© 2011 Gage Skidmore under a Creative Commons license
Friends, you may think of me as a man who has it all. I am heard on the biggest news-talk station in the country many hours a day, where I discuss major issues with major conservative thinkers like Neil Boortz and Sheriff David Clarke, and have occasionally been blessed to fill in for the great Rush Limbaugh, God bless his magnificent soul, and if I am called one day to fill his shoes I pray to Jesus Christ our Savior I will be equal to the challenge.
But though my blessings are huge they are not unmixed. Sometimes the Lord tasks and tests me by giving opportunities to my adversaries. Though true Americans like yourselves understand me without needing an interpreter, liberals are always pretending not to get what I’m saying and twisting it to try and make me look ridiculous. When I shot holes in a copy of the New York Times and put a picture of it online, for example, they pretended not to know I was making a statement about the media’s ridiculous gun control positions, and portrayed me as a lunatic. Just the other day they said I was “fawning over the monarchy” just because I pointed out that Prince Harry and that very un-royal woman he married — Meghan Markle is no “English rose,” let’s put it that way! — are “shameful woke millennial grifters.” I wasn’t even making a big deal out of it. Didn’t I say that “we shouldn’t care” and “I resent having to discuss this” in the very same 600-word article?
In the same way, when I laid out my alternative to liberals’ gun control proposals after the Boulder shooting, they mocked and belittled me. Yet the joke is on them because their hollow laughter shows how little they know about ordinary Americans. Here is what I said:
Instead of trying to confiscate people's guns and make it harder to buy them, we should make every one in this country own a gun and know how to use it. Give a federally allocated handgun to every single American. But in order to get the gun, you have to go learn gun safety and how to use it, and when not to use it. Arm every American citizen so that when the shooter goes to the grocery store they know that ten out of ten people in that grocery store are going to have a gun on them.
Here is where the oh-so-”woke” liberals — who I like to call “Woke-o Haram” as well as “Too Woke Girls,” “Woke-o for Woke-o Puffs,” “Woke-lahoma,” and, when they are being sexually permissive in their entertainments as well as "woke,” “Wo- Kalcutta” — show their ignorance of real America. They pointed out, as if it needed to be pointed out, that giving everyone a gun meant also giving guns to people who want to kill you — including the people who I have complained many, many times want to kill me. They laughed and laughed at the idea of making everyone in the country carry a loaded gun and thinking it would lead to less gun violence.
But what real Americans like you know and the liberals don’t is that I just say whatever comes into my head that sounds good at the moment and I don’t really think about or care whether it makes sense or not. For example, what I just said may have shocked you for a moment, but then I bet you thought about how liberals would react to it — how owned they would be, sputtering and dropping their fancy wine glasses, looking all stiff and corny like English people, or like the uptight parents in the music videos we don’t let our children watch — and suddenly none of that mattered to you anymore. Good for Erick, you thought, he’s driving ‘em crazy!
I bet you felt the same way when I said we should give everyone a gun. It didn’t matter that it sounded stupid if you thought about it long enough to notice it sounded stupid. It only mattered that liberals would hate it.
This is what Jesus meant when He said that we must become like little children again. You know how a bunch of little kids will surround some other little kid who may be smarter than they are, but who has a way of talking or a deformity or something else that bothers them, and how they’ll pick on that little kid until the kid cries or goes away. Jesus knew that too, and when we act like those children, yelling at the little libtard child, oblivious to what this fallen world considers “woke” or “right” or “sane,” we are doing His will.
Do not lose faith, my friends. It’s worked so far. Why wouldn’t it work forever?
“This is what Jesus meant when He said we must become like little children again.” I. Am. Screaming.
Christian conservatives are the best type of conservatives because they are continually coming out with absolute howlers. For example, I love how some of them *highlighted* the fact the Atlanta massage parlor killer attended an evangelical church IN HIS DEFENSE. As if we don’t know that conservative white Christians are MORE likely to be hate-filled racists, misogynists, LGBTQ-phobes, etc. than the average person, but with a paper-thin decoupage of Jesus on top as their cover story.
If there was one good thing about Trumpism, it was how it ripped the mask off their whole As-Christians-We-Adhere-To-Principled-And-Deeply-Held-Moral-Beliefs scam. Even the normies see through them now.
"Here is where the oh-so-'woke' liberals — who I like to call 'Woke-o Haram' as well as 'Too Woke Girls,' 'Woke-o for Woke-o Puffs,' 'Woke-lahoma,' and, when they are being sexually permissive in their entertainments as well as 'woke,' 'Wo- Kalcutta' — show their ignorance of real America."
"Wo-Susanna, don't you cry for me, I'm going to see Rhianna with a gun strapped to my knee."