66 Comments
Feb 8, 2022·edited Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

"Oh Mommy...."

That's the good stuff right there!

I love the clothing descriptions.Very Ian Fleming. Or John Sandford.

Anyway - excellent piece.

I laughed and laughed until I thought about how much money that vapid slapdick must be making. Then I started to cry and curse.

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

Yeah, the attire thing...'pressed jeans' is Californian for 'formal', but I don't know how it plays in AC's world.

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It does suck, but he came from money & his mommy's conections ensure his pustule will always swell, as it passes from host to host

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

I don't get it – can I invoke 'Jonah Goldberg's Mother! 'sort of like 'Sonja Henie's Tutu!'...?

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"vapid slapdick" is just one of the many, many phrases I steal from here to justify my monthly Substack fees.

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

Pratfalls never stop being funny when it’s Goldberg. Love his “epiphany” around the word prejudice, LOL. And this guy gets paid big bucks for connecting the dots that way. Central to his point, indeed.

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He's like a pothead without the pot -- on the pot, maybe

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or without the head. He can potty anywhere

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Getting paid big bucks while being full of shot in no way makes him special.

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

Day One of Jonah Goldbrick, Boy Historian, at CNN features sight gags, pratfalls, and the Nibelungenlied. Bravo.

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I see what you did there

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Feb 8, 2022·edited Feb 8, 2022

Thank you, Jeff Zucker.

BTW, CNN’s no longer the most trusted name nor, apparently, trusted to any degree per, I suppose, CNNmarketing. Which I believe was run by Zucker’s sweetie.

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

LOL! Easy target for slapstick, but Doughy Loadpants fills the bill!

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

I read the headline and thought "well, that's about right for the way the world works now. Santorum ejected from CNN, Goldberg brought in as the conservative intellectual." Especially since Chris Cuomo got dragged under by his brother--CNN no longer has a notional Democrat who will use his show to platform every Rightwing talking point and showcase every Rightwing nutjob.

OT: Speaking of showcasing Rightwing nutjobs, I was watching NBC Nightly News last night. One of the stories was a look at how mask wearing in schools affects covid transmission. The reporter looked at two school districts in Ohio--one with a mask mandate, one without. The difference in instances of covid cases was dramatic (far fewer in the mask-wearing school). The reporter then followed this by citing two studies by the CDC--one in Georgia and one in New Mexico--that examined the same question: Do mask mandates make a difference in reported covid cases? Again, the data shows a dramatic difference, with mask wearing greatly reducing the odds of covid cases.

I guess NBC felt like they had to bring "balance" to this. So, the reporter then says "some have cited problems with the methodology of these studies." The report then cuts to some woman just stating flat-out that the studies are wrong. Who was this woman? We'll never know because she was never identified. What was her basis for claiming the studies were wrong? We'll never know because I guess that's not important.

Our objective media, ladies and gentlemen!

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

"Santorum ejected from CNN"

2 marks, on so many levels...

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Wet cleanup on aisle... well, all of them

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Factory workers have to wear eye protection, to prevent eye injuries. Is there some peer-reviewed study where they gave half the workers eye protection and prohibited the other half from wearing eye protection and then counted up the number of eye injuries in the two groups, and then used inferential statistics to check whether the difference in eye injuries between the control and experimental groups was statistically significant?

Well, I sure hope so, because otherwise there's just no way to know.

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Well, they could have done a double-blind test

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LOL, now I'm tempted to steal that and work it into the Stats class I'm teaching, which will probably gain me national notoriety as "Math teacher mocks the disabled", thanks a lot, bub.

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then have an acorn hunt!

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I think they could compare before and after eye injury rates to see the effect.

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Probably best to let the study run a good, long time to make sure there's enough data. Do the same with "Does inhaling asbestos cause cancer?" sorry, guys, but the needs of Science must be served.

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They gave one control group goggles with just one eye...

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That is only a single blind test

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"And I told you there's No-one there!" (G. Harrison)

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The mainstream media reporting is literally harmful.

In this case,the mainstream’s need to be as supportive of theGOP as possible at all times requires that anything that puts them in a bad light must be as undercut as possible.

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

Jonah Goldberg on CNN is what America deserves for impeaching Bill Clinton for lying about fellatio, thanks to Mama Goldberg. Actions have consequences, people, and the chain of causality is obscure and probabilistic. Butterfly, hurricane. Allow the wrong people near the levers of power and you open yourself to future shitstorms you couldn’t have imagined, other than saying, “Nothing good will come of letting the nation’s foremost grifter sit the White House” or “Putting stupid zealots on the Supreme Court will come back to kick us in the ass.”

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

“ A little schwah de veever.”

I got your schwah right here, laughing my head off

I never knew Goldberg was a pratfall comedian—although the prat part has always been true—but if that ever really happened he might give Dick Van Dyke some competition in the Annals of Memorable Slapstick.

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

Stand clear of the pert prat part port!

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

I was doing fine until I hit "A half-gallon of root beer?" and now I'm dead, and my cat is mad about it because I woke her up laughing.

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

Did Jonah fix his flatulence problem?

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

I was gonna say, the real Doughy Pantload would have farted like three dozen times during this sketch.

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'Course not. I mean, half a gallon of root beer? He's reloading at intervals. His being on set with his new coworkers is going to be a violation of the Geneva Conventions.

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More like a violation of the International Chemical Weapons Convention. "I got yer Weapons of Mass Destruction right here... IN MY PANTS"

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

Doughty Pantload goes to CNN. Jfc. Cable news is a cancer.

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

Doughy. Damn it.

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Special carve-out in Talk Like A Pirate Day. "Avast, me farties!"

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Doughty Pantload actually sounds like someone you'd want to know. As opposed to the other Pantload.

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Not just cable. The entire mainstream.

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

Roy was having a sandwich at the deli. Suddenly the

phone in his jacket emits a series of fart-like noises.

The wait staff look at each other nervously. They know Roy

and they know what that noise means.

-"Wrap up that sandwich for you Mr. Edroso?"

-"Yep, thanks Danny. Duty calls."

The staff looks on wistfully as

Roy grabs the sack with his jacket half-way on.

and heads out the door.

Danny looks at the deli-owner behind the counter

who whispers,"Godspeed Mr. Edroso"

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

They don't use something like the Bat Signal? Or maybe in this case, the signal might be more, um... olfactory than visual?

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

I think D.C. has an ordinance against that. They just send out Brown Alerts to your phone.

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

There is no denying his schwah de veever

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

Bravo, sir. Bravo!

[BLACKOUT]

FFFAAAaaaarrrrrrrt!

[CURTAIN]

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

I haven't been keeping up lately, so my first thought at this was "What a great premise, Jonah Goldberg on CNN!" like you made it up. Clicking on the links disabused me of that, to my dismay, which was tempered by all the funny stuff, but still. I suppose in a world where a Cult of Trump exists for 74 million people it makes perfect sense that Jonah fucking Goldberg would be welcomed as a world-class pundit on a premiere news network, like it isn't bad enough he already has a nationally syndicated column.

Turns out Cooper doing 5 minutes with Lewinsky about Wordle is more brilliant stuff you didn't make up. Reality is really doing a number on satire isn't it? Luckily you manage to still pull it off magnificently but it must be getting difficult these days.

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

I know it’s trite at this point to quip about reality being scripted by writers and we’re in some horrible, dystopian computer simulation, but not even hack writing and computer glitches can explain this hellish timeline. Heck, even a malevolent demiurge would have *some* standards.

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

These days the Onion has to keep reaching in order to stay one step ahead of reality. Tough times for satire, these are. https://www.theonion.com/teacher-fired-for-breaking-state-s-critical-race-theory-1848442332

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

Todays joke is tomorrow’s nightmare.

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Feb 8, 2022·edited Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

I heard that during the Trump years, the quickest way to get a punch in the nose from a comedian or satirist was to say, "Don't the jokes just write themselves these days?"

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

Roy often gets his pieces posted before the underlying news even hits one.

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Feb 8, 2022·edited Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

"That is central to my point" OH MY GOD...that is so beautiful, and brings back so many awful memories of the Pantload...

Such as the time long ago, when he wrote something extremely dumb and wrong about Roe v. Wade (I think it was is one of his syndicated columns), and I actually wrote him an email explaining how wrong he was, and he actually responded, and I responded back by citing the actual part of the decision that PROVED I was right and he was wrong, and he wrote back saying, in essence, don't bother emailing me again because I'm blocking you. What a sorry putz.

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

"he actually responded..."

Well, I dunno, does "Nuh-uh" count as a response?

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author

Pretty funny, considering that the only race that Jonah has ever run was from the sofa to the fridge to get more leftover pizza before the commercial ended.

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

This was a great combo of satire and slapstick. I especially liked Goldberg’s self-laudatory writing skillz since he is such a crappy one. I was also reminded of Matthew Incontinenti who apparently is now on the Toddler’s MTP Sad Panel and who is even worse than Chuckles himself. I guess the MSM is really hard up for even marginally credible”conservative” commentaators and has to reach down into trunk of the Klown Kar.

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Feb 8, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

Hiring Conservative White Men for editorial boards and cable news chat panels is the only remaining legal form of Affirmative Action.

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