Special guest billionaire

Trump meets one of the new breed

© 2012 Caitlyn Ridenour, used under a Creative Commons license

[The bedroom of the presidential residence at the White House. Since the last time we looked it seems to have had a cleaning. The bed is made and there are only a few covered room-service plates and go-cups scattered around. But the shades are still drawn and the room is still dark, lit mainly by table and floor lamps turned low. White House Chief of Staff MARK MEADOWS is sitting on a sofa; he wears a suit and, pulled around his shoulders, a large blanket embroidered with the Presidential Seal. His face is damp and he occasionally shivers. He’s writing in a little pad. TRUMP, dressed like Francis in Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, is sitting at another sofa playing with his phone.]

TRUMP: Also I want chop suey.


TRUMP: [Looking up at him] Chop suey. Like you get in Chinatown. I want it backstage at the next briefing. I got a yen. In fact I want some now. Tell the Marine on your way out.

MEADOWS: I assume we don’t want to tell the press.

TRUMP: Why not? I want Xi to see we had chop suey. The Chinese like gestures. They’re like the Italians, except tiny.

MEADOWS: True, but the Chinese created the virus in a lab, probably in an attack on America.

TRUMP: Where you getting that? That’s a lotta bullshit!

MEADOWS: We worked that out in comms, sir. That’s the story we’re working —

TRUMP: Yeah alright, I get it. I’m not saying that, though. Get the flunkies to say it.

MEADOWS: Very good, sir.

[MEADOWS drops his pen, tries to bend over to get it, shivers like he has a bad chill.]

TRUMP: You alright over there, Mark?

[With difficulty MEADOWS gets his pen.]

MEADOWS: I-I’m, I’m fine, sir, j-just a little bug. [Pulls the blanket tighter] I, I don’t see how, how you do it, sir. So many people around you g-get sick, but you n-never do.

TRUMP: Genes, Mark. You know, like Hitler. Had to kill himself, nobody else could do it. Also, tell ya the truth, I got so much of that “medicine” in my bloodstream it probably kills the thing on contact, like Raid.

MEADOWS: Anything else, sir.

TRUMP: Yeah, one thing, keep it under your hat but we’re getting rid of Jared.

MEADOWS: Rid of him, sir?

TRUMP: We’re not gonna kill him, though tell you the truth I wouldn’t mind. You see him at the briefing? I thought he couldn’t get any dumber, but it’s like his brain is leaking out the back of his skull.

MEADOWS: How, how are y-you going rid of him, s-sir?

[A knock on the door.]

TRUMP: You’ll see. [Calls] Come in.

[ELON MUSK, wearing black slacks, white Converse sneakers with blue and red paint spatter, and a Bushveldt Carbineer tunic, comes in.]

MUSK: Hey, Mr. President Trump, how are you, sir!

[MUSK crosses to TRUMP.]

We can shake hands, we’re alright, yes!

[Points at MEADOWS.]

Now this guy — uhhhh! [Laughs]

[Shakes hands with TRUMP, who doesn’t get up.]

Good to see you, man! Mind if I sit down?

TRUMP: [Points] At the desk if you want.

MUSK: All the way over there? I’ll stay standing. I feel like it, you know, I’m full of energy.

TRUMP: Good. Listen, that was a helluva gag you pulled, telling Blasio you were gonna send him ventilators and then sending him a bunch of sleep apnea things.

MUSK [Cackling]: I knew you’d get it! You really get it. It’s just life and death, man! It's so meaningless when you think about it, but people get so hung up, it’s fun to mess with their heads. So, can I sit with you now?

TRUMP: No, but I have something I think you’ll like. I hear you have an admirer in the Trump Organization.

MUSK: Besides you.

TRUMP: Not me, a lady. A very attractive lady.

MUSK: Very nice, but you know I’m going now with a quite sexy pop star.

TRUMP: What if I told you this attractive lady was my daughter Ivanka.

MUSK: Oh! Well, she is very attractive indeed, but isn’t she married to — the fellow from the Subway ads?

TRUMP: Different Jared, but yes, the guy’s a freak, frankly I don’t think he satisfies her in bed, in fact I know it for a fact, look, Elon, whatever you have going on with this Grimey Grime girl, I’m sure it’s beautiful, but I also understand she’s pregnant and, you know, that too is a beautiful thing, but it kind of locks you out of the bedroom, am I right?

[MUSK makes a moue.]

So listen, if you were to have like a little something going on with a woman who’s even more famous and, this is the important part, much more influential and I mean on an international presidential level. I mean we’re talking first woman president, very major power player. I think people would understand, this pop girl would understand. Ivanka would certainly understand, and I myself would be very grateful.

MUSK: I take it this Jared is — non-confrontational.

TRUMP: He’d crap his pants is what I’m saying. Which is good for both of us. Now —

[TRUMP and MUSK suddenly look at MEADOWS, who is shuddering and gagging. MEADOWS stands up, leaving his blanket behind, and, shivering, runs to the desk, grabs a small trashcan that’s next to it, and vomits into it.]

How you doing there, Mark, you all right?

MEADOWS: Sorry, I’m sorry, sir, I, I couldn’t, can I go, I’m sorry but I don’t feel well at all.

TRUMP: Sure, go on, and take that trashcan outside. Also you can take the blanket, keep it for a souvenir. Makes a nice gift for the wife.

[MEADOWS gathers the trashcan and blanket and stumbles out of the room.]

[Calling after him] Chop suey! Don’t forget!

MUSK: You’re very brave to work with people in this condition.

TRUMP: They call it leadership. Listen, Elon, you circumcised?