Never their own fault

The ol' double reverse

[In place of BOLT UPRIGHT we see CHAFE DRAMATURGY on camera, wearing the ridiculously undersized gray Thom Browne twill high-armhole suit with which he previously embarrassed himself.]

CHAFE DRAMATURGY: Good evening, I’m Chafe Dramaturgy and this is Received Opinion!

[Blasts of brown noise alternating with pink noise, plus sound of theremins tumbled in a drier. On the screen behind UPRIGHT: A limited action cartoon loop showing, on the bottom part of the screen, the heads of Senator Mike Lee, a Klansman, and a gomer in a MAGA hat and, in the thought balloon emanating above them, people in suits and dresses with donkey heads shooting each other. Chyron, flashing: WHY’RE YOU SHOOTING YOURSELF?]

Well, it’s been quite a week! First, the network put Bolt Upright on leave because something he said violated our journalistic objectivity and this is definitely not a free speech issue. I’m Chafe Dramaturgy, filling in, and I wish my old buddy Bolt the best wherever he is and whatever his mental state. No one can replace Bolt, but as a longtime Decision Desk analyst, former New York Times columnist and author of A “Pinch” of Comity: The New York Times’ Secret Ingredient, I’ll do my best.

[Quick background insert of quick montages reflecting DRAMATURGY’s rap.]

Last week the President had a parade that was, and I say this in a non-partisan spirit, measured, becalmed even, no doubt out of respect for the fallen or in anticipation of the about-to-be fallen in the Iran-Israel conflict. Also there were some demonstrations that we’re told were found impressive by those who witnessed them, though our objectivity prevents us from supplying attendance figures or more than a couple of quick pictures of funny signs.

[Some signs are shown with words pixelated.]

Some of the funniest ones were also obscene, which we at Received Opinion of course condemn. The obscenities, I mean, not the censorship.

[The original screen returns.]

But the big news is the shooting of two Minnesota state legislators and their spouses, fatal in two cases, by a man whose biography suggests a hardcore conservative Christian activist — but whom leading Republicans say is actually a liberal!

[MUGSHOT of assassin Vance Luther Boelter in background.]

Vance Luther Boelter may have had a list of Democrats he wanted to murder and a list of abortion providers he wants to murder and a history of extreme right-wing beliefs. But to Republicans — whose opinions we must all, in fairness, take seriously — that was all just a cover for the real crime of Dem on Dem violence. News outlets are still trying to respond to the conspiracy theories floated by some — I stress, only some — fringe — and I stress, only fringe — conservatives such as the New York Post and U.S. Senator Mike Lee.

A lot to unpack there! Off now to the Decision Desk.

[Ethereal screech. DRAMATURGY goes to the Desk where we find PEONI DOYENNE, wearing a John Paul Ataker draped rose detailed jacket and skirt in cream with a matching Victorian bonnet, and Christian Louboutin leche Mary Janes; and long-missing panelist BUFF TOEHOLD, looking sweaty and waxen in a Tom Ford Atticus Gold Suit, a filmy white shirt over a white t-shirt, a long red tie, and Civil War era brogans.

Buff, good to see you out of disguise! Get to you in a minute —

[TOEHOLD stares murder and flares his nostrils at DRAMATURGY.]

— Peoni, what do you make of this?

DOYENNE: Well, my heart goes out to whatshername’s and whatshisname’s family and I’m sure God has already forgiven their part in last week’s senseless violence.

DRAMATURGY: Their part in the violence? What do you mean?

DOYENNE: [Chortles] Ha ha, Chafe, I knew you’d play it just the way Bolt would, calling me to account! It does you credit. But seriously, you know how agitated Democrats get. Conservatives can coolly assess the upside and downside of sending immigrants to foreign concentration camps or sending Marines to arrest citizens in Los Angeles. But Democrats! They act as if it’s some kind of a moral issue. As if there could be a moral issue, with immigrants on one side and Marines on the other! No wonder some ordinary people get a little riled and want to show their displeasure.

DRAMATURGY: And murder two people.

DOYENNE: [Chortles] Look out, now, Chafe, I see you turning into Bolt already! Except for your little confirmation suit, of course.

DRAMATURGY: [Cringing slightly] It was short notice and I didn’t have anything more sober! OK, Buff, well, over to you.

[TOEHOLD is breathing heavily, eyes vacant, his head going from side to side.]

TOEHOLD: I’ll tell – I’ll tell – I’ll tell you what I –

[TOEHOLD staggers to his feet and pulls a pistol from his jacket, points it at DRAMATURGY, DOYENNE, camera operators, etc. Screams, chaos.]

Time for you! Time for you! Time for you to face! Your crimes! You! Your crimes! Crime against yourself because it’s not me! Not me! No, not me shooting. Shooting you, you are shooting you, stupid libs, ha ha ha, yes you libs you are shooting yourselves, you are shooting yourselves, you libs are shooting yourselves –

[We see a figure in the background and as it races up behind TOEHOLD we recognize it as that of BOLT UPRIGHT, dressed in gym clothes. He leaps and with a crash takes TOEHOLD down. PAGES swarm and disarm TOEHOLD and haul his limp figure away. UPRIGHT takes a handkerchief from the pocket of his gym shorts and wipes his brow as DRAMATRUGY and DOYENNE stare at him.]

UPRIGHT: Well, don’t thank me.

DOYENNE: Oh, Bolt, you were magnificent!

DRAMATURGY: I was going to try reasoning with him.

UPRIGHT: I bet. [Squints at DRAMATURGY] Did you put your dry cleaning in the washing machine again, Chafe?

DRAMATURGY: Ha ha.

DOYENNE: Comes the commercial break I’ll get my purse and we’ll toast your return.

UPRIGHT: [To the camera] In the words of LL Cool J, don’t call it a comeback, but I am grateful to our floor manager Lyle Ghent who figured something funny was going on with Buff — not that it takes brains to figure it out, Paul!

[UPRIGHT cocks a snook toward stage left. Back to the camera:]

When we come back, a nice long talk about how stupid everything is and Rand Paul will not be appearing!

[UPRIGHT reaches into his pants pocket, grabs something and tosses it at the camera; before the horrible music can begin, we hear a momentary puff and the screen goes blessedly black and silent.]