Padre P.O.

Not sending their best

Unlicensed religious chaplains would be allowed to work in Texas public schools under a bill passed by the Texas Legislature on Wednesday.

Senate Bill 763 was approved in an 84-60 vote in the Texas House, one day after it passed the Texas Senate. It allows Texas schools to use safety funds to pay for unlicensed chaplains to work in mental health roles. Volunteer chaplains will also be allowed in schools…

As with other faith-driven legislation this session — including a bill to require the Ten Commandments in classrooms that failed to reach a crucial vote on Tuesday — conservative Christians argued that religious chaplains could help prevent school shootings, drug use, suicide and other societal ills by returning God to classrooms.

—The Texas Tribune

[A dingy institutional office at a junior high somewhere in Texas. Behind a desk is Chaplain WALSH PATRICK, a nice-looking young white man in fresh suit separates, though his medium-length blond hair is a little stiff and messy. Slumped in a chair in front of this desk is JAKE SANDWICH, a willowy, long-haired 13-year-old in nondescript t-shirt and jeans. Standing behind him near the door is vice-principal JESSUP SAVARIN, a chunky middle-aged man in a baggy blue suit and woven alligator shoes.]

SAVARIN: Alright, Jake, this here’s our new Chaplain, Walsh Patrick. We hired him under the new program. So y’all be good to each other and I’ll see you later.

[SAVARIN leaves. PATRICK smiles at SANDWICH, who seems glum.]

PATRICK: Alright, young fella. What seems to be the trouble?

SANDWICH: Well, sir, I been kinda –

PATRICK: Reverend.

SANDWICH: Oh, sure, well, Reverend, I been kinda down and I know it’s affecting my grades. But I can’t seem to shake it.

PATRICK: Well, you can trust me, Jake. Feel free to tell me what it is that’s bothering you. It won’t go no further than here.

SANDWICH: Really?

PATRICK: Really. I was pastor of the Broken Vessel Rock of Eternity Church for three years, and I kept faith with every one of those thirty-two souls until their dying day.

SANDWICH: OK well, Reverend, I just don’t feel like I belong, Reverend, like sometimes I don’t feel like I belong in my own body.

PATRICK: I see.

SANDWICH: I can’t really say anything to my teachers about it, and not even to my friends, I —

[PATRICK has opened a desk drawer and now removes a large snake; he stands and holds the snake in the air, looking it in the eye, marching in place.]

PATRICK: [Loudly] Hear me O lord! There is evil afoot in your kingdom! But your power that works through me to mesmerize this serpent will repel all uncleanliness! Euuulalala wanna kewanna vruuuuuuu kekekekeke….

[His glossolalia is interrupted by SAVARIN and two POLICE OFFICERS who seize PATRICK and his snake and drag them out the door; one OFFICER uses a baton to carry the snake.]

OFFICER #1: [Just outside the door] Dammit to hell! The goldurn snake bit me.

SAVARIN: Alright, Jake, there’s been a change in plans.

[SAVARIN motions toward the door and SAM GURGLESPIT enters; a man of about 65, with white hair curling at his neckline, he is dressed in a shabby white suit with a black Colonel tie, spats, and patent leather shoes, and chomps an unlit culebra. He takes the seat behind the desk.]

Reverend Gurglespit here is our new chaplain. You just tell him your troubles. So long.

[SAVARIN leaves. GURGLESPIT leans in and squints at SANDWICH.]

GURGLESPIT: Awright now, young’un, is you a boy young’un or a gal young’un?

SANDWICH: I’m a boy, Reverend. At least I was born a boy.

GURGLESPIT: [Nods] I done heared tell ‘bout this sorta thing. Y’all havin’ a transit-tition?

SANDWICH: No, Reverend. It’s just I don’t know what I —

GURGLESPIT: Yo’ folks givin’ ye pills and cuttin’ ye up?

SANDWICH: Reverend, I haven’t had any pills or surgery, I’m just having a hard time, is all, and I came here to talk about it.

GURGLESPIT: Ye ever think ‘about what’d be lahk to hev bress?

SANDWICH: Bress, Reverend?

[GURGLESPIT rubs his own chest with both hands.]

GURGLESPIT: Big, milky ol’ titty-bress lahk what womens has! Ever think ‘bout what thet’d be lahk? Ah know ah hev. Y’know, skinny as y’are, y’all look lahk you could hev titties. The sweet little kine. Bet they feel good! Oooh, wanna touch ‘em –

[GURGLESPIT starts to crawl over the desk toward SANDWICH, knocking papers off it; SAVARIN comes in with two POLICE OFFICERS who grab and remove GURGLESPIT.]

GURGLESPIT: [From just outside] Y’all see how she was dresst!

SAVARIN: Alright, Jake, third time’s the charm.

[NANCY PREDDON, a young woman with styled blond hair, wearing glasses, a gray suit jacket with a while blouse of which the top three buttons are undone, a short grey skirt, and violet pumps, comes in and takes her place behind the desk.]

I know a lady Chaplain is sorta new around these parts, but Reverend Preddon is just as qualified as our other chaplains. OK, good luck.

[SAVARIN leaves. PREDDON leans on the desk, tents her fingers and rests her chin on them.]

PREDDON: Well, hello, Jake!

SANDWICH: Hello.

PREDDON: They didn’t tell me how handsome you were.

SANDWICH: Thank you, Reverend.

[PREDDON gets up.]

PREDDON: Oh, don’t call me Reverend — call me Nancy.

[PREDDON takes off her glasses and puts them on the desk.]

I saw you in the schoolyard, Jake, and I said to myself, mmmm…

[PREDDON comes around the desk and leans her butt against the front of it.]

I hope they assign me to that young man. He looks like someone I could work with.

[PREDDON slides over so she’s directly in front of SANDWICH.]

Do you know what I mean, Jake?

SANDWICH: No, I don’t, Reverend, I mean Nancy I mean.

PREDDON: I mean I know what teenage boys fantasize about. A beautiful woman in an official position, like teacher or a chaplain, who uses her authority to get him in a room all alone with her —

[PREDDON drops her jacket off her shoulders. We can see through the sheer blouse that she’s wearing a push-up bra. She leans in, puts her hands on her thighs.]

— just like I’m doing right now.

SANDWICH: [Looks behind him at the door] Are, are those policemen still out there —

PREDDON: Don’t worry about them, Jake.

[PREDDON puts a hand on his leg.]

Don’t fight it, neither. This is really happening –

[JAKE gets up, tries the door, finds it locked.]

SANDWICH: [A bit loud] I, help, I wanna leave, I wanna get out, help —

[The door opens and SAVARIN comes in with two OFFICERS, all rather subdued.]

SAVARIN: [to PREDDON] Didn’t go for it, huh?

[PREDDON shakes her head.]

Well, we’ve done all we could. [To the OFFICERS] Awright, fellas, go toss his house for evidence of gender-affirming care.

[Minsky pickup, BLACKOUT.]