The Daily Mail:
BIDEN RED-CARDS RUMPY-PUMPY? Climate-crazed Biden wants fewer “emissions” — goodbye burgers, hugging your ma, SEX.
Biden announced a goal to cut emissions by 2030, compared with 2005 levels, at the start of a two-day climate summit on Thursday.
While Biden hasn’t released details on what life could look like for Americans, experts and recent studies have laid out what would need to change by 2030 to reach the goal. And our diagnosticians calculate that because sex burns calories the Biden plan would require a 92% reduction in sexual activity.
DEM SEX BAN!
Joe’s crazy climate plan could mean red, white and blueballs
Better hang onto yourself: An esteemed British journal drawing on the latest scientific evidence has determined President Joe Biden’s plan to drag us back to the Paris Global Warming Accords will cost the average American a lot more than higher taxes and gun freedom — it will cost him his right to get it on.
The figures don’t lie: An analysis by British periodical The Daily Mail finds that, in order to meet the climate-change targets decreed by Beijing and Brussels, Americans would have to refrain from “doing the deed” for all but 2.1 days a year.
Red-blooded Americans were erect with disgust at the news.
“Can you even, I mean come on people,” commented John Barron, a billionaire housing mogul from Palm Beach, Long Island. “I can’t even say the word but you all know what I’m talking about, I mean the man sticks it in the woman, this is just science, people, and nature and patriotism, what God said to do and to take that away, well I mean it’s just disgusting.”
Generic rightwing website:
BIDEN DEMOCRAT SICK SEX STEAL! “NO SEX EVER” SAYS LIMP JOE IN ENVIRO COUP!
Love your wife or girlfriend? If sicko Joe Biden and the Democrat Party get their way, you can kiss her through a screen door — but get hot and heavy and it’s ten to twenty as sex becomes a CRIME thanks to “woke” global warming BS.
Yes, the Journal of the American Medical Association and TOP SCIENTISTS admit Skeezy Joe Biden wants to BAN SEX to save some polar bears and snail darters — who can have sex because they’re “endangered” but YOU CAN’T!
First Amos ‘n’ Andy, then the “n”-word, now sex! What is there left for a real American to enjoy anymore!
Populist media has had a good time with the admittedly not-entirely-true story that Joe Biden wants to “ban sex.” Though the Democrats’ absurd “climate-change” crusade will do untold damage to the American way of life — to our work, our families, our religion, and other things that are even more important than sex (though sex is pretty darn important, am I right, guys? Hoo-ahh!) — we gotta admit some of the boys maybe got a little out of hand on this one — and if you missed my double entendre (which happens a lot!), it was a joke about masturbation. Hoo-ahh! Still, we got millions of clicks and some fun out of it. And anyway, down the line the Democrats probably will try to ban sex because that’s what they do: Ban things that make ordinary guys feel good, in fact they’re kind of doing it already with their #MeToo movies — I thought Carey Mulligan was hot as blazes in The Great Gatsby but really, like, now we’re all rapists? What a turn-off. Anyway: No harm done.
Next week: Biden bans breathing!