New worlds to conquer

The tragedy of Little Marco and Caligulous

[The Throne Room at Mar-a-Lago. DONALD TRUMP is wearing his Jackie-Gleason-in-Miami-Beach outfit. He stands talking to his flunkies: DIBBS, the superannuated cauliflower-eared mug in the old-fashioned butler’s outfit, and PINSY, the Filipino houseboy, wearing fatigue shorts, flip-flops, and an oversize Katy Perry t-shirt. DIBBS and PINSY are attentive to TRUMP; DIBBS is holding a paperback book, with his finger holding a place.]

TRUMP: Dibbs, what ya readin’?

DIBBS: Key to Rebecca. Ken Follett.

TRUMP: You know I read a lot. I been reading about Caligulous.

DIBBS: Caligula.

TRUMP: What? No, dummy: Caligulous. Caligula is a girl’s name.

[To PINSY:]

This guy thinks Caligulous is a girl.

[PINSY flashes a smile but emits no sound. To DIBBS:]

You never saw them Roman movies, back in the Hollywood golden age? Girl names end in vowels. The girls were Cleopatra and Nefertiti, and the men were like Spartacus, Hercules, and, and Bob Crassus. Now, that one ya gotta remember: Sittin’ on Scrooge’s shoulder like Emmanuel Lewis.

DIBBS: [Shrugs]

TRUMP: OK, So, this Caligulous, he’s got it all. All the money, the power, the beautiful women, prostitutes who’ll do anything, he says, it’s not enough, I want everything. I want the moon. Only I don’t just want it like, I say, “the moon belongs to me now,” and call it American Moon. Which I could do easy. But he wants the moon on a plate. You ever hear the joke about the Italian comes to New York?

DIBS: Yeah.

TRUMP: It’s funny. OK. So this Italian guy goes to New York, and he comes back to Italy and tells his friends he didn’t like it. They ask why. He says “Mamma Mia, I go to dis hotel, and dey got a rest’rant, and dey gotta pie on da table, wid plates, and ev’ybody got a piss, but I don’t got a piss. I tell da waiter, ‘’ey, I wanna piss.’ Waiter says ,‘Ev’ybody wanna piss.’ I say ‘yeah, but I wanna piss on da plate!’ ‘AH GEDDADDAHERE YA CRAZY ITALIAN!’ he says.”

[Silence. TRUMP is mad.]

Hey, wake up, this is a joke, alright? And it’s got two more parts! Screw it.

[As if it just occurred to him:]

Maybe that’s why I keep you monkeys around. ‘Cause you don’t blow smoke up my ass. Anyone else would laugh, go yeah boss, you’re better than Milton Berle. Which I am. But you guys, you’re something else. You know Caligulous had one like that. Only one, though.

[TRUMP’s phone goes off. He takes it out and looks at the screen. He puts it back in his pocket, takes out an inhaler, presumably of The Formula, and takes a few deep snorts.]

OK, you guys get a load of this.

[MARCO RUBIO comes in.]

RUBIO: [As he enters.] Good morning, Mr. President.

[TRUMP pretends not to see him, but when RUBIO gets to within seven feet of him TRUMP raises a hand in a “halt” gesture; RUBIO halts. TRUMP then makes a “down” gesture, as one might make to a dog. RUBIO ducks his head like Charlie Brown after losing the big game, then, tentatively, advances. DIBBS and PINSY snicker; the former hums “Chistmastime is Here” from “A Charlie Brown Christmas.” RUBIO stands in this dejected attitude before Trump.]

TRUMP: [sharply to DIBS] Hey! Lay off. This is the Secretary of State. [To RUBIO] Hey Marco, I got a new deal I want you can make. You can pick up your head, by the way.

[RUBIO does so.]

Listen, I wanna get back that place in Africa we used to run.

RUBIO: Sir?

TRUMP: You know the one. The place Lincoln wanted to send the slaves.

RUBIO: You mean Liberia, sir.

TRUMP: [Wincing] No, stupid, that’s where the Eskimos live. Why would I send dinges to Siberia? They hate the cold weather. Maybe as punishment, but when we make that prison deal with Putin we actually make more money if we don’t own it.

RUBIO: No, sir, LI-beria, sir, LI-beria.

TRUMP: [Pretending offense] What’s that, some joke? Like the way people say I lie? You goin’ woke on me?

RUBIO: [Completely flustered, sputtering, laughing] Sir, that’s really the name of the place, Liberia, it was named for Liberty! Liberty, Liberia! You see?

TRUMP: Doesn’t make sense. Anyway, I want you to get it.

RUBIO: May I ask why, Mr. President?

TRUMP: ‘cause we had it and we don’t have it and we want it back, that’s why.

RUBIO: Well, sir, Liberia was never an American colony. My history is a little rusty, but the natives made a deal with a group of Quakers —

TRUMP: Hey, hey, that ain’t history. That’s old news. Know what’s history? Lincoln wanted the slaves to go to Liberia and he sent some and they got off easy and they double-crossed us and we got stiffed.

[To DIBBS and PINSY:]

You know where else he wanted to send the slaves? Panama.

[TRUMP nods; DIBBS and PINSY nod back. TRUMP looks at RUBIO.]

Ties it up nice, right? So we’re gonna get it back. Get a envoy or whatever it is.

[Pause.]

RUBIO: So, sir, I assume you’ll want to make a public statement about this before we engage the diplomatic process.

TRUMP: Like with Greenland and Canada.

RUBIO: Well, yes sir.

TRUMP: See, I figured you’d say that. That’s your whole racket. I say I want something, you go hide someplace till it blows over. Well, this time you tell everybody I want Liberia. You tell them how great the idea is. How we deserve it, how we got cheated. You can’t think up the words, I send you Miller to help you.

RUBIO: Surely, sir, your personal magnetism is what we need — I’m just a nobody, but if you tell the people they should have Liberia then surely —

[RUBIO notices TRUMP is making the “down” gesture; he drops his head and is silent.]

TRUMP: “Personal magnetism.” I know what you think, Little Marco. You think you’re better than me. Classy. Debonair. You think like you’re in the musical with that other beaner, with the ruffled shirt and the founding fathers. Like they’d piss on you. You get in there with the really classy people, they think, here’s this little Cuban jerkoff, [stomps his feet, affects a ridiculous accent] Cuba Libre Cuba Libre! Castro took the farm from mi Mami and Papi! They come to Florida, run some stores, they think they’re white.

[TRUMP takes a big pull from the inhaler.]

You ain’t white. You’ll never be white. If you had any guts you’d quit like the oilman. He was a fuckin’ idiot but he wasn’t a fool. He thought he’d make some money. You, you want your picture on the wall. You think you’re Thomas Jefferson. You’re George Jefferson. Except Spanish, like that skinny guy on Sanford and Son. “Mr. Sangford! Mr. Sangford!” Only he was tall at least. You’re a joke. Now get the fuck out of here and do a press release says we want Liberia. You got 48 hours. Get out of here.

[RUBIO turns around.]

No! You back out of the fucking room like I’m a king!

[RUBIO freezes a moment, then, head still down, he turns and walks backward out of the room. When he’s out, PINSY and DIBBS guffaw.]

Next time one of you get behind and trip him. Whattaya think? That was pretty good. Maybe next I put a horse in the Senate.

PINSY: Whores in the Senate?

TRUMP: No, dummy, a horse! But that’s not a bad idea.

PINSY: Estacia at de bar, she be a good Senator.

TRUMP: A horse, though, that’s what Caligulous did.

DIBBS: [Reading his book] Caligula.

TRUMP: How many times I gotta tell ya! That’s a girl name!

PINSY: Like Nero!

[TRUMP freezes. Suddenly he runs at PINSY, who runs away; the chase goes on, as DIBBS reads his book.]