One Weird Trick

The President pitches the nation

[TRUMP on stage with the usual gang of idiots.]

TRUMP: Okay, let’s go. I’m gonna dispense, is I think the word, gonna dispense with the introductions and so forth because, except to say everybody here is doing a great job and less and less people are getting sick and many of these who do get sick are getting better, so that’s, you see how great this is. We’re gonna beat this thing and then the economy is gonna take off like a rocket and everyone will be healthier than they ever were, because their immunity is all built up, in fact they’ll be like supermen — and superwomen, can’t forget the ladies, and also African American.

If you’re still concerned about the virus, I have good news for you because we have a way to make the problem less bad or better, more better, actually this could solve the whole thing. You remember I told you about Chloroquine, the wonder drug they call it, it heals people from lupus and Monrovia and some other things that are very bad, and how it’s good for this virus too, or bad for it in the sense it kills it and it dies, so they tell me, I don’t know anything, well I know something. You know, we got some very bad negative thinking from this doctor you saw up here, and you see now that he’s gone because he’s just so negative and we couldn’t take it, and we wish him the best.

Now we’re trying to get these checks to people through the Congress and the Democrats are doing very bad, but the checks will be sent and a lot of people ask me sir, sir, what can we buy with these checks? Because food and houses and everything is so cheap thanks to your terrific economy. And the answer is you can buy Chloroquine, because we’re giving it to people at a very reasonable price.

Now we don’t want to mix this Chloroquine up with the government because of rules we have against it, so we created a special task force to handle the Chloroquine, headed by my daughter Ivanka, and my sons Donald Jr. and Eric. They’ll make it available under the name T2, the T you can guess what it means, and they’ll make it available at prices so low they really won’t be making any money but that’s why we’re here, to help people who need help. We said we were lowering drug prices and that’s what we’re doing, right Alex?

ALEX AZAR, SECRETARY OF HHS: Yes, sir.

TRUMP: Terrific. And you don’t even need a prescription. You can just grab it off the shelves. And should see it on the shelves this week — we’re making plenty of it so don’t worry about hoarding or shortages, in fact, you should buy a lot of it because you never know, I heard, I don’t know but I heard that a lady caught coronavirus twice, you don’t want to get caught with no T2 Chloroquine in the house when you get an attack or a fit or whatever it is they get. And you should take a lot of it. Take a lot. You should take a lot but not too much, it says on the package how much is too much —

[TRUMP takes out a blue package with a fancy T2 CHLOROQUINE logo.]

This is the package, by the way, it looks amazingly good and healthy because it is — [reads from the back] — it says here take only as directed — [Squints] I think one gram? Two grams?

[TRUMP puts the package on the podium, taking care to have it facing the camera.]

Well, you’ll have to read it, but don’t take too little because then it doesn’t work. And there’s no children’s dose because they have to take as much as the grown-ups. Doctor’s orders. And you want to protect those kids. Children are our future. I want to thank our friend Dr. Hahn at the FDA who’s sort of waving this through for us, not making a lot of trouble like the guy we got rid of, good job Steve. And normally we’d have a lot of other things to say but guess what, in a couple minutes if you go to Trump dot com you can pre-order T2 Chloroquine, and we don’t want to keep anyone waiting, so go ahead, get your T2 Chloroquine and then go do some shopping because the problem is solved. Okay.

[TRUMP leaves; AZAR reaches behind a curtain, grabs a bag of golf clubs, and follows. The others disperse in confusion.]