Never give a sucker an even break

A special visitor to the Oval

[Oval Office. TRUMP is at the desk; seated in a wheelchair in front of him is the TRIPLE AMPUTEE IRAQ VETERAN who did the GoFundMe to raise money for the Wall.]

TRUMP: So, let’s see, you’ve raised about $20 million for the wall, is that right?

TRIPLE AMPUTEE: Yes sir. Last time I looked.

TRUMP: You think it could be more.


TRUMP: Very impressive. And it hasn’t slowed down?

TRIPLE AMPUTEE: The fundraising? Well, sure, it’s slowed a little, sir. But I think when we get some pictures of yourself and myself together, and people see that you’re behind it, why, it’ll take off like a rocket again.

TRUMP: So it’s slowed down, is what you’re saying.

TRIPLE AMPUTEE: Well, yes, sir. For the moment.

TRUMP: I see.

[TRUMP scribbles on a piece of paper.]

TRUMP: OK, Brian, here’s what I want you to do. I want you to take that money and I want you to wire it to this bank account. And we’ll put it to work on the wall right away.

[Holds out paper. TRIPLE AMPUTEE looks confused a moment, then wheels himself to the desk; he finds then that he can’t reach the piece of paper TRUMP is holding.]

TRIPLE AMPUTEE: [laughing apologetically] Sorry, Mr. President, this darn wheelchair just won’t let me reach.

TRUMP: Well, I can’t get up, it’s a security thing. Tell you what, I’ll ball it up and throw it to you.

[TRUMP does so, but it falls on the floor. TRIPLE AMPUTEE looks at the President.]

TRUMP: So, can you get that? I hear you get in and out of that chair pretty good by yourself. It’s very inspirational, they tell me, I’d like to see it.

[TRIPLE AMPUTEE lowers himself to the floor, crawls to the paper, puts it in his pocket, then pulls himself back up into his chair. The process takes a minute or two, during which TRUMP plays with his phone. Pause.]

TRIPLE AMPUTEE: Mr. President? I’m back in my chair now. [Reads note.] “Gazprombank.” Never heard of that one.

TRUMP: Very big bank. I think they’re based in Delaware. Very reliable people. They’ll take care of everything.

TRIPLE AMPUTEE: [Putting paper away] Okay, Mr. President. We'll do our part.

TRUMP: OK, Brian, good talking to you. Wish I could spend more time, really, but I have to talk to the president of Yugoslavia about something important.

TRIPLE AMPUTEE: Are you going to take pictures now, Mr. President?

TRUMP: [Hits red button on desk.] I’m afraid not. It’s another security thing. In fact, Brian, I’d appreciate it you didn’t mention to anyone that you were here today.

TRIPLE AMPUTEE: I don’t understand. I have to say, sir, this would be great publicity for our wall. If we had pictures, and maybe a statement? We’d make, oh, another 50, maybe 100 million easily.

TRUMP: And it breaks my heart we can’t do it. Believe me, I would love to see that money. But sometimes you can’t say everything you know. Listen, you were in the service, right?

TRIPLE AMPUTEE: Yes, sir. That’s how I lost —

TRUMP: So you know about top-secret missions. Well, I want you to consider this a top-secret mission for the wall. You and I would both like the publicity, but sometimes you have to make the sacrifice. You understand.

TRIPLE AMPUTEE: I— I guess so.

TRUMP: So I have your word on that.


TRUMP: Good, good, when this is all over we’ll get you a Medal of Honor. The good one, the Congressional one.


TRUMP: Hey, look who’s here. My lovely daughter Ivanka. Ivanka, this is Brian, he’s a war hero. We had some business to discuss, I can’t say what.

IVANKA: [shaking TRIPLE AMPUTEE’s hand; brightly, as if to a child] Hi, Brian! It’s so good to meet you! What war were you in?

TRUMP: OK, fellas. See ya, Brian.

[The SECRET SERVICE AGENTS wheel TRIPLE AMPUTEE away; IVANKA starts to follow.]

TRUMP: Sweetheart.

[IVANKA looks; TRUMP gestures. She comes over to him.]

TRUMP: [Quietly] Listen, after you get him out of the bank, have the boys drop him in Virginia somewhere. If he asks why —

IVANKA: — say it’s part of the mission. [Makes the “OK” sign.]

TRUMP: That’s my girl.

[Butterfly kisses, and CURTAIN]