Outtakes from the New York Times editorial board interview with Bernie Sanders

Ross Douthat: I assume you are familiar with the study that shows beyond a doubt that if you, personally, don’t convert to an ultra-orthodox sect of Judaism and declare that women being allowed to pray at the Wailing Wall is a, what do you people call it, a shofer, a shunda, then within our lifetime — maybe not your lifetime, because you are so old and frail — Judaism as we know it will cease to exist.

Sanders: I have not heard of this study, but I can tell you it’s a load of hooey. How can anyone —

Douthat: [Shouting] You hear him! You hear him! He doesn’t care what happens to the Jews!

Sanders: That’s ridiculous. I’m a Jew.

Douthat: A deracinated one. Are you even acquainted with the works of Irving Kristol?

Sanders: Where did you say this verkakte study came from?

Douthat: From the — from the — [sotto voce] Rod?

Rod Dreher: [From underneath Douthat’s vestments] “The Death of the Jews” from the Center for Creative Nationalism.

Douthat: What he said! And what’s this “verkakte”? Is it a filthy homosexual practice?

Sanders: Okay, I’m done with this guy.

Douthat: Of course, you’re no match for my Jesuitical logic! [Flounces, trips over Dreher, landing on his crotch]

Douthat and Dreher: No homo! No homo!

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Maggie Haberman: I have a source within your campaign that says you called Pete Buttigieg a “little pisher.”

Sanders: I certainly would never say such a thing about my friend Pete. Who told you that?

Haberman: I can’t tell you, but I verified it with a more highly placed individual within your campaign.

Sanders: Who you also can’t name.

Haberman: That’s right.

Sanders: Let me ask you, is there anyone with a name who has accused me of this?

Haberman: Ha ha, Senator, they all have names, but you can’t have the names.

Sanders: Well, this accusation by alleged people who you can’t identify to me is nonsense, I can tell you that.

Haberman: Excuse me, alleged people? Do you realize how demeaning that is?

Sanders: Of whom? You can’t demean someone who doesn’t exist.

Haberman: Who doesn’t exist! Well, I have an extremely highly placed source in the current administration who would never insult me like this.

Sanders: Can we move on please.

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Ivanka Trump: Why don’t you care about what happens to people suffering under socialism in Venezuela?

Sanders: I can’t believe you brought the president’s daughter in here. I thought this was an editorial board meeting.

Brent Staples: Ms. Trump is on the board now. It’s part of our new fairness initiative.

Sanders: Ms. Trump —

Trump: Call me Ivanka.

Sanders: Ms. Trump, can you tell me please, what is the capital of Venezuela?

Trump: [After a pause] Venezuela City.

Sanders: Do you know who was president of Venezuela before Hugo Chavez?

Trump: Evita Peron. I’m asking the questions, Mr. Sanders.

Sanders: Senator.

Trump: I’m asking the questions, Mr. Senator. Did you know that the iPhone was created by a capitalist?

Sanders: Well, I’m ready for lunch. Thank you all very much.

[Editors crowd around Sanders for selfies to give to their children.]