Op Usha

The big Greenland play

[USHA VANCE, in a nice light wool travel suit, enters her suite at the Hotel Arctic Ilulissat in Nuuk, Greenland, surrounded by several Secret-Service-looking plug-uglies, all wearing black suits and sunglasses; unnoticed by her, a couple of the plug-uglies back out into the hallway and close the door behind them.]

USHA: Thank, guys, but it’s been a long flight and a long day. I’d like to get —

[One of the agents tases USHA in the chest and the agents put a no-evidence hit on her like the guys did to Arthur in Michael Clayton. CUT TO Fox News, with Sean Hannity making angry-sad faces at the camera in front of a photo of the deceased and the chyron VENGEANCE FOR USHA.]

HANNITY: She gave Greenland her heart, her soul, her love — this poor, trusting girl who loved the concept of Greenland, who only wanted to be Greenland’s friend! But what did Greenland give her? Rape and murder! What kind of sick, liberal, disgusting animals would savagely assault this beautiful young mother, drag her to one of their many snowy mountaintops, and leave her battered naked body to freeze to death? This is who!

[USHA pic swapped out with closeup of this guy.]

Imagine a whole island filled with ugly sub-human snow-people like this. Notice how they resemble our mortal enemies the Chinese? That’s no coincidence. I have it on good authority that years ago the Chinese came to this island, had relations with dogs, and that was the origin of this race of monsters.

[Pic changes to that of Greenland Prime Minster Múte Bourup Egede, but darkened and shadowed in Photoshop.]

The Greenlanders’ leader, Madman Moo-tay Eggedy, a known antisemite, lies to our faces that his people had nothing to do with this brave young woman’s death. Sounds to me like what they told us about Benghazi!

[Pic changes to that of Hillary Clinton, also darkened and shadowed in Photoshop. CUT TO a study in JD VANCE’s residence at the Naval Observatory; actor JAMES WOODS, in rehearsal clothes, stands and gestures at VANCE, who is perched primly on a stool.]

WOODS: Come on, JD! I know you’re a man, a strong man, but even a strong man breaks sometimes. Think of your Usha! Think of the love you shared, your family —and now it’s been ripped away by these goddamn Greenies! Come on! Let it all out!

[VANCE giggles.]

VANCE: Sorry. Sorry. These things just, I get so embarrassed.

WOODS: It’s OK, it’s OK, there’s no right or wrong. Think of something that gives you a lump in your throat. What about your Mee-Maw? Your beloved Mee-Maw?

VANCE: Sorry, I [coughs] when I think of her I [coughs] — that woman was just smoking all the time, man.

[CUT TO the Oval Office where TRUMP, in his usual checked-out mode, talks to reporters. VANCE and Secretary of Defense PETE HEGSETH are standing behind him.]

TRUMP: So we tried to be nice but now we gotta be not so nice, not so nice at all, matter of fact we’re gonna use the nukes on them, the A-bomb, isn’t that right, Pete.

HEGSETH: [Caught off guard] Absolutely, some kind of nuclear, nuclear in a sense, a response, totally.

TRUMP: There won’t be a tree, a, a bird, a child, a, a lamp, or people, actually, they’ll all be blown the hell away by our big, beautiful nuclear weapons, but it’s what we have to do and if that’s how we have to get Greenland, OK, thanks to this horrible tragedy and JD, JD, I know you must be feeling something big, really feeling it right now, am I right.

[VANCE has a coughing fit. CUT TO a remote farmhouse in Hungary. VANCE’s three children, dressed in rags, are in front of a gigantic crucifix on a whitewashed wall. The two older children stand with rosaries in their hands; the youngest sits on the floor. An elderly couple in Matyo peasant costumes stand nearby; the woman has a bowl of bread crusts and, on a stool beside her, a smaller bowl of milk.]

BOY CHILD: …the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting. Amen.

[The elder children cross themselves.]

PEASANT MAN: Good. Now you eat.

[The WOMAN dips bread crusts in the milk and hand them to the children, who eat.]

Do good more and maybe you see your apa and anya someday.

[DISSOLVE to HEGSETH, in a suit but tieless, sweating, hair disarranged, and holding a Solo cup, in a small, underlit briefing room, at a podium, surrounded by various unsmiling senior officers in uniform.]

REPORTER’S VOICE: Mr. Secretary, to be clear, are you saying the Slack discussion that someone in your office sent to Marisa Kabas was inaccurate and that there have not been twelve hundred and seventy one U.S. casualties since the invasion began?

HEGSETH: You know these Greenies are sneaky little — [as if suddenly hearing what the reporter said to him] No! Absolutely not, we’re winning. Nobody died. Much. Some. We’ll get you numbers but the Greenies, sneaky little Asiatic bastards, they don’t follow the Geneva Conventions. We don’t either, but we tell you up front.

ANOTHER REPORTER: Sir, you said that Denmark was next. What did you mean by that?

HEGSETH: Everything’s on the table. They’re all against us, so we have options. Denmark, Germany, Malta. Everything’s on the table. This is great for us. With NATO we were circumscribed, but now we can just go wild.

[One of the officers can be seen to reach into his jacket, then look around and withdraw his hand. CUT TO TRUMP holding a press conference in a suite at Mar-a-Lago, lying on a chaise lounge, surrounded by several of his cabinet members, including TULSI GABBARD, who fans him with a giant palm leaf.]

TRUMP: I don’t know where Pete is, but he better be getting that A-bomb, or H-bomb or, I don’t know what letter we’re up to. Or else I’m gonna get mad, I’m gonna get very mad. But we’re doing great, we’re gonna kill all these people. It’s like the stock market, you gotta be patient. OK, more good news, JD, you know he’s been lonely since Uma died, but God works like a mystery way, because we had a little ceremony in our chapel and our lovely Attorney General Pam, who has been lonely too since she lost her husband, uh Ricky, lost him under sudden circumstances, I was gonna say mysterious but you know what I mean. Anyway they had a lovely wedding and Melania was the maid of honor and I was the best man, which is true, isn’t it, sweetheart? Let’s get you and JD out here.

[VANCE and PAM BONDI step forward in normal clothes — the usual suit for him, a white skirt-suit with a beige button-down blouse open to the clavicle for her — smiling but not holding hands or otherwise evincing marital bliss.]

Whatsamatter nobody gonna clap?

[One person can be heard clapping loudly.]

I knew I could count on you, Maggie. OK, the rest of you get the hell out. I’m gonna kiss the bride.

[TRUMP heaves himself with difficulty to a sitting position, pauses. BONDI steps forward, kisses TRUMP on the forehead. TRUMP reaches up, grabs her blouse at the neckline and tries repeatedly to tear it off. VANCE looks around and soundlessly laughs.]