Speech code

The President demands his rights

[Oval Office. TRUMP at Resolute Desk, fiddling with a piece of paper. Attorney General BILL BARR walks in and to the desk.]

BARR: Mr. President.

TRUMP: Bill, wanna run this EO by you, make sure it’s all legal.

BARR: Okay.

[BARR holds out his hand.]

TRUMP: No, I’m gonna read it to you because, you know I’m still working it out, making changes and I think it’ll have more power if I say it. In fact can we fix it so it’s not written down, but people just hear it? Put it out as a computer sound file? And if someone writes it down then it’s not official, because it’s not the same thing. They have to hear it.

BARR: [Shrugs] Sure.

TRUMP: Whattaya mean sure?

BARR: You can do whatever you want, sir.

TRUMP: What are you, kidding? Whattaya think I have you around for? You’re supposed to know the legal. Like there’s a law that says I can or can't do something.

BARR: It’s as we discussed, sir, the unitary executive principle. You can basically do anything you want.

TRUMP: So I can kill people.

BARR: In some cases.

TRUMP: Can I kill Pelosi?

BARR: No.

TRUMP: Why not?

BARR: [After a deep breath] If you killed the Speaker of the House you probably would be brought up on charges and you might not get a verdict of not guilty. That doesn’t mean you don't have the right, it just means we’d have to appeal and get it into the higher courts.

TRUMP: And at the end we get to the Supreme Court and the rummy fixes it for us.

BARR: [After a moment] Sure.

TRUMP: What if I kill you? Same thing? Or is it easier because everyone hates you?

BARR: [Laughing] That’s very good, sir.

TRUMP: What you’re saying is I can do anything I want unless someone decides I can’t and then I gotta go to court.

BARR: Pretty much.

TRUMP: You’re a helluva mouthpiece, you know that? I might as well have Giuliani in here.

[TRUMP reaches into a drawer and takes out a pair of reading glasses which he puts on, then holds the paper in two hands.]

If you tell anyone about what I got on my face I’ll kill you and no one will see enough to take me to court, unerary action or no unerary action.

BARR: Unitary executive.

TRUMP: OK, listen: [Reads in his Stupid Yelling Trump voice] “I, Donald Trump, President of the United States, declare the First Amendment that has been ignored and slandered by the social media companies Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube, and by socialist Democrats, and Hillary Clinton, is the supreme law of the land, and anybody can say anything they want anywhere they want without anyone stopping them, because the First Amendment which is supreme, and anyone who tries to stop them the First Amendment gives you the right to give them a rap in the kisser.” [To BARR, in normal voice] So, legal or not legal?

BARR: It raises several interesting points.

TRUMP: Oh, bullshit interesting points! Is it legal?

BARR: It’s certainly legal for you to say — after all, we do have the First Amendment, which you so forcefully defend here. There is a body of law that suggests some limits to the First Amendment, as I’m sure you know.

TRUMP: Like what?

BARR: Fire in a crowded theater. Do you remember? [Small pause] We talked about that last winter, sir. Late into the night.

TRUMP: Oh yeah. But this isn’t in a theater, this is social media.

BARR: Just so, sir.

TRUMP: You’re saying a guy can’t say anything he wants?

BARR: Some guy who isn’t you, sir?

TRUMP: Yeah.

BARR: Then no.

TRUMP: But me, I can say what I want, right?

BARR: Of course.

TRUMP: On Twitter.

BARR: Anywhere you want.

TRUMP: So maybe this order should just say that.

BARR: Order or no order —

TRUMP: Because these fuckers think they can do a fucking fact check.

BARR: I agree, it’s disgraceful.

TRUMP: On me! They can’t do that.

BARR: Utterly disgraceful.

TRUMP: Can they?

BARR: I liked the part about a sock in the kisser.

TRUMP: The what?

BARR: The sock in the kisser. Brought me back to my childhood.

[BARR does Ralph Kramden.]

“Pow, right in the kisser!”

TRUMP: [Unreasonably angry] It’s RAP in the kisser, Bill! They get a RAP in the kisser! Jesus Christ, it’s like you weren't even listening!

BARR: I’m sorry, sir, rap is better, I can see that now.

TRUMP: [Sulky] Goddamn it, all I get around here is double talk.

BARR: How about this, Mr. President. We have some fine lawyers in the Department of Justice. What do you say we have them look this over and see if it needs some tweaks before we put it out?

TRUMP: [Somewhat deflated] Same guys that looked at the other ones?

BARR: That’s right.

TRUMP: [Truculent] What if I don’t?

BARR: That’s fine, sir. We can walk this right down to the Government Printing Office and get it ready for you to read to the nation tomorrow.

[Pause. TRUMP gets up, walks around the desk; BARR tenses, but as TRUMP passes he hands BARR the paper, then sits on a sofa and faces away from him.]

TRUMP: When we cure this virus thing I’m going on the road. 24-7. Every fucking hick town every week till the election. I’ll say whatever the fuck I want to say. About whoever I want. Using the words I want. There’ll be no one to stop me. Free speech! I’ll give ‘em free speech. The gutters’ll run with the shit.

[Pause.]

BARR: [Brightly] OK, have it on your desk in the morning! Have a good night, sir.

[BARR walks quickly out of the room. TRUMP stands. Beat. He raises a fist, begins shaking it so violently we can see the outlines of his fat quivering. His eyes and mouth are open wide but he makes no sound. BLACKOUT.]