Sanctum sanctorum

Master Harlan ...and the Boys

[A huge, oak-paneled room, with tall bookshelves, Persian carpets, chandeliers, animal heads and ancient, framed grip-and-grin photographs on the walls; large wooden cabinets of unknown provenance. Large windows, but it is night and only the illuminated stone walkway and railings nearest the windows are visible. SAM ALITO, wearing evening dress, is holding a cocktail glass and peering into a vitrine. Presently a huge door swings open and CLARENCE THOMAS, similarly dressed and with a cigar, steps in; someone closes the door behind him.]

ALITO: Hello, Justice Thomas! Good to see you.

THOMAS: Good to see you, Sam. Quite a spread, isn’t it?

ALITO: Yeah. Look here — it says this box used to be the Ark of the Covenant.

THOMAS: [Peering with mild interest] Isn’t that something.

[THOMAS elbows ALITO in the ribs.]

So: Have you picked out your companion for the evening? Eh? Ha ha ha.

ALITO: [Laughing bashfully] Oh, come on, Clarence, you know I don’t go for that sort of thing! And I know you don’t either.

THOMAS: [Laughing merrily] Ha ha, well, we’re out past the tree line, Sam. Anything goes, ha ha ha!

ALITO: Oh, I refuse to believe it.

THOMAS: Well, you never know, I feel full of mischief tonight, Sam.

ALITO: I’m in a good mood myself. I think it’s that pill they gave me. Did you get one?

THOMAS: Yes, I did, and I feel just terrific.

ALITO: [Wiggling the fingers of his free hand] See, when I travel I usually get numbness in my fingers and some neuropathy in my legs. But since I took that pill, why, I’ve had none of that. Hey, has your room got a giant fireplace? Mine does, I hear they all do.

THOMAS: You could roast a cow in mine.

ALITO: Mine too!

[The door opens again and JOHN ROBERTS comes in with HARLAN CROW. Both are attired as the others and carrying glasses, They are accompanied by a fellow in what looks like an old Bavarian officer’s uniform and a monocle who smokes a cigarette in a holder. He keeps to himself, but there is general delight among the others.]

CROW: Well, now. Is everybody happy?

ALITO: Harlan, I think these fellows are too young to remember Ted Lewis.

[THOMAS puts his arm around CROW’s shoulders.]

THOMAS: But we are happy. Right, Chief?

ROBERTS: We are, we are.

CROW: Nothing for it but to await our guest of honor —

[The door opens and JONAH GOLDBERG enters, wearing evening dress with a stain on lapel.]

CROW: Ah, Mr. Goldberg! Glad you could join us!

GOLDBERG: [Shaking his hand] It’s an honor, sir! An honor! I was so glad I could stand up for you when the liberals were spreading all this nonsense –

CROW: Ah, Goldberg, forget it. I certainly have.

[Looking archly around at the others.]

In fact, I remember nothing unpleasant at all.

THOMAS: Haw!

ALITO: You said it.

GOLDBERG: Oh, that sounds fantastic. Does that by any chance have anything to do with those pills I heard somebody talking about?

CROW: Pills?

GOLDBERG: Don’t mistake that for drug-seeking behavior, sir, I’m merely curious. Scotch and a good cigar are fine with me!

[GOLDBERG looks around at their glasses and cigars.]

CROW: Well, Goldberg, I think it best you have your wits about you this evening.

GOLDBERG: Ah, so my services as a journalist are needed!

CROW: Since we’re all here, I think we can explain it.

[Everyone is attentive.]

You’ll remember how, just a little over seven years ago, our comrade Antonin Scalia was declared dead down at Cibolo Creek.

[Respectful murmurs.]

There was some confusion in the press about it, and a few nosey characters asking questions, but as usual we got through it without too much trouble. So only a few of us know what really happened. Goldberg, all these trappings of wealth you see around you — this mansion, the outbuildings, the grounds, not to mention the upkeep — we like to say it’s the result of hard work, either our own or that of our ancestors. But really it’s what you might say is a blood boon.

[The others nod, except GOLDBERG, who is stiff and saucer-eyed.]

You see, at intervals — intervals regulated by the movement of the stars, as set down in ancient texts — the blood-god demands its boon, and to show our gratitude and to keep our place we must grant it when it is demanded.

[The BAVARIAN crosses to one of the closed cabinets and unlocks it, revealing several shotguns, which he hands out to all but GOLDBERG.]

In previous generations this was a call to sacrifice. Usually a distant member of the family would volunteer — the outcast, the sickly, or the disgraced. Their families were rewarded and the boon went on.

BAVARIAN: [Thick accent] Very careful, gentlemen. They are all charged and ready.

CROW: In recent years, though, the thinking changed. Circumstances too. Sacrifice was no longer in fashion. It became harder to find a volunteer within the circle. Antonin was in poor health, He felt he had reached the end of his cycle and gave himself for us all.

[CROW toasts.]

To Antonin.

ALL but GOLDBERG: Amen.

[They drink.]

CROW: Now the time has come again, but there are none within the circle to give, and we must look outward.

[GOLDBERG, realizing there is no rifle for himself, shows signs of panic. The door swings open.]

Goldberg, you may take a running start. If you evade us, perhaps we will let you go and take Mark Penn.

GOLDBERG: No! It isn’t true! You’re good! I always said you were good! I told them you were good! I always said —

THOMAS: [Aiming his rifle] You better run, fat boy!

[GOLDBERG screams and charges out the door; we hear his screams growing fainter as he leaves the building and heads off for parts unknown. But the others have not followed and are quiet. Finally:]

CROW: He’s gone!

[A separate door opens and, riding an elaborate power wheelchair, ANTONIN SCALIA enters – looking a bit pale and drawn, with a thin beard, but cheerful, and holding a cigar and a rocks glass half-full of Scotch. All cheer. CROW steps to him.]

How’s that pill treating you, Tony?

SCALIA: Oh, fine! But you know, what really gimme the old pep was hearing that mameluke scream for mercy!

[A roar of laughter all around. CURTAIN.]