As, like, always, my condolences to Roy for the pain he must suffer wading through all the filth needed to produce stuff like this.
And because I'm me, I must note that what's being (barely) lampooned here is pretty much the attitudes that drove the colonies to revolt in the first place. You know, just for the record and all that.
What we all appreciate about Roy’s craftsmanship that doesn’t require getting out of the boat, or, at least doesn’t require eating rotten mangoes when he does, is his “eye” for detail for clothes and accessories, among other things. The description of Sol’s cowboy outfit, including the exact make of the pistols, paints a garish picture of a scary clown drunk on his own notoriety. He could be a recurring figure in future REBID fantasies.
A masterful job. This is a compliment I pay out of respect for Roy's talent, but I feel worse and not better after reading it because not only can I easily see such a rally actually happening, I can see the NYT covering it in exactly this manner.
Both-Sides Now: one side wants to murder their enemies while enriching their donors, the other side says, "I think that's wrong." However you look at it, it's bad news for Joe Biden.
“These impassioned fellow Americans remind me so much of my own dear son when he was a toddler and in the grip of a temper tantrum. Of course, my son wasn’t carrying a Sig Sauer P226 at the time…”
Surely, if we look long enough and hard enough, we can trace this all back to something the Democrats did, or maybe something the Democrats failed to do, or perhaps just the Democrats merely existing, how dare they. In any case, I blame the Democrats.
There was a story about some Trump-voting county in Pennsylvania that finally did a hand-count of all the ballots because the "Stop the Steal" nuts wouldn't let the County Commissioners alone (also fear of seeing your children murdered might have been a factor in their decision.)
Anyway, the hand-recount resulted in a net gain for Trump: of EIGHT whole votes. And here's the hilarious part: Trump won the county with 70% of the vote. Makes you wonder what result they'd be willing to accept as an honest election: Trump wins 90%? Trump wins 100%? Yeah, probably that second one.
Remember when the economy collapsed in 2008 during total GOP control of the government, but it was because of something Clinton and Barney Frank did in the 1990s, plus a Carter policy? I sure do!
Not so, according to a Republican relative o' mine, who says all those Cletus Safaris are the OPPOSITE of attempts to understand conservatives. What they really are, see, is liberal operatives OBTAINING INFO on conservatives, later to be used against them! Used against them how, you might ask. Well now liberal politicians will know exactly what to say to appeal to these voters!! Thereby tricking them into voting liberal!
So quite predictably, the fact that conservative news orgs only ridicule, never explain the enemy, proves conservatives are more honest and respectful, much better Americans.
Spying? Obtaining info? As if we need covert ops to figure out what Repubs are saying and thinking. THEY SHOUT IT ALL DAY LONG. Jesus, if these people could just channel their rich fantasy lives into something other than persecution complexes.
I tip my cap to your Republican relative -- that is one of the most comprehensive renderings of "I'm not the asshole, YOU'RE the asshole" I've ever come across. Totally impervious to logic and completely irrefutable. Respect.
My uncle in rural SD puts up Trump flags on the property line at the edge of his field, right beside my parents’ house, because he knows it will piss off my mom and dad. Gee, what could he be thinking? What are his motivations? It is a mystery. (This uncle is a perfect Trumper. He’s sour, always convinced he’s getting the short end of the stick, no matter what the circumstances.)
By now, we all know what his mantra in his own defense would be -- your parents MADE him put the flags there by their own aversion to Trump, giving him no choice but to respond in such a manner.
Thanksgiving must be a treat -- your poor parents.
I never understand why the Times and others bother seeking the opinions and conspiranoia of diner patrons and winger focus groups when these folks are usually parroting what they just heard on Tucker or what percolated this week from the Shapiro/Bongino Facebook swamps. Why not just install a direct newsfeed from Fox?
Yesterday the Washington Post sent me an email about what they call "The 7" which I guess is a list of the top 7 stories of the day. Not one of the 7 was about Papaw Biden and the Stolen Secret Documents ( like Trump but worser also too because)
Now that I think of it, I don't think any were about Trump.
Could be wrong and frequently am, but I believe "mano" is the only word in Spanish that ends in an "o" but has female gender. Whatever you do, DON'T TELL TED.
Can you imagine a language where EVERY DAMN NOUN has to tell you its pronouns? Why, I've even heard that there's this one language, used over there in Europe by MILLIONS of people, that has nouns that have the nerve to tell you they're not male or female, but NEUTRAL!
criminy, I read two or three paragraphs before I sussed it was a parody. what a world we live in! you mean empty green HASN"T offered to take a bite of his churro??
There's a brand of cleaning products called Simple Green, which could also work. I've used their degreaser, and it works pretty well, don't know why I mentioned that.
Yeah. You might wanna delete at least parta that ^^^ comment before certain thin-skinned folk get hold of it...or at least change it to Basico Verde) or Verde Basico, not sure which or either).
Face it, libs, Republicans have captured all the best Hispanics. McCarthy just gave George “Señor Confabulation” Santos not one but two committee assignments. There is nothing too shameful for the Party of Personal Responsibility.
I'm reminded fondly of my old factory days, when one of the guys didn't show up on Monday and the other guys said "He's in Hail!" which we first assumed meant he'd done something rough enough to get sent straight to perdition, but then realized just meant he's in jail, so we bailed him out, about which he completely understood as us rich guys working the system by slipping some cash to the right key-fondler in the jailhouse, which, after some thought we also agreed with.
Also, Santos should keep Pena around just for personal protection. By that I mean, even Santos knows that Santos with a gun is too dangerous to contemplate. So Pena gets paid to hang around saying, "No, Congressman. Don't touch the gun. Let me touch it for you."
One of Santos' committee assignments was to the House science committee, which tells you everything you need to know about what Republicans think of science.
If you go look up the definition of "terrorism" that the federal government uses, what Pena did fits that definition EXACTLY. He is a domestic terrorist.
But, he's also a Republican. So Merrick Garland is doing his usual thing of completely ignoring this incident. I guess we can't have the Department of Justice politicizing domestic terrorism by investigating anything like this.
Garland is far and away the worst attorney general of my lifetime. And that lifetime includes John Mitchell, Ed Meese, Alberto Gonzales, and Bill Barr.
Now now, you just don’t appreciate what a master stroke his nomination was. He’s so reasonable and retirement-aged that the Repubs couldn’t possibly reject him! [clears throat] “Mr McConnell, please proceed.” [Very Serious Law-Knowers swoon, high-five each other]
When Pena announces for the Presidency, Garland will have no choice but to hand his case over to yet another Special Prosecutor. And, to show that the investigation is completely not-political, Garland will be forced to choose someone who donated to Pena's campaign.
A PR People's Choice Award is due for that little gem. One of the reasons why not might be the 150 nukes surrounding the town*, but not for me to determine.
*I googled "Why-Not Minot" and the first thing I got was from Task&Purpose, titled "Why so many airmen hate Minot Air Force Base"
Thanks for the reminder. That fateful morning I happened across the initial posting about the Great Four Seasons Extravaganza from a BBC reporter who was first to figure it out. I immediately searched the entire digital world and found the place on a map, along with everything from employee ratings of management at ANOTHER Four Seasons Landscaping whose entire web presence was deleted before the end of that day, to the highlights of the adult bookstore's inventory, to the inhabitants of the jail down the street, and all the rest of it. Was one of the few times in my life I got out ahead of the story and could report it out to my little cohort. General hilarity ensued. Corporal punishment was applied. Private parts were abused.
"Restive" is such a perfect example of Times-wordsmanship, often used to describe certain provinces of a foreign country where thousands are dying in a bloody civil war*, now we're finally bringing "restive" home. Make America Restive Again!
*I'm sure you've seen the parodies where someone writes about the US in the style the Times uses for the furriners: "In the restive southwestern province of New Mexico..."
Yesterday the Times called the debt ceiling threat a "perennial source of partisan brinkmanship," instead of "an annual rite of extortion by Republican extremists during a Democratic presidency." The article also didn't mention that Republicans had no problem whatsoever raising the debt ceiling 3 times for Donald Trump, who had no problem signing all three increases. But hey, I'm just a commenter on the Internet and they're the newspaper of record.
I was actually pretty impressed that a guy with 19 felony convictions could still get nearly 30% of the vote, running as a Republican. I remember when Republicans were all "Lock 'em up and throw away the key", it's encouraging to see so many of them willing to offer an ex-con a hand up.
Looks like they finally found one of the good ones! (or two, if you're going to count George Costanza-Santos, member of Congress and head latex salesman for Vandelay Industries )
Wasn't this something Elmo wanted for Twitter? "You can engage in satire, but it must be clearly labeled SATIRE." And I think he was actually serious, because his tweet about this didn't say SATIRE at the beginning.
The Verge/NY Magazine have a great, long piece about the Elmo takeover at Twitter. It's like he decided to do it while drunk or stoned, and it's taken him 3 months to wake up and say, "Wait--that really happened?"
Same here. I wish their clips were shorter, but damned if I can figure out where the edits would go. (Well, I probably could, but there would go even more time!)
Brilliant.
As, like, always, my condolences to Roy for the pain he must suffer wading through all the filth needed to produce stuff like this.
And because I'm me, I must note that what's being (barely) lampooned here is pretty much the attitudes that drove the colonies to revolt in the first place. You know, just for the record and all that.
Yeah, let the record show we're pretty revolting.
That “we” there is some projecting.
I'm a collectivist. Or, in scientific speciative parlance, a lumper, not a splitter.
What we all appreciate about Roy’s craftsmanship that doesn’t require getting out of the boat, or, at least doesn’t require eating rotten mangoes when he does, is his “eye” for detail for clothes and accessories, among other things. The description of Sol’s cowboy outfit, including the exact make of the pistols, paints a garish picture of a scary clown drunk on his own notoriety. He could be a recurring figure in future REBID fantasies.
I think we're gonna need to upsize the relative capacity of this clown conveyance.
Sorry guys, the clown-Escalade isn't big enough, we're going to need the clown-bus.
Clown-Winnebago
PENA IN YOUR FACE
Written in Elmer's glue.
Jesus Roy .
This is great.
Kyle Rittenhouse is like the Nick Fury
of low rent politics, appearing in every episode set in of Trump metaverse.
"Written in Elmer's glue."
This was actually his second try, there was an unfortunate accident with a tube of glitter that made him have to throw out the first jeans-jacket.
A masterful job. This is a compliment I pay out of respect for Roy's talent, but I feel worse and not better after reading it because not only can I easily see such a rally actually happening, I can see the NYT covering it in exactly this manner.
Both-Sides Now: one side wants to murder their enemies while enriching their donors, the other side says, "I think that's wrong." However you look at it, it's bad news for Joe Biden.
It's important for us coastal elites to reach out with compassion and empathy to understand, deep in our hearts, where these morons are coming from.
“These impassioned fellow Americans remind me so much of my own dear son when he was a toddler and in the grip of a temper tantrum. Of course, my son wasn’t carrying a Sig Sauer P226 at the time…”
Well that’s your mistake. Arming your children early and often is the difference between raising a cuck and a Kyle Rittenhouse.
I guess you don’t live in Newport News
Surely, if we look long enough and hard enough, we can trace this all back to something the Democrats did, or maybe something the Democrats failed to do, or perhaps just the Democrats merely existing, how dare they. In any case, I blame the Democrats.
Bad -- and I say this more in sadness than anger -- for Joe Biden.
Yes, Democrats take upon themselves the sins of the world. Now excuse me, I have to take my daily walk on the river.
Just make sure you don't suffer a momentary lapse of belief while strolling.
Flagrantly and unapologetically existing, out in broad daylight. The nerve.
WHAT IF THE CHILDREN SEE THEM?
Fret not. They do not actually exist. That's why Trump won by 100 million votes in 2020.
There was a story about some Trump-voting county in Pennsylvania that finally did a hand-count of all the ballots because the "Stop the Steal" nuts wouldn't let the County Commissioners alone (also fear of seeing your children murdered might have been a factor in their decision.)
Anyway, the hand-recount resulted in a net gain for Trump: of EIGHT whole votes. And here's the hilarious part: Trump won the county with 70% of the vote. Makes you wonder what result they'd be willing to accept as an honest election: Trump wins 90%? Trump wins 100%? Yeah, probably that second one.
Remember when the economy collapsed in 2008 during total GOP control of the government, but it was because of something Clinton and Barney Frank did in the 1990s, plus a Carter policy? I sure do!
Not so, according to a Republican relative o' mine, who says all those Cletus Safaris are the OPPOSITE of attempts to understand conservatives. What they really are, see, is liberal operatives OBTAINING INFO on conservatives, later to be used against them! Used against them how, you might ask. Well now liberal politicians will know exactly what to say to appeal to these voters!! Thereby tricking them into voting liberal!
So quite predictably, the fact that conservative news orgs only ridicule, never explain the enemy, proves conservatives are more honest and respectful, much better Americans.
Wow that is deep and twisted and may cause me to rethink, well, everything.
One think at a time.
Interesting, I thought the angry-Republican take would be "Treating us like animals in a zoo" but I guess not. "Stop SPYING on my opinions!"
Spying? Obtaining info? As if we need covert ops to figure out what Repubs are saying and thinking. THEY SHOUT IT ALL DAY LONG. Jesus, if these people could just channel their rich fantasy lives into something other than persecution complexes.
If only the Penthouse Forum still existed...
Washington Journal is the new Penthouse Forum.
I tip my cap to your Republican relative -- that is one of the most comprehensive renderings of "I'm not the asshole, YOU'RE the asshole" I've ever come across. Totally impervious to logic and completely irrefutable. Respect.
My uncle in rural SD puts up Trump flags on the property line at the edge of his field, right beside my parents’ house, because he knows it will piss off my mom and dad. Gee, what could he be thinking? What are his motivations? It is a mystery. (This uncle is a perfect Trumper. He’s sour, always convinced he’s getting the short end of the stick, no matter what the circumstances.)
By now, we all know what his mantra in his own defense would be -- your parents MADE him put the flags there by their own aversion to Trump, giving him no choice but to respond in such a manner.
Thanksgiving must be a treat -- your poor parents.
I never understand why the Times and others bother seeking the opinions and conspiranoia of diner patrons and winger focus groups when these folks are usually parroting what they just heard on Tucker or what percolated this week from the Shapiro/Bongino Facebook swamps. Why not just install a direct newsfeed from Fox?
"Why not just install a direct newsfeed from Fox?"
Please, please don't give the New York Times any ideas.
Too late, I'm sure...
My own personal heart ain't near deep enough.
Yesterday the Washington Post sent me an email about what they call "The 7" which I guess is a list of the top 7 stories of the day. Not one of the 7 was about Papaw Biden and the Stolen Secret Documents ( like Trump but worser also too because)
Now that I think of it, I don't think any were about Trump.
I wish to live in this world.
I can definitely see Ted Cruz using "mano" in its Anglicized meaning of "man" rather than the literal "hand," Latino ancestry or not.
Hey, it kinda makes sense! I’m a man, and I have a right hand; my left hand is the brother hand!
Take your hand off me! And the other one! And the brother one!
Could be wrong and frequently am, but I believe "mano" is the only word in Spanish that ends in an "o" but has female gender. Whatever you do, DON'T TELL TED.
You're pronouning, and I won't have it.
Can you imagine a language where EVERY DAMN NOUN has to tell you its pronouns? Why, I've even heard that there's this one language, used over there in Europe by MILLIONS of people, that has nouns that have the nerve to tell you they're not male or female, but NEUTRAL!
Spayed or neutered? Another gendered choice!
" pronouning" is an interesting verb!
criminy, I read two or three paragraphs before I sussed it was a parody. what a world we live in! you mean empty green HASN"T offered to take a bite of his churro??
Yeah, sad...
She's just tryin' to make Herschel jealous.
Upvote for Empty Green.
There's a brand of cleaning products called Simple Green, which could also work. I've used their degreaser, and it works pretty well, don't know why I mentioned that.
Yeah. You might wanna delete at least parta that ^^^ comment before certain thin-skinned folk get hold of it...or at least change it to Basico Verde) or Verde Basico, not sure which or either).
'Cause *Simple* Green is actually useful. . .
Blood Simple Green
Face it, libs, Republicans have captured all the best Hispanics. McCarthy just gave George “Señor Confabulation” Santos not one but two committee assignments. There is nothing too shameful for the Party of Personal Responsibility.
I'm reminded fondly of my old factory days, when one of the guys didn't show up on Monday and the other guys said "He's in Hail!" which we first assumed meant he'd done something rough enough to get sent straight to perdition, but then realized just meant he's in jail, so we bailed him out, about which he completely understood as us rich guys working the system by slipping some cash to the right key-fondler in the jailhouse, which, after some thought we also agreed with.
Also, Santos should keep Pena around just for personal protection. By that I mean, even Santos knows that Santos with a gun is too dangerous to contemplate. So Pena gets paid to hang around saying, "No, Congressman. Don't touch the gun. Let me touch it for you."
There are guys who pay big money to have someone else touch their gun.
And of course, "all the best Hispanics": 2 marks!
Yep, definitely sending their best!
One of Santos' committee assignments was to the House science committee, which tells you everything you need to know about what Republicans think of science.
Shows what you know. George Santos has won TWO Nobel prizes in the sciences.
Phrenology and Haruspex
I want the subcommittees on alchemy and astrology!
The Nancy Reagan Memorial Committee on Astrology?
Chaired by the ghost of Joan Quigley!
AbomiNation is Us.
If you go look up the definition of "terrorism" that the federal government uses, what Pena did fits that definition EXACTLY. He is a domestic terrorist.
But, he's also a Republican. So Merrick Garland is doing his usual thing of completely ignoring this incident. I guess we can't have the Department of Justice politicizing domestic terrorism by investigating anything like this.
Garland is far and away the worst attorney general of my lifetime. And that lifetime includes John Mitchell, Ed Meese, Alberto Gonzales, and Bill Barr.
With those updates could rewrite that old classic "Haldeman, Ehrlickman, Mitchell and Dean"
"Garland, Gonzalez, Ed Meese and Barr" with piano accompaniment, by Tom Lehrer.
Gad, just imagine him as a Supreme Court Justice.... bleah
Now now, you just don’t appreciate what a master stroke his nomination was. He’s so reasonable and retirement-aged that the Repubs couldn’t possibly reject him! [clears throat] “Mr McConnell, please proceed.” [Very Serious Law-Knowers swoon, high-five each other]
When Pena announces for the Presidency, Garland will have no choice but to hand his case over to yet another Special Prosecutor. And, to show that the investigation is completely not-political, Garland will be forced to choose someone who donated to Pena's campaign.
You left out song stylist John Ashcroft.
Ashcroft at least refused to do blatantly unconstitutional shit despite being hospitalized.
Doing the Republican Limbo, squeezing under a subterranean bar.
You spelled 'Limbaugh' wrong. Meaning's pretty much the same tho.
LET THE EAGLE SOAR!!!
"I used to respect the military, my dad was in, but now they’re gay and have pronouns"
Woulda gave ya 2 marks, but then I read this:
"Then he sighed, shrugged, and drank the beer that he did not have held against his eye"
Now THERE's a 2-mark phrase worthy of 3 marks. I smile reading, rereading, and cetera.
The line between the Times and satire is thin, indeed.
It’s like Twin Peaks when the red curtains of the Black Lodge become visible, superimposed upon the woods.
When I announce my candidacy, it will be a DMV parking lot in North Dakota.
DMV's is the new Post Office. Dangerous work environments...
… in „Why-Not Minot“ no less.
A PR People's Choice Award is due for that little gem. One of the reasons why not might be the 150 nukes surrounding the town*, but not for me to determine.
*I googled "Why-Not Minot" and the first thing I got was from Task&Purpose, titled "Why so many airmen hate Minot Air Force Base"
"Why Not Minot" came in first in the slogan contest run by the local Chamber of Commerce, runners-up include:
"Minot, you could do worse, although that would take some effort"
"Minot, it's Meh-velous!"
Because the Four Seasons Total Landscaping parking lot smacks of elitism.
FOUR seasons? Why, I remember back when you could get a full year for only THREE seasons! Thanks a lot, Biden!
Well, a bunch of elitists got smacked around there, so there's hope...
Thanks for the reminder. That fateful morning I happened across the initial posting about the Great Four Seasons Extravaganza from a BBC reporter who was first to figure it out. I immediately searched the entire digital world and found the place on a map, along with everything from employee ratings of management at ANOTHER Four Seasons Landscaping whose entire web presence was deleted before the end of that day, to the highlights of the adult bookstore's inventory, to the inhabitants of the jail down the street, and all the rest of it. Was one of the few times in my life I got out ahead of the story and could report it out to my little cohort. General hilarity ensued. Corporal punishment was applied. Private parts were abused.
Shot up by thugs? I think you mean "overly enthusiastic political neophytes."
Excessively boisterous individuals expressing their 2A rights!
Normal tourists.
Thanks, Sol - I call him Sol when I'm not calling him You Bastard - for making NM a laughingstock.
Don't worry, New Mexico, I'm not laughing AT you, I'm terrified OF you.
"Restive" is such a perfect example of Times-wordsmanship, often used to describe certain provinces of a foreign country where thousands are dying in a bloody civil war*, now we're finally bringing "restive" home. Make America Restive Again!
*I'm sure you've seen the parodies where someone writes about the US in the style the Times uses for the furriners: "In the restive southwestern province of New Mexico..."
Yesterday the Times called the debt ceiling threat a "perennial source of partisan brinkmanship," instead of "an annual rite of extortion by Republican extremists during a Democratic presidency." The article also didn't mention that Republicans had no problem whatsoever raising the debt ceiling 3 times for Donald Trump, who had no problem signing all three increases. But hey, I'm just a commenter on the Internet and they're the newspaper of record.
Likewise, the Sudetenland was a perennial source of international brinksmanship. Does any more need to be said? No, I don't think so.
I was actually pretty impressed that a guy with 19 felony convictions could still get nearly 30% of the vote, running as a Republican. I remember when Republicans were all "Lock 'em up and throw away the key", it's encouraging to see so many of them willing to offer an ex-con a hand up.
"They're bringing crime, they're bringing drugs, they're rapists--and some I suppose are good people. . ."
Looks like they finally found one of the good ones! (or two, if you're going to count George Costanza-Santos, member of Congress and head latex salesman for Vandelay Industries )
I know I'm an asshole for asking, but FFS, I thought this was real again. I may need a spoiler alert or tone indicator or something.
I got to the MTG churros remark before I thought, well she COULD have said it...
Wasn't this something Elmo wanted for Twitter? "You can engage in satire, but it must be clearly labeled SATIRE." And I think he was actually serious, because his tweet about this didn't say SATIRE at the beginning.
The Verge/NY Magazine have a great, long piece about the Elmo takeover at Twitter. It's like he decided to do it while drunk or stoned, and it's taken him 3 months to wake up and say, "Wait--that really happened?"
Some More News did a nice Elon takedown.
https://youtu.be/RlL4xvn6xWE
Some More News is awesome and also responsible for many many wasted hours and so much lost productivity on my part, damn them.
Same here. I wish their clips were shorter, but damned if I can figure out where the edits would go. (Well, I probably could, but there would go even more time!)