Preview of the big debate

Dueling formulas!

[A typical ugly national TV debate stage with podiums, JOE BIDEN behind one, DONALD TRUMP behind the other. Muttering sounds off which may be stage crew. By the casual behavior of the combatants it would appear taping has not begun. Suddenly some sort of spray comes up from BIDEN’s podium, like in a 4DX movie, and hits him in the face. BIDEN takes it in stride; TRUMP notices.]

TRUMP: What the hell was that?

BIDEN: What was what?

TRUMP: Your thing. The thing you stand behind. It gave you a spritz!

BIDEN: You’re hallucinating, old man.

TRUMP: [Bellows] You don’t call me old! I call you old! [Yelling off] Hey! This guy has something in his thing! The thing you stand behind!

[A spray comes up from TRUMP’s podium; TRUMP pushes his face at it. BIDEN notices.]

BIDEN: I saw that, buddy.

TRUMP: You didn’t see nothin’.

VOICE ON LOUDSPEAKER: Ten seconds, gentlemen.

[BIDEN adjusts his tie, clears his throat.]

TRUMP: [To BIDEN] Your kid is in hell. Your wife is in hell, she fucks pigs, you, your, uh, what’s his name —

BIDEN: Fuck off.

VOICE ON LOUDSPEAKER: Three, two, one —

[Just before the cameras and music come on, both podiums throw massive sprays into the face of the candidates, who inhale deeply. The ANNOUNCER says some stupid shit, then, finally:]

ANNOUNCER: President Biden, voters are concerned with the number of illegal aliens pouring over the border. President Trump says you’re responsible and he’ll stop the aliens or force them into mixed martial arts matches. How say you?

BIDEN: [Chuckling] Don’t believe everything you read in Republican press releases. The fact is, the overwhelming majority of refugees coming into this country are here to work hard and to find freedom. Unlike my opponent they haven’t been found guilty of 34 felonies in a court of law, and they haven’t sent their goons to try and intimidate the judge and district attorney who brought them to justice, and they’re not looking at five years in the hoosegow, and if they were I bet they’d be sweating and calling whatever lawyers they got left who haven’t been disbarred and lying their butts off to get out from under.

ANNOUCER: President Trump?

TRUMP: Sleepy Joe Biden we used to call him but now, now, he is now, he is Mexican Corrupt Joe Biden the Mexican Rapist Killer Murderer Rapist Lover because he loves the killers, folks, loves the rape and the Mexicans. He loves the [pronounces fulsomely] guacamole and the jugo de naranja, which is Spanish for I don’t even want to say what, you know what it is, disgusting, and he wants your daughter, your beautiful white daughter, so white, so beautiful, very pale, probably underage because that’s the way they like them, to be raped and touched and, and eat the filthy bug from… Juarez or Tiera del Fuego, Jugo de Naranja, they come from all over, Colombia, where the guy was from, Scarface, or Cuba, you saw the movie, you saw that beautiful girl, white, no back on the dress, Gangster’s Paradise, it’s a paradise for gangsters all right, folks, with Sleepy Joe Biden the Rapist, Mexico –

ANNOUCER: President Trump, your time is up and your mic will be turned off.

TRUMP: [Screaming] NO GAG ORDER —

[As his mic is cut, TRUMP can be seen thrashing and yelling. Both podiums spray the candidates again.]

ANNOUCER: President Biden, fifteen seconds for rebuttal.

BIDEN: Hey, you know what, let’s just enjoy these fifteen seconds where this guy isn’t yapping his malarkey, just take a deep breath and think how nice it will be when we never see or hear from him again.

ANNOUCER: President Trump, fifteen seconds.

TRUMP: Biden rape, folks. Biden rape. Tony Montana. Tony Rome. Fifteen seconds. Rape. Toy boat, toy boat.

WOMAN’S VOICE OFFSTAGE: WE LOVE YOU MR. PRESIDENT!

[TRUMP gives thumbs up.]

TRUMP: How are you, sweetheart, that’s Maggie Haberman. Now they’re grabbing her, disgusting. You know —

[TRUMP’s mic is cut. TRUMP can be seen silently thrashing and yelling.]

ANNOUNCER: Our next question is about abortion. President Trump, you bragged about killing Roe v. Wade, and since then polls and state elections show that Americans actually want abortion rights more than they did before you took them away.

[A spray so thick and fierce it looks like a heat lightning flash comes up from TRUMP’s podium.]

What say you?

TRUMP: The only reason they want abortions, and I feel for them, I really do, people think I don’t care, not true, all my children have abortions, the girls, not Ivanka, she’s immaculate, I mean the other ones, the girl like for example that went with Gavin Newsom, can you believe that, folks, now she goes with my boy, it’s sad. And they have to have abortions because of Mexican rape. So many Mexican rapes. Someone give me a piece of paper, I’m reading it now though you can’t see me reading because it’s in my mind —

[TRUMP squints into space as if he’s trying to see or hear something.]

Gregory — Ingrid — Landau, OK, maybe he changed it from Benitez or Tamale, from Eck-yu-a-dor, raped a little girl. And this girl had to have an abortion before she died. To save her parents the shame. So I’m very sympathetic but we have to do what the court says.

ANNOUNCER: President Biden?

[A split second before this a beam of spray hits BIDEN like the Fra Angelico Annunciation. For a moment he looks stunned.]

ANNOUNCER: President Biden?

[BIDEN looks at TRUMP.]

BIDEN: Listen, man, I gotta ask you: They got you all — [to the ANNOUNCER] Hey, man, turn his mic on so we can hear this! — [to TRUMP] They got you all wired up so they can feed you all the answers and you still sound like some nutcase from the funny farm. What’s the deal?

[Meantime a car-wash-with-Turtle-Wax cascade of spray has hit TRUMP’s face. He rails in a monotone:]

TRUMP: Sleepy Joe Biden the rape migrant toy boat Biden. What. Wired, what wired? You must be senile. you’re senile you senile rape Mexican Sleepy Biden Joe —

BIDEN: Look, look –

[BIDEN crosses the stage, grabs the back of TRUMP’s jacket, pulls it up, and yanks a bunch of wires out of the gap and holds them up. About two dozen SECRET SERVICE AGENTS jump onto the stage; the ones assigned to TRUMP look at the ones assigned to BIDEN; for the moment they appear to be in stalemate. TRUMP, meanwhile, turns one way, then the other, like a dog that has something tied to its tail. BIDEN shoves the wires into TRUMP’s hands and goes back to his podium.]

I mean come on, folks! This guy can’t even win when he cheats!

[TRUMP leans into his podium and buries his face; something like a cloud of steam rises from it. He stands suddenly erect and almost topples backwards, then gets into a feral crouch, murder in his tiny eyes.]

This is ridiculous. We should send him back to spend time with his loved ones before he goes to jail — if he has any!

TRUMP: GAAAAH!

[TRUMP unsteadily charges BIDEN; BIDEN goes around the other side of his podium, using it to protect himself as TRUMP falls against it and, stymied, tries to thrash around it at BIDEN, who overhand-punches TRUMP’s head. The SECRET SERVICE AGENTS are now brawling like baseball players; we can see studio pages circling warily, and hear distant sirens; a crude super over the screen, like in 1950 TV sports coverage, says “We’ll be back after these messages.”]