Strategy session

Getting his dorks in a row

[The Throne Room at Mar-a-Lago. Creepy pseudo-Secret-Service AGENTS, as seen in “Backup Plan,” prowl the periphery. TRUMP, in his Jackie-Gleason-Miami-Beach outfit, is wandering around at the foot of the throne steps, expostulating; seated on the Supplicants’ Bench are MATT GAETZ, wearing grey slacks, a black sport jacket, a white shirt with a black tie, a bottle-green embroidered vest and black patent leather shoes; PINSY, a young man of apparent South Asian descent whose hair appears to have been cut with a knife in the dark, wearing sweat pants, a “Blacks for Trump” shirt, and flip-flops; and DIBS, an elderly Trump goon dressed, as he was in previous episodes, like a butler from old movies. GAETZ is watching TRUMP; PINSY sort of does but his attention, like an infant’s, frequently wanders; DIBS works on a Sudoku book.]

TRUMP: And it’s good, right? People like it.

GAETZ: Absolutely, sir!  

TRUMP: They like a strong guy says what he thinks. I tell ‘em the judge is a bum, I’m gettin’ railroaded, it’s all a sham, they eat it up. You know what, I think someone’s gonna take a shot at that judge, wait and see.

[Very slight pause.]

GAETZ: Yeah! Someone’ll take a shot at him, alright.

TRUMP: [Looking at GAETZ] So who’s gonna do it, you?

[For a second GAETZ looks stunned — then, with a puff of laughter:]

GAETZ: Well, not me – I mean there’s always someone who’ll do it, right? One of our Proud Boys.

TRUMP: I was gonna say you talk too much but it’s what you say that’s the problem.

[TRUMP taps his own head.]

I’m the guy who says the crazy shit. Not you, not the other monkeys in Congress. You act like everything’s normal. Then people think what I’m saying, it’s OK, it’s supposed to be like that, that’s how we get away with it. Like Dibs over there. Been with me how long, Dibs? 50 years?

DIBS: Yeah.

TRUMP: Never know what the guy’s thinking. But when he goes into action, look out! Not like what we got today. All talk, these Congress people. Like those crazy bitches you hang around, what’s wrong with them?

GAETZ: You’re asking me, seriously?

TRUMP: [Louder] Yes, numbnuts, I’m talking to you, what’s with the goofy broads?

GAETZ: That’s how they get fans, sir. They’re very popular and it’s because people like it when they own the libs.

TRUMP: [Shakes his head] They’re not going anywhere. Like that one, Boo-Boo, jerked that guy off. She thinks that’s cute? And that ugly bitch, Jesus Christ, I wouldn’t fuck her with your dick.

[TRUMP takes out an inhaler of The Formula.]

Also, how you gonna get insurance on ‘em? Say you got ‘em on tape blowing a pool boy. Time was that’d keep ‘em in line. Now, who cares? Everyone already knows they’re nuts. When you’re Speaker you got to cut ‘em off.

[TRUMP snorts from the inhaler. GAETZ stands up.]

GAETZ: When I’m Speaker? Are, are you saying I’m going to be Speaker, sir?

TRUMP: I’m not making promises. But Kevin’s finished. Donalds, I figure I’ll make him VP. I was gonna go with Scott because he’d be fun to push around. He’s slow, you ever notice? Like you could say “you know what, Tim, we oughta bring back slavery,” and it’ll take a minute for him to catch up and then he goes —

[TRUMP imitates a slackjawed moron.]

“Dawww, yeah, slaves, that’s good, I like that yeah.” But Donalds, he’s hard and he’s slick. Like Super Fly. My people love that bad-ass thing, especially when he debates Kamala, he can call her a bitch, tell her to suck his dick, they’ll go nuts.

[TRUMP hits the inhaler again.]

So that’s him and he can’t be Speaker because everyone knows you never vote for a Speaker. It’s like voting for a retard to fuck your daughter.

[GAETZ looks stunned.]

That leaves you. But you gotta shape up. No more crazy broads. Also the little girls? Forget it. If you’re not smart enough not to get caught, you can’t have it. And listen, remember what I said, you gotta have that grav-EE-tus. Capisce? Like when I act crazy, you play it cool. Alright, we’re gonna practice.

[TRUMP clears his throat, sings:]

Mee mee mee.

[TRUMP snorts from his inhaler, clears his throat again, talks loudly with Trump gestures like in his recent videos.]

The judge is an alien not even human thing who came out of a flying saucer with Karl Marx and Jerry Springer. It was just disgusting, they were covered in barbecue sauce and black lives matter, and now all our jobs are fleeing to China.

[Normal tone to GAETZ:]

What do you say?

GAETZ: That’s just Trump being Trump.

TRUMP: OK.

[TRUMP snorts massively from the inhaler, staggers back on his heels, then lurches forward and launches back into yelling mode stronger than ever.]

I tell ya, if when God says it’s time for me to go, I want them, my loved ones, the people, the people of the United States of Montezuma, I want to be stuck on the nose cone of a guided missile headed straight for China, and if it starts World War III I don’t care because I’ll be dead, and you’ll all be dead with me and your souls will serve me in hell!

[Slightly less deranged, to GAETZ:]

Now whattaya say?

GAETZ: I didn’t hear it, but it sounds like once again the liberal media has totally misrepresented the President.

TRUMP: Not bad.

[TRUMP approaches GAETZ, looks at his vest.]

What’s with the vest? You look like a riverboat gambler. Cheap!

GAETZ: I’ll take care of it, sir!

[GAETZ quickly pulls off his jacket and vest. TRUMP gives DIBS a look; DIBS stands, pulls PINSY to his feet.]

And that belt. Where’d you get it, at the airport? It’s no good.

GAETZ: Sorry, sir, I’ll get another.

TRUMP: Take it off. We’ll get you something decent.

[GAETZ takes off his belt. TRUMP nods to DIBS, who comes around and wallops GAETZ on the back of his head. GAETZ falls forward to the ground, dazed. PINSY crouches, pulls GAETZ’s pants down, undoes his own pants. TRUMP has pulled out his iPhone and is taking video of this.]

Alright, Mr. Speaker. Now we got a little insurance.

[BLACKOUT.]