Patriotic American History Education Module #1

from Trump Educational Industries

[PRESIDENT TRUMP, wearing a suit, is standing in the middle of an 18th-Century scene that looks like Colonial Williamsburg.]

Hi, kids. This is President Trump. Listen, did you know there are these sick people who don’t love America the way I do and the way you do, and I know you do because if you didn’t you wouldn’t be watching this thing right now, you’d be in one of those places where we put the Mexicans. We don’t really do that, I was just making a little joke, because America is all about freedom and, and being free. And that’s what you’ll see in this series, which is part of your patriotic education. Your parents are paying a lot of money for this, so you listen good. OK, first we’re gonna go back hundreds and thousands of years to before the United States was even a country.

[TRUMP waddles over to a storefront; the camera precedes him and finds DONALD TRUMP JUNIOR and ERIC TRUMP in period costume, pulling at and patting a printing press to indicate that they are involved somehow in its operation.]

JUNIOR: This is a good life here in America, Elijah. But the liberal English are killing us with taxes. We must find a way to make them stop.

ERIC: That’s why it’s good we have this newspaper, Jedediah. It’s not fake news like the others. It tells real stories about how the liberal English are ruining this country, taking away our guns, having sex with children in sex dungeons, shooting our policemen, and charging us high liberal taxes.

JUNIOR: When people hear about this they will take up arms against England for sure.

JUNIOR: King George of England got a fake job for his son and took money from the Rothschilds I hear.

ERIC: We must put this into our next newspaper.

[CUT TO: Some other part of this village thing. Secretary of State MIKE POMPEO, Trump campaign advisor JASON MILLER, and acting Homeland Security Secretary CHAD WOLF, all in period dress, sit around a table looking at JUNIOR’s and ERIC’s newspaper and pretending to smoke clay pipes and drink out of tankards.]

POMPEO: Until now I thought the English were good but now I see they are tyrants. Look where it says the village blacksmith was cancelled because he refused to call a man a woman!

WOLF: We haven’t been able to buy a new carriage in years thanks to Sleepy King George’s taxes and the Indians riot every night.

MILLER: It has become clear that if we want to enjoy freedom we must take up arms.

[“SHERIFF” DAVID CLARKE comes in, wearing colonial dress but also his usual cowboy hat.]

POMPEO: Greetings, Mr. Clarke. All men here respect you.

CLARKE: Yes, it’s a shame the English spread fake news about conflict between black and white Americans. I’m much better off here as a slave than I would be as a free black man in Europe, where I would be condescended to.

MILLER: Mr. Clarke, you are street smart. Can you teach us your black ways to fight the English?

CLARKE: Yes, my brother.

[DISSOLVE to a ship in harbor at night. POMPEO, WOLF, MILLER, and CLARKE are wearing Indian costumes and holding boxes marked TEA.]

POMPEO: Please explain to me again how throwing this tea in the water helps us.

CLARKE: It tells the English that we have had enough of their effeminate homosexual and transsexual lifestyle. Americans drink coffee and Coca-Cola! And we don’t play football with our feet!

[They give war-whoops and throw the tea overboard. DISSOLVE TO a courthouse where, still dressed as Indians, the men are seated before a judge played by Attorney General BILL BARR and a jury of colonials wearing red tricorns with the words MAKE AMERICA embroidered on them.]

BARR: The effete prosecuting attorney has been driven from the courtroom, because he knew that no American would convict these men for what they have done. Look, he even left behind his wig!

[BARR holds up a barrister’s wig. Everyone laughs.]

I’m not supposed to say this, but I am the head of all judges and therefore I can do as I like. This is a great day for the country that will be called the United States of America and I am proud to ignore stupid laws that get in the way. Also I must tell you there is a man in Virginia, not in the corrupt Northern part but down where they have farms and boat parades, whose name is Washington and he is destined to be the greatest leader this country has ever seen — except for one who is foretold in the Bible with the initials D.T. — and he will lead us into battle with the English and win!

[Everyone gets up, cheers, and sings and dances to “Cotton-Eye Joe.” CAMERA pulls back to show TRUMP standing in the doorway of thew courthouse. He faces the camera.]

TRUMP: How about that. That took a lotta guts because, you can’t see it there, but the English, they had all the ammunition, they were a tremendous army and navy and air force, but they were weak because they drank tea and, you know, went “cahnt” instead of “can’t” and were basically like a bunch of what we used to call faggots and with God’s help we’re gonna call them that again and nobody can stop us or cancel us or do critical racial this or that or whatever because this is America. This is President Donald Trump saying so long until next time, when we’ll look at President General Washington versus the Mexican Alexander Hamilton.