Republicans speak out on Afghanistan

On the occasion of our treasonous departure

Rep. Charlie Beetroot (R.-Ar.): “After a mere 20 years — not even two dozen! — the treasonous son of a I-won’t-say-it Joe Biden has cut and run from our beloved Afghanistan. I have more reason than most to mourn this betrayal: Years ago one of my constituents gave me an Afghan rug, and my wife and I liked it so much we gladly endured a tiresome ethics investigation so we could keep it. The rug came with the address of the rugmakers in Adraskan, two brothers named Abdul and Amos O’Grady. They were originally from Poughkeepsie, but their parents loved Afghanistan and moved the family business there. I wrote to them and we became fast friends. Abdul and Amos were apparently masters of ‘baksheesh,’ which they told me was what Afghans call the art of persuasion, and they managed to visit me very frequently in Washington and Hattieville no matter what was going on ‘back home.’ Of course they loved America — even on their short visits, they managed to catch up on all the American trends and wore all the latest outlet fashions; you’d think they actually lived here full-time! — and supported our troops 100%. I am holding a telegram from them now and I am shaking with rage. They are trapped in Adraskan by Biden’s fecklessness and they need $500,000 US to get out. I have raised some of that with a Kickstarter but it’s not enough, so I have introduced a bill to allocate federal funds to get out Amos and Abdul and the many others who have been left behind, like Seamus and Abas Schwartz, Hameed McGillicuddy, and Mary Jane Smith-Wharton, to name just a few. America will not soon forget the day of shame!”

Caroline Screamer Bayes (R.-Mo.): “I hope you’re proud of yourself, Joe Biden. Like the traitors Obama and Clinton before you, you have turned your back on billions of good men and women who trusted us when Donald Trump was President and still is except you stole it, you traitor! Look at this picture if you dare, you coward-in-chief! It’s a picture of the last true Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo, with a simple Afghan tribesman:

“This brave man came all the way here to visit because he loved and trusted President Trump; he even wore a surgical mask, not because he believed in the fake COVID plandemic, but to honor his hosts, because honor is important to these people, Mr. Not My President!  Now can you imagine, Joe Biden, what that simple Afghan farmer thinks, wherever he is? He’s probably surrounded by Taliban right now! Imagine what he’s thinking! He probably laughs when he thinks of America. And whose fault is that, Joe Biden? Yours and the fault of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Jew-mer and your cackling I-won’t-say-it not-my-Vice-President. And that’s why we’re going to bring our brave boys back to the Capitol to murder all the Democrats and RINOs and then we’re coming to kill you, Joe Biden, and your whole family, we’re going to cut you to pieces with an axe and grind those pieces into the carpet and spit on them and set fire to the EPA and Lincoln Center and all the Deep State fortresses where the pedophiles are hiding out, and I’m going to keep on saying it because nobody ever does anything about me saying it which must mean everyone agrees!”

Christopher Hitchens (contacted by Ouija board): “I might have said ‘that I should live to see this day,’ except of course I haven’t. You can imagine how long I’ve been waiting to use that joke. I would also like to say that conditions here are not so dire as advertised, especially if you did some good in the surface world; I, for example, suffer very little physical pain, owing to my denunciation of torture. Our new arrival Donald Rumsfeld is having quite a different experience. The funny part is, I only did it to preserve my credibility with the higher-paying magazines. Oh shit, I think they heard me.”