurt! 30 tweets an hour, one libtard an hour! Someone has his hand up, yes, you!

FAT KID: What if you can’t tell time?

KIRK: Do the best you can! Remember we’re logging your keystrokes. Double score for retweets! Now come on! The competition is heavy and —

[The door opens and BARRON TRUMP, more than a head taller than anyone else in the room, wearing a blue suit and a white shirt with the collar torn off, pushes in.]

KIRK: Hey, do I — Barron, is that you?

BARRON: Hey Kirk. Heard there was snacks. [Grabs some off the table]

KIRK: Hey, guys, look who it is — Barron Trump!

[Nobody reacts. To BARRON:]

So really, what are you doing here?

BARRON: You deaf? Snacks.

[BARRON tears open a large back of Cheetos with his teeth.]

SOME KID: Hey that’s the last bag of Cheetos!

SOME OTHER KIDS: Yeah!

BARRON: What are you gonna do about it, fuckface?

[Pause.]

That's what I thought.

[BARRON eats some Cheetos. To KIRK:]

What is this, some kind of retard day care?

KIRK: We’re getting your father reelected.

BARRON: My balls.

[A couple of KIDS go “ooooh.”]

KIRK: No, man, we're doing oppo work, it's really cool. Here, let me show you —

[A LITTLE KID comes up and tries to take the bag of Cheetos from BARRON, who backhands him viciously into the wall. Other kids go “ooooh.” LITTLE KID slumps to the ground.]

Holy shit. Dude, you knocked him out.

BARRON: [Munching] ‘salright, he’s a fucking Mexican.

KIRK: Mexican? Nah, man, I, I know his family, his, his name's McGillicuddy. Look, he’s got blond hair — oh shit, look, blood.

BARRON: Don’t look at it.

KIRK: Don’t look at it? Dude —

BARRON: Did you hear me?

KIRK: Dude, he’s white, I have to —

[BARRON punches KIRK in the mouth. KIRK goes down. The kids all ooh and ahh. One of them throw a bag of chips at BARRON.]

Who threw that?

[Someone else throws a couple of packages of peanut butter crackers. Some kids boo. Just as it looks like the tide is turning, BARRON reaches into his jacket pockets and throws wads of cash at the center of the table. The kids scream and climb onto the table in a frenzy, knocking the laptops, snacks, and each other off the table. BARRON, still snacking, heads for the door — then turns and roars loud enough for us to hear but not loud enough to stop the melee:]

When I’m president I’ll fuck you all up!

[Turning back to the door — and appearing to stomp on something as he goes —BARRON leaves the room. CURTAIN.]