Meet-Cult

It's the feel-mad hit of the summer!

© 2020 Gage Skidmore, used under a Creative Commons license

When Simone Gold was making her meteoric rise in the right-wing ecosphere, she never failed to mention in public appearances that she was both an emergency room doctor and a Stanford-educated lawyer. The credentials made her popular among anti-vaxxers, evangelicals, and others who supported her nonprofit, America’s Frontline Doctors (AFLDS), which she launched in opposition to pandemic lockdowns in 2020. Even after she pushed her way into the US Capitol on January 6, 2021, she yelled in the Rotunda, “I am a Stanford-educated attorney!”…

In March this year, even as Gold pleaded guilty to a federal misdemeanor for illegally entering a restricted building during the [Jan. 6] insurrection, she demanded that the judge refer to her as “doctor.” And now, as she awaits sentencing this week, she’s arguing that her elite professional credentials should keep her out of jail…

Update, June 16: Simone Gold was sentenced to 60 days in jail. — Mother Jones

[TITLE CARD: From the makers of Mark and Pat McCloskey: A New Beginning]

v/o SIMONE: Look, Your Honor, this is ridiculous, I just can’t go to prison!

[SIMONE, in a rather slatternly skirt-suit and her hair blown out, is shown contemptuously addressing the bench.]

I’ve got my patients, and then there’s the whole summer booked at anti-vaccination conventions and what if President Trump needs me to storm the Capitol again? It’s out of the question.

[CLOSE UP of JUDGE’s gavel coming down.]

JUDGE: 60 days, Simone —

[CLOSE UP of JUDGE’s kindly, Wilford Brimleyesque face.]

— and I hope you learn something about life and love.

[REVERSE SHOT of SIMONE.]

SIMONE: What?

[TRAVELING SHOT: Gen pop in a women’s prison — tough-looking girls grooming and tattooing each other. SIMONE, dressed like the other prisoners in an orange jumpsuit but with a stethoscope around her neck and carrying a copy of The Turner Diaries, walks warily past them.]

v/o SIMONE: [Angry] You said there was no way I’d go to prison!

v/o RUPERT SLURN: [Conciliatory] Simone, Simone, remember what I told you when I took your case?

[CUT TO SIMONE on a prison wall phone, a line of prisoners behind her]

SIMONE: “Trust the plan”?

[CUT TO SLURN in his ratty law office with QAnon signage all over the walls.]

SLURN: Exactly.

[SLURN hangs up. Baffled REACTION SHOT of SIMONE.]

[CUT TO SIMONE in her cell, looking at the crummy toilet.]

SIMONE: This is absurd! I can’t even find the button that controls the bidet!

[CUT TO SIMONE in the chow line, getting her meal.]

SIMONE: Waiter, is this whatever-it-is free range?

[CUT TO SIMONE in the exercise yard with some tough prisoner girls, including SHAQUANDRA, who is pregnant.]

SHAQUANDRA: Wait, you sayin’ that COVID vaccine shit is messin’ with my DNA?

SIMONE: Shaquandra, the science — the real science, not the fake Fauci science — is indisputable. Chances are that baby-daddy baby you’re carrying will have at least twelve fingers and maybe an extra head.

SHAQUANDRA: [Screaming]  OH I’M ABOUT TO GO OFF YOOOO!

[CUT TO a riot at the prison.]

[CUT TO SIMONE, her hair and clothes all “tore up” from the riot, in the WARDEN’s office.]

SIMONE: All I did was tell the truth. [Crying] Why-y-y-yy does that always get me in trou-ou-ouble?

WARDEN: [Kindly, Wilford Brimleyesque] Tsk tsk, Simone, what am I gonna do with you?

SIMONE: Anal, for a carton of Camel Lights?

[CUT TO a long shot from a cell window of JAKE, a handsome, rugged male prisoner in the men’s prison across the way. (Look, just go with it.)]

SHAQUANDRA v/o: You like that, don’tcha?

[CUT TO SIMONE looking out the window while SHAQUANDRA does her braids.]

SIMONE: Yeah. I can see he’s got that same patriotic thing coming out of him that I’ve got coming out of me.

SHAQUANDRA: Oh, he got somethin’ comin’ out, but not the same what you got!

[Both laugh.]

SIMONE: Gurrrl!

[Short shots of prisoners relaying messages between JAKE and SIMONE, and of JAKE and SIMONE reading them.]

v/o SIMONE: Dear Jake: I don’t know what gets me wetter — your analysis of the Deep State, or your rockin’ hot bod.

v/o JAKE: Dear Simone: I’m counting the hours ‘til I can stalk and kill pedophile groomers with you!

[CUT TO SHAQUANDRA crying out in her cell, SIMONE coming to her aid.]

SHAQUANDRA: [Tearfully] When they put them maternity shackles on me, I need you to make sure my baby come out OK!

SIMONE: [Tearfully, putting the bell of her stethoscope on SHAQUANDRA’s belly] Don’t worry, my bitch, I got you!

[CUT TO SIMONE walking down a row of cells pushing SHAQUANDRA and her new baby on a gurney, to which SHAQUANDRA is handcuffed, as prisoners cheer and the music swells, which continues as we
CUT TO the WARDEN, smiling and handing SIMONE her release papers; and
CUT TO SIMONE back in her street clothes, waiting outside the men’s prison, from which JAKE emerges naked to the waist, wearing a fur hat with buffalo horns and red-white-and-blue makeup, and carrying a bullhorn. They embrace.]

JAKE: Now let’s go save America!

[CUT TO MEDIUM SHOT of JAKE and SIMONE storming the Capitol together as the sun sets.]

[TITLE CARD: MAGA MY HEART/ Hallmark Channel 7/4/22/ WWG1WGA]