Sorry, I Shrunk the Debate

Who needs it

It’s getting so I don’t even care about who “wins” or who “loses” the Democratic debates (of which there have been, what, 37 at this point? Who can keep track?). It’s February. Nobody’s going to remember any of it. No one remembers anything. The election is going to be decided by endocrine and brain chemistry and how cannily the Mabuses of the respective campaigns can manipulate the voters’ surges of dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, endorphins, testosterone, estrogen, epinephrine, norepinephrine, et alia. As the Republicans have the Nazi ratbag Bannon in their corner, and Bannon has the devil in his, all is probably lost, but we must act as if we have faith and faith, if nothing else, will be given unto us.

So last night I mainly only cared if I saw these things:

• Bloomberg get his ass beat.

• How close Klobuchar can get to tears without actually throwing a stapler.

• The soothing sound of sweet sense from Sanders.

So it was great that they started this debate by letting everyone beat up on Bloomberg again. God, what an awful little twat he is. And he went to the “smoldering crater of 9/11”! That’s the epitome of an asshole move, especially from someone who was probably, on the fateful day, telling an intern to see who was making all that racket and get them to knock it off.

But he still got some applause, rather than the barrage of abuse he deserved and got in Las Vegas, and I think I know why:

Jacobin @jacobinmag

Why were people applauding Bloomberg and Pete and booing every negative mention of billionaires at the debate tonight? Maybe it's because the venue was full of donors and VIPs who spent $1,750 to $3,200 per seat.

But as the thing kept going, and the also-rans worked on Sanders, talking about how he’s too radical, how he’ll cost the party the House, etc., I zoned out. Now, you know how I feel — I like Warren alright, she’s the Bernie-lite I can handle, but you know the rest of these guys, if they get into the White House, the first thing they’ll ask is “where do we keep the drones?” They’re as fake as fake progressives get. Everyone onstage blathered about how they love “education”; Sanders said he’d make sure public school teachers were paid $60K at least. That’s the difference.

I had to break away from the debate awhile while the missus talked about a class she took that day, and I was ashamed that I occasionally had the impulse to look over my shoulder, thinking about hate-watching Bloomberg and the other schnooks. After she and I were done I peeked back in time to hear Pete Fucking Buttigieg red-bait Bernie Sanders on Cuba and Bloomberg talk about how the Chinese government was bad but really not dictator bad, leaving Biden open to go Goddamnit I’ll tell that Xi a thing or two and…

Fuck that. I sat through the last debate moments, basically, to see if anyone fell over or got shot or vomited or anything else that would mandate a rewrite. I have both a professional and a sporting interest in the outcome of these thing, and an over-the-shoulder interest in how each primary goes, but in the main I merely wait on one of two results: an exciting last-minute victory for the forces of light, or the death of the Republic. I am prepared either way.