Proud (In The Name of Duh)

Trump's soldiers stand ready to protect him from the indignity of justice

Lol.

[70s action series credits with patriotic action music and editing. Over a shot of a commotion outside a place called Maisie Belles’s Drag Bar, super: THE PROUD BOYS —

Insert, action-then-freeze shot of a six-foot-one proud boy wearing camo pants, jump boots, a PB t-shirt and a long, striped Dr. Who scarf, pointing and screaming and waving a sign that says KIL PEDOS and readjusting his scarf — super: SPIDER —

Insert, action-then-freeze shot of a shorter, much stockier proud boy wearing a bulky camo jacket, relaxed fit jeans and white Asics running hard down the street and eating a sausage with one hand as he runs — super: HEDGEHOG —

Insert, action-then-freeze shot of a small, wiry young man, wearing a MAGA hat down over his eyes, a blue fleece jacket, tight black jeans, and ox-blood Red Wing boots, climbing down a chain-link fence, turning around to reveal he’s holding a bottle of milk, looking quickly in both directions — super: MUSHMOUSE —

Repeat THE PROUD BOYS super. Music, credits out. NEXT:

The proud boys in a room at the Marriott Marquis in Times Square. TV is on Fox with the sound off. SPIDER is sprawled on one of the double beds and looking at his iPhone. HEDGEHOG sits on the other bed, eating Smartfood popcorn out of a bag. MUSHMOUSE paces.]

SPIDER: No word yet.

MUSHMOUSE: I don’t like it!

SPIDER: At ease, Mushmouse! Gavin said he’d text soon as it’s time to strike.

MUSHMOUSE: But I just know they got President Trump in custody, I can feel it!

HEDGEHOG: What do you mean you can feel it?

SPIDER: He’s just sore because he had to sleep on the floor last night.

MUSHMOUSE: Am not! Well, I am, but that’s not why.

[MUSHMOUSE crouches; in a confidential tone —]

But listen, guys, just now —

[Suddenly MUSHMOUSE stands upright; indignantly — ]

Hey! How come I always have to sleep on the floor anyway?

SPIDER: You’re the junior proud boy, Mushmouse. It’s only been two years since you jerked off.

MUSHMOUSE: [Glumly] I should have told you guys I didn’t jerk off for years before that. You would have believed me.

SPIDER and HEDGEHOG: No we wouldn’t.

MUSHMOUSE: Well, anyway — [Confidential again] Just now, when I went down to do reconnaissance? There was a bunch of black teenagers laughing and talking loud! One of them hopped over a couple of those chairs they got on the street — and they almost bumped into a white person. And no one arrested them!

HEDGEHOG: So?

MUSHMOUSE: So? So it’s gotta be because all the police are down at Central Booking to keep us patriots from springing President Trump!

SPIDER: Pfft! Black people are criming all the time because of woke bail reform!  

HEDGEHOG: I don’t know, Spider, it is getting pretty late.

[SPIDER gets up and snatches the popcorn away from HEDGEHOG.]

SPIDER: Hedgehog, did you get that popcorn from the mini-bar? You know how much it costs!

HEDGEHOG: I got hungry! And it’s expensive in those stupid little stores they got here too, with the cats and the Mexicans, yuck! Why does anybody live in this place?

SPIDER: Beats me. There are a whole lot more people here than I expected. Fox News told me they all moved to Florida!

MUSHMOUSE: Fox News? They’re in on the conspiracy too! Listen!

[He turns up the sound on the TV. MARTHA MacCALLUM has on ROGER STONE, who is dressed as The Riddler.]

MacCALLUM: So if I’m hearing you right, Roger, the New York Knicks are doomed in the NBA playoffs because they’re too woke?

STONE: Oh absolutely, Martha. I mean they play in the wokest city in America, they have a wonderful white player, Isaiah Hartenstein, but he never gets scoring opportunities, clearly because of black anti-Semitism…

[MUSHMOUSE turns off the TV.]

MUSHMOUSE: He’s supposed to be one of our leaders! Why isn’t he talking about President Trump’s betrayal!

HEDGEHOG: It looks bad, Spider, ya gotta admit it looks bad.

SPIDER: Goddamnit, fellas, I’m a loyal proud boy — I haven’t jerked off in three years — Hedgehog, you were right there the last time I jerked off —

HEDGEHOG: [Cautiously, eyes averted] Yeah…

SPIDER: — but goddamnit, we’re in uncharted territory now, and we’re gonna have to execute the plan without authorization. We’re goin’ rogue, boys!

MUSHMOUSE: Yeah! Like Sarah Palin!

HEDGEHOG: Who?

SPIDER: Mushmouse! You got the coordinates?

MUSHMOUSE: [Looking at his phone] Yessir. “Cent-ree Street.” I guess they say “center” wrong, just like they say “Houston” wrong, the stupid libs! And it ain’t even in the center, it’s way downtown!

SPIDER: Get your Metrocards ready, boys, we’re goin’ in!

[Music, montage of subway trains, the proud boys repeatedly swiping their Metrocards without success, the proud boys running down Broadway…]

[EXTERIOR: An alley behind Manhattan Criminal Court. Barred windows, including a basement window that partly sticks up from behind a low wall. The proud boys are wearing little Beagle Boys-style masks and speak in hushed tones.]

HEDGEHOG: I thought for sure they’d let us in.

SPIDER: You idiot! Telling them we’re bringing lunch to the judge and when they ask which one you say “Roosevelt Steinberg Minsky Schwartz”!

HEDGEHOG: I figured one of them had to be right!

SPIDER: Well, now we have to be extra careful.

MUSHMOUSE: Yeah, too quiet!

SPIDER: [Rolling his eyes] Mushmouse, you’re supposed to wait till someone says “it’s quiet.”

MUSHMOUSE: Well goddamnit, we all know it’s quiet!

HEDGEHOG: Guys, I’m starting to think President Trump isn’t being arrested at all.

SPIDER: What! What kind of a proud boy are you? You gonna let the mainstream media bamboozle you like that?

HEDGEHOG: All I’m saying is it’s too quiet –

SPIDER and MUSHMOUSE: YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO WAIT TILL SOMEONE SAYS “IT’S QUIET”!

[They all crouch, go “SHHH! SHHH!” and wildly look around. Finally:]

SPIDER: All right boys, this is it.

[SPIDER pulls a hacksaw out from under his t-shirt. He undoes his scarf and loops it around his waist and holds the two ends out to HEDGEHOG and MUSHMOUSE.]

Hold me up, I’m goin’ in.

MUSHMOUSE: [Peering down over the edge of the low wall] But Spider, that’s gotta be a twelve-foot drop!

SPIDER: It’s the least I can do for President Trump after what he did for us on January 6.

[SPIDER steps up on the low wall. HEDGEHOG grasps his shoulder.]

HEDGEHOG: Spider!

SPIDER: Yeah?

HEDGEHOG: What did President Trump do for us on January 6?

[SPIDER holds up one finger as if to say, “wait,” reaches under his shirt, pulls out a long, weighted sock, and hits HEDGEHOG over the head with it, then puts it back.]

SPIDER: Just hold the fucking scarf, Hedgehog.

[As HEDGEHOG and MUSHMOUSE each hold an end and brace their feet on the low wall, SPIDER jumps to the barred basement window across, grabs hold of the bars, and starts sawing. He makes fast progress but, without any of them noticing at first, dozens of cops quietly walk in from either side of the alley. MUSHMOUSE notices them first, and taps HEDGEHOG on the shoulder; HEDGEHOG looks around, then looks at MUSHMOUSE; then MUSHMOUSE and HEDGEHOG run like hell away, releasing SPIDER, who falls backwards clutching the sawn-off bars, which hit the low wall with a clang as he plummets to the basement level, sending up a cloud of dust when he hits.}

[DISSOLVE to the Marriott room. Lights are low. MUSHMOUSE and HEDGEHOG are reclining on the beds watching Fox News on TV. HEDGEHOG is eating Smartfood popcorn again. TUCKER CARLSON is on, with a picture of a very roughed-up-looking SPIDER behind him, with the chyron PROUD BOY OR FRAUD BOY?]

TUCKER CARLSON: The woke, snowflake, corrupt, and very black Manhattan D.A. must be totally desperate if he thinks we’re going to believe this so-called proud boy, Sean “Spider” McGillicuddy, is anything other than a paid agent of the Soros Frankfurt School Democrat FBI! Authorities say they’ll ask for a ten-year sentence for McGillicuddy and as far as I’m concerned, if their fake proud boy wants to spend ten years in jail just to slur the good name of that patriotic organization, he’s more than welcome to do so.

[MUSHMOUSE turns off the TV.]

MUSHMOUSE: You think he’ll really get ten years?

HEDGEHOG: Doubt it. New York got liberal bail reform laws.

MUSHMOUSE: I’m talking about prison, not bail.

HEDGEHOG: Yeah, whatever.  

MUSHMOUSE: You taking popcorn from the mini-bar again? How we gonna afford that?

HEDGEHOG: It’s on Spider’s tab.

MUSHMOUSE: Yeah, well, not much he can say about it now.

[MUSHMOUSE and HEDGEHOG laugh quietly.]

Well, goodnight.

HEDGEHOG: Goodnight.

[They turn the lights out and within 30 seconds begin to masturbate. Music and fade out.]