Surprise Inspection

A little touch of Bari in the night

Public domain.

[Swell little conference room at CBS News HQ. Two men, two women, all thirtyish in modest businesswear, sitting at a big table, working on laptops or scrolling on their phones. The door opens and BARI WEISS sweeps in wearing a Ralph Lauren Camden double-breasted blazer with shoulder pads and big metal buttons, a white Co stand-collar cotton shirt, a simple mid-length black skirt, translucent white stockings, and black Celine Lily perforated Triomphe Babies in patent calfskin, and carrying an iPad Pro.]

WEISS: Hi! I’m the new boss, Bari!

[Muttered “hi”s and “hello”s; they turn their attention to her blandly.]

Ha ha, well! I wasn’t expecting a cake or anything, of course.

MAN #1: Would you like me to run down to Maman?

WEISS: No no, we’re here to work.

[WEISS sits with a sigh, them musters a big smile.]

So! I’m Bari, as I said — [To MAN #1] and you are?

MAN #1: Dylan Forbisher.

WEISS: Dylan, pleased, and you can call me Bari, so tell me, Dylan, what you’re working on.

MAN #1: I just interviewed José Andrés about his work in Gaza.

WEISS: Ah. So. A culinary story.

MAN #1: Well, ha ha, of course there’s a lot more to it than that. Andrés is trying to feed the Palestinians, but the war —

WEISS: Excuse me, feed the what?

MAN #1: The Palestinians.

WEISS: I’m afraid there’s no such thing. Not in our style guide —

[WEISS fiddles with her iPad.]

— or at least not in our style guide a couple of minutes from now. I think what you mean is terrorists.

MAN #1: Bari, these are just people Andrés has been trying for years now to feed in a war zone, they have no food, and often no homes —

WEISS: I’m not sure you’re getting at the story behind the story, Dylan. Do you know for a fact that these terrorists have no food?

MAN #1: Number one, it’s an interview, and number two, why would they be going to equivalent of a soup kitchen if they had their own —

WEISS: Soup kitchen! That speaks rather ill of Mr. Andrés, who is a world-renowned chef. Don’t you think? Maybe these terrorists were actually just elitists who think they’re owed a Michelin-starred dinner and don’t think they should have to pay for it.

MAN #1: Well, I can’t —

WEISS: Tell you what, Dylan, have Mr. Andrés send me pictures of these allegedly hungry, homeless terrorists, and I’ll have my people check them against a database that my good friend Marco Rubio lets me use and we’ll see if we can’t find out what these people are really up to. OK? My address is in the welcome memo. OK —

[WEISS turns with a bright smile to WOMAN #1.]

Hi! I’m Bari. And you are?

WOMAN #1: Marjorie. I’m collating my notes from my visits to some of the schools President Trump is demanding sign his Compact for Academic Excellence.

WEISS: OK, now see, Marjorie, this is a subject I know something about and is it not a fact that they don’t have to sign the Compact unless they want federal funding?

WOMAN #1: Well, yes. That’s the whole point.

WEISS: What’s the whole point, Marjorie?

WOMAN #1: That they’re now required to basically swear allegiance to the administration before they get funds they used to —

WEISS: Well, I don’t know that swearing to uphold Academic Excellence is the same thing as swearing to the Trump administration. I’m sure that’s not what you mean to say, is it? I suppose you talked to a lot of kids wearing keffiyehs and occupying the quad.

WOMAN #1: I did talk to a few students, but none in keffiyehs, I don’t think. Mostly I talked to professors and administrators, and I don’t see how —

WEISS: I don’t suppose you talked to any professors and administrators that had been cancelled by the old regime.

WOMAN #1: I don’t see what —

WEISS: I can get you Amy Wax tomorrow. Send me some times, my address is on the welcome memo. Oh, and did you vet those students you talked to?

WOMAN #1: Vet? I made sure they were students if that’s —

WEISS: I mean did you get their background, for example, do they belong to groups, what protests have they attended, do they own keffiyehs? Because just because they weren’t wearing a keffiyeh when you interviewed them doesn’t mean they don’t own one. Sometimes these people try to pass, particularly if they see a reporter just has, I don’t know, an air about them that suggests that you’re on their side, you’re a comrade, a fellow traveler. Do you see what I mean, Marjorie?

WOMAN #1: No, I really don’t —

WEISS: Tell you what, why don’t you send me pictures of these students and we’ll check them against a database that my good friend Kristi Noem lets me use and we’ll see if we can’t find out what these people are really up to. OK?

[WEISS turns with a big smile to MAN #2, who is packing up his laptop.]

Hi! I’m Bari. And you are?

MAN #2: [Standing up] My name is Michael Bardwell, and we can have a conversation on the calendar but we are not having one now.

WEISS: Excuse me?

MAN #2: I have to insist that our all conversations be logged and on the record. I’ve already sent a complaint to the NewsGuild and I think it only fair to tell you that it’s not the first complaint they’re received.

WEISS: [Standing up] Well, if this isn’t typical snowflake beha — wait, the NewsGuild? You mean the union?

MAN #2: That’s right.

WEISS: But, no, no, we’re getting rid of that.

MAN #2: Well, you’re not rid of it now.

WEISS: How about I get rid of you now?

WOMAN #2: How about I continue to record this conversation in which you have no right to an expectation of privacy?

[WEISS sputters, lifts her iPad to her face, punches buttons, and yells:]

WEISS: MR. ELLISON! MR. ELLISON! IT’S A POGROM!

[Immediately several ICE AGENTS storm the room and tackle everyone but WEISS who, as they groan and struggle, walks to the door, then turns and shouts:]

Thanks, guys! Staff meeting at six thirty in the Ed Sullivan Theatre!