Patriotic fervor

Getting ready for the glorious Fourth

[The Oval Office. TRUMP, wearing golf clothes, is at his desk talking to Presidential Son-in-law JARED KUSHNER, who is wearing a nice suit, sitting on a chair and doodling in a notepad, looking bored and annoyed. The box of Trump’s formula sits open in front of him.]

TRUMP: But you can’t get a hooker in South Dakota, did you know that? I mean the guys that work on the, on the ranches or pipelines or whatever they got there, sure, they can get a piece but probably like snaggle-tooth, disgusting low-quality hookers. I can’t bring a girl to South Dakota because she’d stick out like a sore thumb, because never mind 10, I can’t even bring an 8 or even a 7, someone would get suspicious. You know, they never had a Miss America from South Dakota. One of them was Mary Hart and, and another one, I forget her name, married Tom Brokaw.

[Pause.]

KUSHNER: Eww? So okay I guess we better think of something patriotic. What was wrong with what the speech team wrote?

TRUMP: Every time they give me something, I read it out loud, I start laughing. I can't help it. All this stuff about love your country, and values, and, and what we believe. What a bunch of horseshit! None of the other presidents believed in it, I can tell you that. I don’t know how they kept a straight face. I got Miller on it but that wasn’t any good because with him, whenever it gets patriotic you know he’s talking about Hitler.

KUSHNER: Okay, I have an idea. Let’s do like an exercise. I’ll say a word and you say what it makes you think of.

TRUMP: You’re kidding.

KUSHNER: No, I’m not! Now come on. It'll be fun. Come on. I’ll start: America.

TRUMP: Money.

KUSHNER: Come on, let’s try again, America.

TRUMP: The, the amber waves.

KUSHNER: Keep going on America.

TRUMP: Money. The — amber waves of money. Pussy. The Bellagio. I shoulda had that one, Wynn needed money and I tried to leverage, but —

KUSHNER: Let’s focus, sir. Okay, new word: Patriotism.

TRUMP: Suckers.

KUSHNER: Patriotism.

TRUMP: Army. Soldiers. They, they shoot, kill the enemy.

KUSHNER: And why do they kill the enemy?

TRUMP: Feels good.

[TRUMP pretends to be aiming a pistol.]

Make my day! Hasta la vista! Now Schwarzenegger, he could have been president, he coulda beat the born in the USA thing, but he wasn’t willing to do what it takes.

KUSHNER: Listen, listen sir, why — why don’t you just have some more of your medicine.

TRUMP: You’re serious?

KUSHNER: Yes.

[TRUMP lays out lines, chops them with a razor, gets a metal straw from his pocket.]

TRUMP: Because usually you don’t like when I take, you whine like a girl, it's disgusting.

KUSHNER: I mean I don’t approve of it but —

TRUMP: That’s why I don’t do it when you're here.

KUSHNER: You did some ten minutes ago.

TRUMP: That was just a pick-me-up. Here goes nothin’.

[TRUMP snorts two long, fat lines, sits back, pinches and wipes his nose, gasps.]

KUSHNER: Okay. Now. America.

TRUMP: Great country, the greatest, the greatest country in all of history, ever, America. And that’s not just me saying it, plenty of people, all through history, everybody really, people of every race and creed —

[KUSHNER is taking notes quickly.]

— except for the Democrats in Congress who I have to say and it’s sad to say don’t love their country at all, they want to tear down our heroes with the Antifa and the socialists and the spooks —

KUSHNER: Black Lives Matter.

TRUMP: Black Lives Matter and the hippies. And they hate the police —

[TRUMP slows down, becomes his version of dramatic, i.e. high, whispery voice with halting delivery]

— and what are the police but soldiers who defend us but instead of defending us in Afghanistan or Mexico or Yugoslavia they defend us here in our homes and our suburbs and our private streets when the hippies and the thugs and the nig — the Black Lives Matter invade and threaten with their rocks and their Melania cocktails —

[He stops. In a normal voice:]

I got it. We get those two from St. Louis who pointed their guns at the protestors. They’ll stand there with me and they’ll have their guns and we play I’m Proud I’m American or whatever that cowboy shit is. People will go nuts.

KUSHNER: The McCloskeys?

[TRUMP stands up.]

TRUMP: Whatever. Get those guys. Tell ‘em to wear the same shit they wore when they did it.

[TRUMP heads for the door.]

KUSHNER: Wait, that’s it? We’re done?

TRUMP: You bet. I’m gonna get some high-class trim before we head for the sticks.

[Exits. CURTAIN.]