Republican House: The First 30 Days

Promises made, promises kept!

H.R. 110 Respect Back the Blue Line of Heroes Act

To make up for all the police departments that were defunded by Democrats, the budget for the U.S. Capitol Police will be removed and distributed among the police departments of the top ten cities that are not run by Democrats, on the condition the money be used on weapons, uniforms, suicide counseling for officers, and legal payments for police misconduct judgements, and not on better treatment of suspects or diversity training.

H.R. 203 Discouraging Dependency Through Diet Act

Taking a cue from Iowa, the federal government will require all state-run Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) and Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children (WIC) programs to restrict eligible food to items that are generally considered unpalatable. (Partial list) No candy, cake, or cookies; only fresh meats are gizzards and horse testicles; bread must be high-fiber and “smushed”; vegetables must come in dented cans and be at least three months past their sell-by date. Agents will do spot checks to make sure recipients are not using ketchup, mustard, or mayonnaise in the home (Miracle Whip is allowed).

Amendments to H. Res. 8, Rules of the House of Representatives:

- All members assigned to committees involving national defense must show their willingness to defy radical Islamism by eating a bacon sandwich in the well of the House.

- All members must be in possession of at least one loaded firearm while the House is in session. Sergeant at Arms will conduct spot checks and fund and maintain a House bullet trap for such purposes.

- House chamber may be rented in off-hours to groups approved by the Leadership with the proceeds to go to the Rep. Matt Gaetz Defense Fund.

H. Res. 453 Expressing the Sense of the House

Deploring the racist treatment of Memphis (Tenn.) P.D. Officers Tadarrius Bean, Demetrius Haley, Justin Smith, Emmitt Martin and Desmond Mills Jr. by race-hustling prosecutors. The House looks forward to the day when, as the Rev. Martin Lewis King Jr. said, men will be judged by their characteristics and not according to reverse racism.

H. R. 453 Creation of “Victory the Insult Comic Conservative” Puppet  

To circumvent the bias of the liberal media and address issues of the day in language and a manner that ordinary voters can understand, funding is authorized for the creation of a puppet to be called “Victory the Insult Comic Conservative” and for employment of a comedian to manipulate the puppet and, through ventriloquism, heckle Democrat speakers, for filming and distribution by Republican members. Fund will also cover legal expenses related to intellectual property suits.

H. Res. 977 Authorizing Committee on Woke TV Shows

To combat the menace of wokeness in American life the House authorizes a Committee to examine current television programming, excluding news and public affairs but including game shows, award programs, cartoons, and talk shows. The committee will tabulate a wokeness quotient based on gratuitous expressions of woke sentiments and concepts such as “endemic racism,” “marriage equality,” “girl bosses,” and “universal healthcare,” whether overt or via dramatic incidents or smart-alecky comments; and, when an unhealthy rate of wokeness is inevitably discovered, propose utilizing the power of the Federal Communications Commission to create a “Fairness Doctrine” that will counter-balance woke sentiments with shows promoting traditional American values, e.g. police dramas about detectives who are not socially conscious or having affairs, or the Elon Musk Comedy Hour. Committee will be chaired by “guest Congressman” Kevin Sorbo.

Also: in a sudden, surprise reversal, Speaker Kevin McCarthy has fired recently-appointed General Counsel to the House Matthew Berry and replaced him with former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani. “We’re going to try some new things,” Giuliani said in a press conference. “For example, this whole Senate thing, there’s no basis for it in the Constitution. We’re prepared to take this all the way to the Supreme Court. How is it even a democracy if we can’t get all this wonderful legislation enacted?”