Speaker's cornered

Suddenly, a break in the deadlock!

[The House office of KEVIN McCARTHY who, in tan slacks and white shirtsleeves, leans back against his desk, which has two open boxes of pizza on it. Squeezed onto a small sofa facing him are MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE (in a blue cocktail dress and thick-soled ankle-strap wedge sandals), MATT GAETZ (dressed identically to McCARTHY) and JIM JORDAN (dressed identically to McCARTHY), all of whom are eating pizza.]

McCARTHY: Guys, I can keep this up as long as you can.

GREENE: You can’t! You don’t have the votes!

McCARTHY: Neither does anyone else. You think I’m bothered?

GAETZ: I know you’re bothered. You want that nice big office so bad.

McCARTHY: [Chuckles] Not me, buddy.

GAETZ: You were mad they threw you out of the Speaker’s office.

McCARTHY: Hey, if I want a nicer office I’ll rent one downtown. I was just making a statement moving in. I didn’t even bring my nice things.

GREENE: You want that gig, you’re gonna have to deal with us

McCARTHY: Deal? What deal? I gave you guys everything you asked for —  the closure thing, the bit where you each get to be Speaker when you have relatives in town, every dumb-ass hearing you could dream up like the one about Biden’s dogs —I mean, there’s nothing left to give away. You caught the car but none of you know how to drive. And if you did you’d just go over a cliff. So we’re just gonna vote over and over and over again until someone comes to their senses.

GREENE: Well, this sucks.

GAETZ: You know what I hear? I hear Jim’s the man, everybody’s gonna vote for him tomorrow. Ain’t that right, my man!

[GAETZ and JORDAN complete a stupid, complicated handshake.]

McCARTHY: Is that so? Speaker Jim Jordan, huh? [Slowly and quietly] You guys know, right, what everybody, and I mean everybody, thinks about whenever they hear the name —

JORDAN: [As if compelled] I didn’t see or hear anything! The kids never said anything!

McCARTHY: [Pointing at GREENE and GAETZ] Same goes for you two. You can’t get normal people to take you seriously. And you and your fellow lunatics won’t vote for normal people. So we can do this till Doomsday, far as I’m concerned, long as Wiseguy Pizza delivers I’m good.

GREENE: OK, guys, we’re going with the nuclear option. I’m calling President Trump!

[GREENE takes out her phone. McCARTHY laughs.]

McCARTHY: Come on, Marge. You know they have pictures of you at Mar-a-Lago like grocery stores have for shoplifters.

GREENE: I’m dialin’ the number right now.

McCARTHY: Hey, go ahead, offer Trump Speaker! But I warn you — he’s gonna say yes. And you’ll move heaven and earth to set it up, some of your staffers will leak it, everyone’s gonna be on high alert and then at the last minute he’ll fuck you, he’ll say he never heard anything about it, he’s too busy with some new cologne or podcast or something.

[GREENE, GAETZ and JORDAN look stupefied. McCARTHY bugs his eyes.]

Oh my sweet Lord, you’re kidding. You actually tried it! [Laughs] God, you must really be fucked!

[JORDAN checks his phone. McCARTHY unleans.]

Well, kids, it’s getting late and we got a big day of voting ahead —

[JORDAN stands.]

JORDAN: Hey, Kev? One thing. You’re right, Trump won’t do it. But he’s not the only non-Member we’ve been talking to. And I know this guy can get the votes. Check it out.

[JORDAN crosses to the door, opens it; GREENE and GAETZ stand; in walks KYLE RITTENHOUSE wearing blue and grey suit separates, fat athletic shoes, and ridiculously big sunglasses, and carrying a large semiautomatic. He walks grandly to the dumbstruck McCARTHY.]

RITTENHOUSE: [Pointing; in what he thinks is a ghetto voice] Hey, Kevin McCarthy — you a tweaker. Kyle Rittenhouse — is now the Speaker!

[RITTENHOUSE wheels and fires his weapon out the door as everyone else hits the dirt. From the floor:]

JORDAN: Kyle! Wait for the vote! Wait for the vote!

McCARTHY: What the fuck’s he doing here with a fucking rifle!

GREENE: Why do you think we got rid of the metal detectors?