NIH meets WTF

"Science," hah! He'll show THEM some science!

©2024 Gage Skidmore, used under a Creative Commons license.

[An exam room at the Clinical Center of the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, Maryland. Clean white walls, exam table, vital signs monitor stand, computer monitors, etc. The young DR. ELLMAN and the younger DR. ASHAM, both in traditional white coats, are standing around MARY SHALIMAR, a 35-year-old woman in a blue Rice University sweatshirt, jeans, and blue Asics who is seated at the edge of the table. The doctors are serious but not solemn; in fact they’re somewhat cheerful. SHALIMAR is a little tense but picking up on and encouraged by the doctors’ attitude.]

DR. ELLMAN: So, the tumors have reduced even more than we expected, based on the performance of the drug, which is great, and you seem to tolerate it well, so Dr. Asham and I see no reason why you can’t keep taking the Welireg at the same dosage and we’ll see you in six months.

SHALIMAR: OK.

DR. ELLMAN: I think you said your insurance hasn’t changed?

SHALIMAR: No, thank God! Lyle’s still with the Houston PD and we got that good IN-surance.

DR. ELLMAN: Good, good. Then no problem. Dr. Asham, anything from you?

DR. ASHAM: [Faint Indian accent] No, I’m just so very glad you’re getting such a good result from the Welireg.

SHALIMAR: Aw! Me too!

DR. ELLMAN: Yeah, it really is a wonder drug for people with VHL.

DR. ASHAM: We still have to see the results from the —

[Quick knock on the exam room door, followed by ROBERT F. KENNEDY JR. barging in. He is dressed in a coral BellaNiecele bell sleeve button down tunic shirt, a black vest, billowy light green linen beach trousers, hippie wrist bracelets, black Hokas, and a hat like Gandalf’s. He also wears a bandolier with little tincture bottles in it instead of bullets.]

KENNEDY: ‘Scuse me, hello, you’re Mary, aren’t you? I’m pleased to meet you. [Does not offer his hand.]

SHALIMAR: Uh, yes, I’m Mary. And you are?

KENNEDY: I’m Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services.

SHALIMAR: Oh, OK!

KENNEDY: So I sort of run the place. These two quacks haven’t been giving you any trouble, have they?

SHALIMAR: Ha ha, no, they’re great as a matter of fact.

KENNEDY: Really? You think they’re great? Be honest, now. Don’t worry about what they think because I’m telling you, they’re almost out the door along with the rest of these pill-pushers.

SHALIMAR: Out the — wait, you mean you were serious about them being quacks? Because I have to tell you these gentlemen, they saved my life, as far as I’m concerned.

KENNEDY: Well, I know that’s what they want you to think. Now, you have cancer, right?

DR. ASHAM: Ms. Shalimar has neuroendocrine tumors on the tail of her pancreas that —

KENNEDY: Hey! Hey! I’m talking to the lady, alright? You just stand back and don’t try any more of your big pharma tricks on her.

SHALIMAR: Now just a minute! I think that’s very rude.

KENNEDY: Rude? I’ll tell you what’s rude. Getting a healthy young woman like you addicted to pills. What kind did they hook you on?

[SHALIMAR gets off the table and stands up to KENNEDY.]

SHALIMAR: For your information, Mr. Kennedy, my tumors were almost two centimeters and growing before I started taking Welireg, and now they’re down to half a centimeter. One of them disappeared!

KENNEDY: I’ll bet that’s what they told you. You want to know something, if your tumors shrank it’s because you healed yourself with positive thoughts and good diet. Now you look a little heavy to me so right off the bat I see we’ll have to do something about that.

DR. ELLMAN: Mr. Kennedy, this is our patient, and —

KENNEDY: [To ELLMAN] Shut up, butcher. [To SHALIMAR] What about positive thoughts? Do you think positive thoughts? I mean every day for at least two hours.

SHALIMAR: I hate to tell you, Mr. Kennedy, I’m not thinking very positive thoughts right now.

KENNEDY: Resistance. It’s natural. You’re so doped up on this Welireg stuff you don’t know what’s good for you.

DR. ASHAM: Mr. Kennedy, please, you’re agitating our patient!

KENNEDY: [To ASHAM] Am I? I’m the one agitating her, am I? What country are you from, anyway [making air quotes], Doctor? President Trump and I can get you sent you back there very quickly so I’d watch it if I were you. Don’t fuck with me. My dad was tight with Roy Cohn.

[KENNEDY flings his Gandalf hat aside and puts his ear against SHALIMAR’s abdomen, pushing her against the table.]

DR. ELLMAN: [To ASHAM] Sukhbir, get the patient advocate.

[DR. ASHAM runs out. SHALIMAR violently shoves KENNEDY away.]

SHALIMAR: Get the damn hell off me! Are you even a doctor? No you are not! I want my doctors to take care of me and I want you out of this room!

KENNEDY: Listen, young lady, even with your hysterical interruption I was able to hear what’s going on. Your pancreas is screaming “Stop poisoning me with drugs! I want to heal myself!” You know what you need?

[KENNEDY pulls a vial out of his bandolier, holds it out to SHALIMAR.]

Here. This is Dr. Bach’s Rescue Remedy. It helps your body heal itself. You don’t need all these pills and potions to get rid of this so-called cancer. You just have throw away these stupid ideas you have and let your body heal itself!

[DR. ASHAM rushes in with a young black woman in a smart business suit.]

SHALIMAR: [Nearly screaming] How are you telling me how to cure my illness when you can’t even heal your stupid voice! [Imitates him] ARRGH GARGLE ARRRGH! TAAAAKE THIS BAAAHTULL AARGH GURGLE URGLE URGLE! FUCK YOU!

[KENNEDY reels back against the wall, his tiny pig eyes darting back and forth, clutching his vial. SHALIMAR leans back on the exam table and holds her head in her hands. The young black woman goes to SHALIMAR and puts her hands on her shoulders.]

YOUNG WOMAN: Ms. Shalimar, hi, my name’s Sandy Beck, I’m the NCI patient advocate and I’m so sorry this man has upset you.

KENNEDY: Man! I’m the Secretary of Health and Human Services! And I upset her? I upset her?

[KENNEDY struts around the room, raving.]

Everyone in this place, the solutions to all their problems is right inside them, all they have to do meditate and take vitamins and Bach’s Remedies and drink raw milk and maybe take heroin like I did! Healing heroin, not the crap they have since Big Pharma got hold of it! And what do you do! You just trick and confuse them into thinking they need drugs and surgery and vaccines! I’m going to fire all of you and burn this place to the ground and put up yurts and menstrual huts and great fields of healing weeds in its place and make America healthy again, like it was before those monsters Jenner and Lister and Pasteur destroyed everything! You watch! YOU WATCH!

[KENNEDY runs out of the room, throwing to the ground as he goes vials from his bandolier as if he were The Joker and they were smoke bombs. When he’s gone the others visibly relax. Then suddenly KENNEDY returns, grabs his hat, and thrusts his face at the others.]

[Snarls] Some people see things as they are and ask why; I dream things that never were and ask why not!

[KENNEDY flees; sound on metal cart overturning heard outside.]